One of the worst things about PMO addiction for me is my mood swings. Happy and hopeful one minute. The next, I am judgmental, annoyed, and defensive. It's been like this for as long as I can remember. The ones who suffer are the few loved ones I still have in my life.
Today, I was on the phone with my Mom and Dad. When I heard about some diet my Dad is trying, I got angry and told him it's nonsense, under the guise of being worried he's hopping from one fad diet to another to the detriment of his health. But really I was being a judgmental prick.
Then I talked to my Mom. She was sweet and loving and so happy to hear from me. But it didn't take long for me to go into a self-pity rant about how much I hate my job and how I'm working ridiculously long hours, how I'm wasting my life working and doing nothing else.
When she tried to talk me through it, I snapped and asked if I was supposed to work like a slave until I'm retired? Was this the meaning of life? Was that why she brought me into this world?
My poor Mom didn't know how to respond. I love her so much and I hurt her feelings. I hate myself. Why do I do this? GODDAMIT.
I'm on day 8 of this reboot. Please tell me being a heartless asshole is a withdrawal symptom.