You can overcome porn addiction: how I did it.

Submitted by Zedi on
Printer-friendly version

Hello all

without a doubt, the addiction I had to porn, masturbation and conventional orgasm was the toughest addiction I've ever had to break. I had to give up weed once, but it didn't even come close in terms of difficulty. Even right now, I feel a bit like Frodo, who even after the Ring has been cast back into the burning lake, still feels scarred by even having carried it. I heard that it's harder to break this addiction than Heroin...so remember that it won't be easy, so be really patient and kind to yourself, if you are wanting to get free of it. I don't say this with any shame at all, just empathy for those on whom porn has a hold. I know how damn hard it is to get free of. I want to share my own journey of how I did it, to offer hope and encouragement to others who are in the situation I once was.

Step One: I dropped all shame and guilt around the activity. I realized that I was breaking no laws, nor hurting anyone (except for my own health, but no need to feel ashamed of that per se). Really guys, don't torture yourself for doing something that 90% of guys with an Internet connection do on a regular basis. The guilt and shame only makes the hold of the addiction stronger. Drop it totally, If you indulge, just enjoy it properly without all the self-torture. You are not committing a crime, just doing something a bit foolish, that's all. It's not a moral issue, it's a health issue. Get clear on that.

Step Two: I had to really want to quit. Basically, after years of the merry-go-round of extreme highs and lows that ejaculatory orgasm throws us into, I had had enough. Plus, I could see how the addiction was actually hindering me from getting the chutzpah to go out and meet a real partner.

Step Three: I had to learn how to not only suppress ejaculation, but also how to draw up my sexual energy. This was the hard part. It took me about a year of regular practice. I learned the ancient Taoist practice of 'The Microcosmic Orbit', in which, just at the moment we feel orgasm beginning to expand, we stop, contract certain muscles, and draw up that sensation, up the spine and into the head. Then, later, we have to place the tip of the tongue to the soft palate, and let the energy flow back down again, and 'store' it in the navel chakra. It took so, so much hard work and effort to learn this. So to be clear, I never stopped masturbating to porn, but what I did, was I stopped ejaculating. At first I would succeed once or twice a week, Gradually, as I got more sensitive to my own body and it's flow of energy, I began succeeding more, and 'failing' less. After many months, I began to notice that I preferred abstaining from the full orgasm that comes with ejaculation, in favour of just enjoying the journey more, the actual plateaus we experience in sex. Plus, although the sensation I got up my spine was only between 1% to 5% of what I would have gotten if I had of ejaculated (once I got to 10% - that was pretty awesome), I was feeling SO much better in terms of general health and wellbeing, that I started to really want to hold on to my seed, and not pass any at all. Then I got to this stage where, really I no longer failed at all. I actually had a slip about a month ago I think, but even then I only lost a bit of semen, I sort of saved most of it. But even that was like a rare incident by then, I had finally gotten to the stage where I no longer wanted to ejaculate.

Then one day, I breathed up the sweet, static-electricity like sensation, and when it got to my head, I sort of felt it expand. Nothing terribly mind-blowing, mind you, but very interesting. Anyway, for some reason, after that, my sex desire started to taper off gradually. To the point I am at now, where I just can't get into porn like I used to. Even when I'm horny, it's lost it's old appeal. Instead, I have this longing to find and meet a real-life partner with whom I can share sexual intimacy. I sense that I did finally break the hold porn had on me, and ejaculatory orgasm too. I'm not totally rebooted, however. I think that there is still a bit of a way to go with that. But I do feel a big difference already. I'm finally actually going out and meeting people, to not only break out of isolation, but to, I hope, meet someone with whom I can make a connection, and to have sexual intimacy with. The real thing, not just a cold image on a screen.

Now I'm not saying everyone has to learn Taoist sexual practices, just wanted to testify how much they have helped me, to the point that now, I hardly ever even do them anymore. Really, what I want now, is a partner.

Zedi. <3

Good question. [Very Long Reply]

[quote=Marnia]Thanks for sharing your journey. Isn't the hidden potential in human sexuality fascinating?I'll post your account over on www.yourbrainonporn.com where we collect them. I'm curious why you didn't see porn as the problem. Most guys find that "edging to porn" slows their progress. What if I masturbate (edge) or watch porn without orgasm? | Your Brain On PornWhat are you doing to find a partner?[/quote]

[I APOLIGIZE FOR THE LENGTH OF THIS MESSAGE - take you time reading it]

Hello. i'm new here.

I just wanted to comment. First i'm sure i'm not the first person to extend thanks to you and Gary. But - i'm amazingly thankful for your hardwork. I hope both of you understand that you're saving lives. I have went thru all of gary's material and i'm now here - learning about Karezza and replacing the addiction with the idea of intimiacy - and i'm very interested in this.

but i do want to address Marnia's question to Zeb about finding a partner and his issues with porn...he brings up.

I'm 32 years old and i'm sad to sat that i'm a virgin and i'm working hard to change this.. i'm embrassed about it but want to say i can somewhat empathize with Zeb's comments. but i also have some ideas too. but everybody is different. But my porn use story is no different than any other young man's story.

Let me say that i grew up in a very dysfunctional household family situation , we weren't poor, infact my father is semi-wealthy - But the dishonesty in the house, the hypocrisy around issues like sex, the , infidelities, the bullying. lying - everything. When you look at it. all..qualifies us as dysfunctional family in the suburbs. On the outside - We seem like the Cosbys but truthfully we are really are a crude family . We're an african-american family.. We're black. but the good thing is my father is an amazing provider - and that's a good thing atleast. he felt the need to be a great provider.

I was a nerd too when young. My appearance was once something akin to Steve Urkell - (remember him?) the famous teenage nerd TV icon from the 90's sitcom "family matters" - getting a date and friends was always a touch challenge for me. So like most young men in my scenario. I turned to porn and i have escalated over the years.

my father was a nerd too in his youth in the 60's/70's. But he forced himself to become a evil bad boy type to attract women and friends. He's used drugs, drank, smoked weed and slept with alot of women and did alot of bad evil things in his life - all in the name of getitng laid and being cool. He attributes his success in life to his aggressive personality. He was a business professional by day - and a guy well known in the streets by night. And my mother is an even worse person and the same goes for my older brother.

So my father would often place me in abusive social situations and competitive social environments - and would pressure me to "be cool" and "bad' to attract sexy bad girls and have cool friends. But back then - i could never understand why i had to be a bad person to attract women.

And i would often complain about my family, how they would treat me - and how people at my highschool/undergrad would treat me - and the way family treated me too for not being "cool". enough

these 2 vids helps paint a good picture of my social landscape

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=izUSEPDoPSw

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=coytkAi-bVY

over the years - even as i improved my appearance thru exercise and fitness - and in other ways - i would still run into a wall of women who tell me "hey you too nice and i'm attracted to assholes" type women - despite my improved looks and appearance.

So - it became easier to complain and it became even easier to look at porn as opposed to chasing women and to compete with other men for dates. Looking back i had a right to complain about my dysfunctional family. But ... in hindsight - i was not willing to WORK HARDER to find good people and reach outside my community. I'm african-american. And find good friends and good people. I didn't want to work hard to do this. And i hold myself responsible for failing in my sex life like this. i see that now. i was afraid..and MY FEAR HELD ME BACK but back then i wanted to point out how bad everyone was treating me. and they were...treating me horrible. From age 15-23 was a harsh time in my life. very tough.

but I COULD HAVE WORKED HARDER instead of being an introvert and complaining. i should've taken risks. right now i'm doing all kinds of things to attract good people into my life and i know i can win.

But looking back then i couldn't always focus on school work and make things happen and when in college i got depressed about the social environment, made bad decisions and needed to drop out for school in 2004 and i didn't return for 7 years and moved away from home.

i moved from home and i had to struggle - working 3 jobs and not making alot of money. And i have to say i was very isolated. And had low self-esteem. Got out of shape and i looked terrible too. THis was 10 years ago. and alot of bad things happened to me that made me sad and depressed too during that 5-6 years.

And as you can imagine - i was looking at alot of porn too. I even once got caught downloading porn in a work situation. And i'm lucky that in that scenario it happened around men only. Even men who dislike each other - have some type of sympathy for other men when it comes to porn - because to some degree we all are guilty in this day and age.

I eventually made un-easy reconciliation with family in 2010 and my father helped me get back in school by 2011. I graduated this past May 2014. And soon i'll be starting my career in Information Security.

Right now. i'm learning some foreign languages, i've given myself an extreme makeover physically, with a new physique and it was a progressive thing over the past 5 years. and i look better than ever. and women are starting to notice me too.

but i have to be honest. I'm still a sensitive guy - and after being rejected so much by so many women and people in general for stupid reasons. "being too nice" "not being cool enough" "not being rich enough"

i have some women resentment issues...and i just feel the need to find the right partner/woman for me. So - my virginity was initially something i had no control over...but now - it's by choice because i want to find the right partner for me. Somebody who is nice friendly, loving and caring.

right now, i'm learning foreign languages. (russian and spanish) and i'm thinking of creative ways to attract good women into my life. But i have to be honest. It's a daily grind - it's a hard work. it's a challenge - In many major cities (i'm washington D.C.) the dating environment favors women and not men.

his whole issue of finding the right type of partner and personality w/ the right temperment as well as looks too - itts hard - and we all have to play the dating game and get out there and grind. Me personally - i'm targeting international women who are nice women with some class who want to find a good man...to marry...etc.,

but like i said - it's a grind....it takes effort. But i have motivation.

in the mean time - i actually look at alot of romance movies or old family tv and cowboy westerns tv shows from the 60's & 70's that have a romance themed episodes. I like all types of geners of TV

So romance themed shows like The Waltons, Bonanza, Little house, The Love Boat.

And movies like 9 1/2 Weeks or the old 90's Showtime Series called Red Shoe Diaries - which was a positive soft-core erotica tv series - with great storytelling and positive characters - meant to empower women but also is good for men too.

but i bring this up because - the idea that hugs, touch, kiss - affection as opposed to looking for an orgasm to make me happy - is not the answer. So the IDEA of what Karezza is all about makes alot of sense to me. i was initially only interested in Gary's "your brain on porn" site but i see the immense value of the "reuniting" site and it's importance.

touches, hugs, kisses, and other things that are key in a relationship. so - i have been an addict most of my life. and because i want to change - and i understand and have more information - i can let go of porn and reboot myself - because something else has to take the place of porn/fantasy/masturbation.

and it's real intimacy. and i'm sure some single men here - who are still having issues...and are single too - are finding it difficult. I just want to say i know how hard it is. It takes work. Self-improvement is very important and doing it is sometimes harder for some and easier and takes longer for others.

What a story...

and look how far you've come. By finding your true self-image (amid all the distortion and confusion) and acting on it you become a Light in the world. That's never an easy path, but it will make it easier for those behind you...for what that's worth. Smile

I can't imagine you'll be a virgin for long, but it's truly nothing to be ashamed of. I bet all of us have spent at least one lifetime celibate. It just offers different lessons. Not inferior ones.

That said, I hope you find a karezza partner. Believe me, there must be many intelligent, attractive women near you who are also sick of the "roles" they're supposed to play and the male "images" they're supposed to be attracted to. Would there be any meditation groups near you? That might help weed out the sleeping ones.

You don't need to be bad, but you do need to acknowledge your self-worth. There are some good blogs for men now that aren't just garbage PUA material. Some people like Mark Manson, for example.

Thanks for the video clips. Always enlightening to see others' insights.

Congratulations on kicking the porn habit, patching things up with your dad (who was also doing his best, believe it or not) and getting your mind active again. Very impressive.

Let us know how it goes. And you're most welcome for the information on our sites. We're glad it has been helpful.

Did you see this guy's report? http://www.yourbrainonporn.com/age-27-90-day-no-fap-report-i-almost-crie... He seems to have found an identity that's larger than "cool." He wrote us, so let me know if you'd like me to see if he would connect. He wants to help people.

And feel free to start your own blog and copy your first entry over there. Just click on "Members' blogs" and then "My blog."

 

 

Thanks for reply.

[quote=Marnia]and look how far you've come. By finding your true self-image (amid all the distortion and confusion) and acting on it you become a Light in the world. That's never an easy path, but it will make it easier for those behind you...for what that's worth. :-)I can't imagine you'll be a virgin for long, but it's truly nothing to be ashamed of. I bet all of us have spent at least one lifetime celibate. It just offers different lessons. Not inferior ones.That said, I hope you find a karezza partner. Believe me, there must be many intelligent, attractive women near you who are also sick of the "roles" they're supposed to play and the male "images" they're supposed to be attracted to. Would there be any meditation groups near you? That might help weed out the sleeping ones.You don't need to be bad, but you do need to acknowledge your self-worth. There are some good blogs for men now that aren't just garbage PUA material. Some people like Mark Manson, for example.Thanks for the video clips. Always enlightening to see others' insights.Congratulations on kicking the porn habit, patching things up with your dad (who was also doing his best, believe it or not) and getting your mind active again. Very impressive.Let us know how it goes. And you're most welcome for the information on our sites. We're glad it has been helpful.Did you see this guy's report? http://www.yourbrainonporn.com/age-27-90-day-no-fap-report-i-almost-crie... He seems to have found an identity that's larger than "cool." He wrote us, so let me know if you'd like me to see if he would connect. He wants to help people.And feel free to start your own blog and copy your first entry over there. Just click on "Members' blogs" and then "My blog."  [/quote]

Wow. thanks for responding. and thanks for your positive comments about virginity...it's nice to hear a positive message for a smart & understanding female. very insightful comments.

yeah....to be honest...i actually now have a great understanding of relationships more now. And your research really was the last piece of the puzzle for me.

as far as the idea of manhood and what women find attractive and masculinity and so on. I've done alot of reading and contemplation on this subject....and i've talked to alot of different types of men in person about this subect. Eveyone from PUA's to all type of people and even a few male stand up comedians too on this subject.

have listen to this.

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=3MDGawSdb4o

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=RLKOGkP6Odc

so - basically i pretty much have explored that - fully as far as awareness goes - but i greatly appreciate the suggestion-

And i've learned alot about myself, what my needs are in a relationship. (emotionally). And i have a clear idea of what i'm looking for in a relationship. it's funny because 15 years ago...i would've did anything just go get laid - and now - those same types of women who reject me want me now after having satisfied their bad boy fetish their whole lives. it's kinda ironic and funny how things turn out.

the one thing i also get out of research your husband has done as well as what you have discovered about Karezza is...

i try very hard to not bash women anymore. Unless women do something that makes them worthy of being bashed - i don't do women bashing. It's important to understand the opposite sex but i think Gary's website about Porn and what we know about this whole Karezza thing shows just how deeply screwed up men can be. right?

yes? that's what i learned from all this...but in relationships, personality types, temperment masculine energy, feminine energy -who's the leader vs who's the follower in the relationship, having a sense of humor etc., things like that... .. i try to not bash women anymore.

because alot of men in today's world especially in the USA blame women and are angry. they're frustrated and pissed off at the way the dating game is. And it's not uncommon to hear men blame women for the reason they look at porn. In the past i've been guilty of this....

i found this video clip below on a different website. - it tries to make some valid points. Some of it bashes american women - and i don't totally agree that foreign women are 100% better or that they're perfect. but the discussion of how that dating game is now in certain cities says alot......

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=TnKdc_iNfPw&feature=youtu.be

but i no longer like to bash women and blame women and criticize them and blame them for my problems or for why i became an addict. This thing you and your husband has done has helped me be honest with myself and i'm very thankful for that.

and i'm suprised that somebody hadn't did this sooner. there are so many "experts" and sexual therapists and counselors that have tried to tackle this subject and the fail to uncover the truth about it all.

Did you and your husband ever see the Porn Debate between XXXChurch and some porn stars several years ago it's on youtube. They tried to bring up issues, valid points were made but they got nowhere. So i just hope you understand the big difference and the IMPACT you have made.

And finally you are right about my father. my family is what it is. Yes. in his own sick twisted way - he was doing his best...but that doesn't excuse the abuse i've taken from him. In the past - He's went above and beyond the call of duty - to do evil things to me - to make me cool - everything from trying to make me hate myself to emotional black mail to emotional abuse, mind games - i mean as young man - it was tough it destroyed my childhood. it nearly destroyed me. The cruelty. but in truth - you're right...that's what he knows - that's his idea of what family is.

my father is 69. but he's similar to sylvester stallone. he's a fitness guy with muscles, he drives sports cars and dates young women and he feels he has all the answers to life. Because he has his healthy, looks and the money and material success and drives a ferrari. And i often argue with him about what's important in life. He's told me he's slept with over 200 women in his life. When i was 15...he would go to brazil and thailand and take pics of hookers and bring the photos back to our home and show them off to me. (he and my mother are divorced) - and she is an entirely different story.

So that is a small sample of my father's personality. so as you can imagine - he sees me as a failure in his mind.

my brother is the mirror opposite of me. My brother was alot like will smith in the Sitcom from the 90's.
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=hBe0VCso0qs

and like i said. i was like Steve Urkell.
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=NqzSJmv-cus

so - as you can imagine - no matter how much i achive in life..he's always look down on me...and this issue of getting laid, porn, sex, the hipocrisy in the house, the emotional abuse. it's just very extreme...but he felt the need to provide for me and do positive things with money. but he simply wants to cover up our family problems with money and he is just wrong.

but you're right - in his own sick way - he did his best. you're correct.

you right.

[quote=Marnia]just a little affected. But when he's speaking in his own voice he's not bad. :-)Sounds like you know what you want. That's good. [/quote]

yeah...i guess u could see it that way. [SORRY FOR THE LONG RESPONSES] as you can see. i say alot.

but guys like me and steve are treated terrible in the black community..and we are treated horrible by our families. In my case...it's extreme but my case is not uncommon for black boys who are nerds to get abused in a variety of ways.

and i've just been on a huge quest for knowledge....and your hardwork and gary's hard work has given me the missing piece i was looking for. like i said i had no desire to learn about what you're preaching about w/ karezza - i only wanted to learn about Porn addiction.

do u remember a podcast radio interview Gary did with this website?

http://blis.fm/they-met-online/1-the-inaugural-live-stream-pornography-i...

and one of the other guests (Kenya Stevens) who believes in open marriages and open relationships - challenged Gary and Gary kinda politely put her in her place and gave her some knowledge.

i know that initially this all happened by accident...with people coming to your forum for porn addiction and not for the originally intended reason of talking about karezza...but by your challenging your husband to help you organize things and doing all this research and going about it the correct way.

you both have made a positive contribution to society. and i honestly think that this information needs more exposure and in different languages too and young men need this information badly...because it could save alot lives...it already has... i wanted this type of info 15 years ago - but nobody had pushed the envelope the way you and gary did.

but more people need to know about all this...because in truth...i found you guys by accident...i'm thankful that i did. i was searching for info and i learned about the famous movie actor terry crews admitting in his autobiography...about being addicted to porn his whole life. and he's married to a gorgeous woman and has 5 kids.

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=RPjpzdOAU_Y

i read his book - and it's painfully obvious that he has come across Gary site - he uses dialogue about recovery that mirrors what Gary has spoke about.

but either way. thanks for everything. i might be asking questions about Karezza soon. but thanks for the hardwork...and thanks for talking with me and listening to me. i appreciate it

Yes, I do remember

that interview. They were a lively bunch! The link to it is here: http://blis.fm/they-met-online/1-the-inaugural-live-stream-pornography-i...

I'm not sure there's one "right" way to conduct one's love life, but we do think people deserve to be informed of the the vulnerability of the brain's reward circuitry...especially in the face of supernormal stimulation like today's junk food and today's porn. A solid understanding of that just makes many aspects of life on Planet Overconsumption easier to negotiate safely.

We also think people need to know that most human brains are wired for pair-bonding, which means that hot sex simply isn't going to fill the "neurochemical hole" that urges us to pair up. That means we also need to understand how attachment works, and how chronic overstimulation gets in the way of contented bonds. Since you say you're "nerdy" you may like these articles:

How to Talk to Cupid | Your Brain On Porn (super easy)

Pair Bonding 101: Beware Novelty-As-Aphrodisiac | Your Brain On Porn (a few of the nuts and bolts)

Once people have some of these basic pieces they can get out there and make their own decisions and learn their own lessons. But it's really unfair to people to leave them only with the mainstream message. In part, because they raise their kids without the key facts too.

And I don't know about you, but empty "rules" from religions, however sensible they may be in retrospect Wink , just don't cut it when you're a teen and you're bombarded with mainstream hype. People need solid science about these things as a basis, and most of them actually enjoy learning about what makes them tick.

Believe it or not, I had never seen Terry Crews being interviewed. I admire his courage and articulateness. I'll make sure Gary knows about his book.

Marnia wrote:

[quote=Marnia]that interview. They were a lively bunch! The link to it is here: http://blis.fm/they-met-online/1-the-inaugural-live-stream-pornography-i...'m not sure there's one "right" way to conduct one's love life, but we do think people deserve to be informed of the the vulnerability of the brain's reward circuitry...especially in the face of supernormal stimulation like today's junk food and today's porn. A solid understanding of that just makes many aspects of life on Planet Overconsumption easier to negotiate safely.We also think people need to know that most human brains are wired for pair-bonding, which means that hot sex simply isn't going to fill the "neurochemical hole" that urges us to pair up. That means we also need to understand how attachment works, and how chronic overstimulation gets in the way of contented bonds. Since you say you're "nerdy" you may like these articles:How to Talk to Cupid | Your Brain On Porn (super easy)Pair Bonding 101: Beware Novelty-As-Aphrodisiac | Your Brain On Porn (a few of the nuts and bolts)Once people have some of these basic pieces they can get out there and make their own decisions and learn their own lessons. But it's really unfair to people to leave them only with the mainstream message. In part, because they raise their kids without the key facts too.And I don't know about you, but empty "rules" from religions, however sensible they may be in retrospect Wink , just don't cut it when you're a teen and you're bombarded with mainstream hype. People need solid science about these things as a basis, and most of them actually enjoy learning about what makes them tick.Believe it or not, I had never seen Terry Crews being interviewed. I admire his courage and articulateness. I'll make sure Gary knows about his book.[/quote]

yeah. those people from that interview with Gary - are from my city. They try hard to make everything very jazzy and hip to attract young black people to their channel and hold their attention.

but i will admit they try alittle too hard to be 'cool' and that woman that gary talked to....was kinda in battle mode and Gary calmed her down and enlightened her.

but...yeah i agree with you about 'empty' rules from religion. It is very common in the black community for people to do crazy things in their peronal lives and love lives. and just try to cover up the deep problems with religion without addressing the issues -

for that interview - young black people who are into rap music and hip hop culture who wouldn't ordinarily listen to somebody like yourself and Gary got some good wisdom that day.

but yeah. Terry crews is famous for his muscles, he's done action movies with Stallone, deodorant commercials and he's had a reality tv show about his family. his current tv show won oscars. his fame is exploding. There is talk of him doing a Comic Book character and working with Disney & Marvel. The people behind the Avangers & Iron Man movies.

But He's a really good person and nice guy and he struggled for success in life...he's been thru alot in his life. His wife was stuck by him in the hard years..but because of this issue she..was gonna divorce him about 2 years ago and everything....but she took him back & forgave him.

he talks about it more here...
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=W3pwzGiaMJ8

and believe it or not - some of his fans - and the black radio personality actually make fun of him alittle and bash him. but...check it out. Gary might find this interesting and the issues they try to bring up.

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=19oVfHJp9yY&feature=youtu.be

So -t's possible that both Terry and his wife and him have learned about your site.

I noticed in that last clip

that the dinosaurs monopolized the discussion and shouted down all other points of view. What young guy with ED or anorgasmia from growing up on tubesites would have called in to set them straight? None. The sooner our culture hears from the guys/gals affected most by the problem, the better, but we don't make it easy for them. I really admire these two:

Porn-induced erectile dysfunction (yes, it's a real thing) - YouTube

▶ Porn Induced ED Reboot Advice - YouTube

You have to be very confident of your sexiness and manhood...and recovered(!) to speak up.

Fewer members of older generations will ever be able to relate to this because their "real sex" pathways developed in adolescence (11-25), and mere pixels won't generally be as captivating.

This is a fast-moving phenomenon, and it's interesting to see it unfold.

yeah very true.

he he...yeah...dinosaurs...that's a good name for them.... ha ha ha...

Yeah...but....to be honest Marnia....

so many people try to discuss this...and diagnose this.....and they diagnose it wrongly....and make wrong statements...and futher confuse things and confuse the people listening.

i was impressed when your husband distinguished sex addiction from porn addiction and even distinguishing porn addiction and high-speed-online Pornography....they are 3 completely different things.

and yeah...the porn my father grew up with doesn't even compare to what's available today. i mean i feel sorry for these kids...with iphones. i didn't have that growing up but i did escalate over the years.

and then the issue of intimacy and the ideas of putting something in place of of the addiction and healing the brain etc., - that never gets discussed at all.

i mean for me - looking at your video interview on privatematters really opened my mind alot and directly addressing why we foolishly chase after the 'orgasm' and wonder why after a while normal sex is boring in comparison to what's on the net. or why love fades away.....

while i get my life more organized - because i'm in the process of starting my new job and moving out of my fathers house....i'm still single.

so for now - like i mentioned earlier - i look at old movies and old tv shows w/ a romance themed episodes.
and even foreign movies with subtitles.

and i try to imagine the hugs, the kiss, the sharing, the caring, the love - i try to live inside my head and be inside the movie/tvshow. And i get a positive buzz from that and it feels good.. It may not be a full blast of oxytocin..from being with a loving paartner ..but it's close enough to that for now.

because chasing porn fantasy/orgams & dopamine has never made my life better - and i know that after everything i've experienced and i want to change and so i have the power to do it.

because i know that i can achieve my goal now. So hearing Terry (who is somebody who also is alot like me in personaity )- admit to this helped me alot....he talks alot about being a nerd, and that people in his community rejected him and he had no girlfriends and wasn't considered attractive. So see the connection. he was poor, he had low-self esteem, dysfunctional family. and he found porn and we know the rest.

So...now i'm armed with information from both websites - i can really let go of the porn...i really could not do that before. but i can do it now...because i understand.

so i feel lucky...i wanted this type of awareness...15 years ago...but hey...better late than never. right?

I wanted this information earlier too

and I didn't stumble upon it until my mid- 30s, so you're ahead of schedule the way I see it. Wink Honestly, most of us won't be ready for it until we've thoroughly grasped the futility of the current "operating instructions" either first-hand, or, as in your case, second-hand. Those operating instructions weren't too bad in a different environment, but they just don't work well in an environment saturated with supernormal erotic stimuli.

Watching the clips you sent made me realize how courageous Terry Crews (and his wife) really are. He's now in my list of heroes! I'm glad you brought him to my attention. Which of his clips do you think I should put up on YBOP?

That's a clever idea, finding entertainment that tried to portray healthier bonds. Do you have Cosby Show reruns?

yes...i do see reruns.

[quote=Marnia]and I didn't stumble upon it until my mid- 30s, so you're ahead of schedule the way I see it. Wink Honestly, most of us won't be ready for it until we've thoroughly grasped the futility of the current "operating instructions" either first-hand, or, as in your case, second-hand. Those operating instructions weren't too bad in a different environment, but they just don't work well in an environment saturated with supernormal erotic stimuli.Watching the clips you sent made me realize how courageous Terry Crews (and his wife) really are. He's now in my list of heroes! I'm glad you brought him to my attention. Which of his clips do you think I should put up on YBOP?That's a clever idea, finding entertainment that tried to portray healthier bonds. Do you have Cosby Show reruns?[/quote]

hmmm....which clip for Terry? hmmm....i think the one where he's on the View is probably the better clip. but also... the clip of him on chelsea lately is good too because it's short and too the point....

but if you youtube search "terry crews porn addiction" several viedos come up

it's funny that you mention the cosby show. i saw it as a kid when young but for the comedy only, and i learned to appreciate the show later when grown up because it was a positive show and not negative stereotypes. But - for me the show is a comedy - it's not deep enough from a romance-love-intimacy angle...

there was talk of cosby trying to bring it back....but he couldn't get funding because people would rather see negative stereotypes like Tyler Perry shows. because that's what makes money - it's shame because it's really the fault of the black community - we vote with our pocketbooks. And negative influences have come into black culture and everything is very different from what it was in the late 80's.

you would be suprised to hear this but - i really love bonanza w/ Michael Landon. and i'm actually rediscovering The Love boat and Westerns. I also movies from france. French cinema is not perfect but they often do a good job of portraying the sweetness in women.

this actress here: irene jacob is famous in France.

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=YWq3AAF1zUM

and she plays very positive female characters and in her pesonal life she's consistent too - she's very much like the characters she plays. i respect her....she was once offered the lead role in the film Indecent Proprosal in the 90's...she turned the role down and other roles that offered her alot of money - because she feels its important to portray positive images...she often plays the wife, the girlfriend, the mother, the loyal sister, the good daughter - and i heard her say it's important for her too

a show like the cosby show is a great show - and it was revolutionary for it's time - but you must understand that with black families - especially families like mine - we respect Cosby and we tried to copy what we saw on the tv - and convinces ourselves that we could be like them....and tried - but in reality - we not.

Growing up - my dysfunctional family learned to try to appear to be what the cosby's were to the outside world. We lived in a mostly white suburban neighborhood....my father and mother are very good actors and can fool neighbors and other people into thinking they are people with alot of integrity. but they are not who they appear to be...same goes for my relatives. lots of secrets.

this lady here talks about this...she's correct about what she says...

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=DPgxk6YdcIM

but.....i'm young enough to start over - and i honestly feel good that i maintained my integrity - i'm not perfect. Made many mistakes...just like Terry did.... i would love to have my child hood back.but...i look foward. because there are 'some' positive things in my life.

but i feel very enlightened....i really do. i'm probably one of very few black men who have the mindset i now have.. and i just feel very good about the future...and i feel like i'm in control. i'm greatful. Karezza Power!!!

Rambling reflections...

Hey 'Bonanza' makes sense to me. It was one of my favorite shows back in the day. *rocking back and forth in creaky old chair*

I don't think "secrets" or hypocrisy are unique to black families. You have only to read 19-century English novels about EverSoWhite folk and you'll see the same thing. All tribes try to control people with mores. People want the benefits/approval of conforming, despite their failings.

Here's a theory to kick around that might account for some of the black culture you describe: While Europe was experimenting for centuries with the practice of monogamy (more or less...) African culture was still like most of the rest of the world: polygamous. Mind you, even in polygamous cultures, most couples are one man/one woman. But when a guy had enough money to support an additional wife (or more than one), he could marry more than one. It was a sign of status and a way to make more offspring.

Perhaps African culture on this point still had/has a strong influence, despite the countering influence of Euro-culture and religion. For example, Jamaican men are very proud of all the kids they have with different women...even in situations where they don't actually help to support any of them. I don't think they would have gotten away with the latter very easily in an African tribe (after all fathers don't want to be supporting their pregnant/child-producing daughters forever...).

But rather than seeing the men's behavior as "immoral" or "inferior" we should understand that they come (indirectly) from a culture where many wives/offspring were a status symbol. And that assumption didn't just evaporate out of the culture, even when the other social controls got scuttled by loss of tribal customs. Could this help explain why promiscuous goes with "cool"?

Neither monogamy nor polygamy really gets at the mechanics of bonding, of course. However, there were cultures all over the world, even polygamous ones, that left echoes of the idea that "less is more" when it comes to orgasm and love for one's partner. I find that fascinating. It seems our brains have had this hidden potential for a long time, and it has been noticed repeatedly. Just not often. Smile If you're interested, I've collected bits and pieces from many of these traditions in the Wisdom section of this site.

It's easy to see why karezza never caught on when it doesn't encourage more offspring/followers/soldiers/workers. But it has its own benefits.

 

You are correct.

Ha ha...you read my mind. Yes i have seen that video....ha ha....funny. this one is even funnier too.

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=NisCkxU544c

[THIS IS ANOTHER LONG REPLY - SORRY AGAIN i know i say way too much, it's my nature]

You know. i applaud you for your assessment...because what you say about black people in africa before slavery and the idea of polygamy in world history is very true.but the evil dysfunction in the black community is promoted as cool, fashionable and normal too - no matter who it hurts or destroys.

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=gFyZd4zLYUA

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=MNksnyOYvZk

as far as polygamy goes...yeah...i agree...some men are just following a blue-print.....but does that make it all okay? I mean how does one rationalize an evil lifestyle? because of history?

because i was a nerd and i couldn't get dates and had no friends. And the community degrades you for not following that polygamous mindset. In black culture we call it "pimpin' the hoes' but...you get called out if you don't conform...

My family people on my fathers side believe wholeheartedly that i'm a closet homosexual. They have no proof or evidence of this... they now see at age 32 that they were wrong...but they at a bare minimum think i was possibly confused about my sexuality maybe...and look down on me for not fucking alot of women..

I'm as masculine as they come. You can't get anymore heterosexual and black than a guy like me. I'm like a bald theo huxtable...almost - but i like comic books, kung-fu flicks and video games, japanese animation (anime) also...geeky stuffy. but i also like dance traning, weight training and classical music as well as jazz and european techno music too.

And there was a point that my father would often interrogate me...he always wanted to know what my whereabouts were after school- and he even confronted me once and said...

"i want to see the porn you're looking on that computer at boy!!!" "i want to see it now" - because in his mind he was seeing Red Flags..

And it's crazy because - i was looking at the same type of porn on the home computer that he had in his closet on vhs tapes. and at one point he went from defending me - to be the accuser...to back to defending me...after realizing he was wrong......but now in 2014 nobody has ever apologized to me for the abuse...they all just pretend it didn't happen...and wonder why i don't like them...and are confused...why i avoid them...

vs. my older brother. was following the blue-print. Tatoos, fowl language, hip hop fashion, handsome young face, bad boy asshole personality. and fucking alot of hot young black and latino girls.. the type of girls that my father fantasizes about. he calls it "getting in your street time.."

my father and brother compete with each other. He's admittetdly slept with abotu 200 women...and my brother has had about 35 or more girls. so i'm sure you can imagine the pressue i deal with. and my mother and father are divorced - and she's a whole different story and is worse than my father in many ways.

So. when i see young men on your husbands YBOP site talk about being an addict, escalating into weird porn genres out of curiosity, sadness, isolation and depression. And not being able to find a partner and feeIing hopeless... i know how it is. I've been there...Terry Crews often talks about his lonliness...as a young guy...he's a comedian he makes jokes...but he's alot like me...he got no love from girls either - he's a painter like me too.

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=OqezaAZNLC0&feature=youtu.be

Every few years throughout the 15 years of porn watching. i would escalate. when softcore on Cinemax, HBO and Showtime wasn't hard enough - i finally discovered my fathers betamax & vhs 80's porn collection and learned how to orgasm... When that got boring i got online. When big butts didn't turn me - i looked at white girls and asian girls, when that didn't do the trick....interracial gang-bangs, big butt latinas and bukkakes did the trick...when that got boring it was celebrity sex tapes and lesbians with strap-ons.and lesbian butt licking. when that got boring it was teenage cheerleaders...orgies...big butts with long penises, anal rape porn, porn movies with a rape porn scene climax... or even just movies like basic instinct edgy softcore porn/sex scenes in mainstream movies with famous actors that's close to porn.. The BET channel in the 90.s they would show late night semi- nude like rap music videos for new rappers - and i would masturbate to booty shaking girls and breast shaking video vixens.

- a few occasions in the 15 years porn use... (5 to be exact) once every few years... i've peaked/looked at gay porn out of curosity.. i've never masturbated to gay porn at all like some men here claim to have done on the YBOP site...and on a side note...i feel very deeply deeply sorry for men who are hooked/addicted only on Gay Porn or Tranny Porn and masturbate to it.. My heart goes out to them. It's not my particular fetish...but i understand the idea of escalation.....but i do feel bad for them because even if they overcome the fetish and heal... they have to live with what they did. it's sad and hard..

but i've peaked at gay porn ...out of curiosity only...at different points and i feel bad about even peaking/lookng

...over the years. Every few years...i would take a peak at something new and extreme when the porn i usually look at gets boring.....and want to see something new and shocking.... i've peaked at S&M type porn. i've peaked at - animals once - and once - very early in my porn watching online - when very young - i stumbled onto some kiddie porn by accident peaked at it out of curiosity a few times. i couldn't live with myself if allowed myself to be turned on by it. i've seen other nasty stuff too.

it's kinda like...walking up to the edge of a cliff and looking over the edge without jumping off the cliff. know what i mean?.

this stand up comedian here - makes a funny porn joke. you might laugh at it.

[https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=A9swnOknyhM&feature=youtu.be

i've mistakenly looked at tranny porn once. meaning i saw what i thought was a straight porn. a woman was kissing man - and then - next thing i know - i see the chick pull\ out her dick....and i'm like "WOOOW...TURN IT OFF!!" and felt both stupid because - the tranny really looked like an attractive woman with clothes on.....and i was mad that i didn't realize it until its' too late.

When These young guys say "i have ED from too much porn masturbation and i can't get hard for my girl" - it's funny because - i say

"HEY MAN..ATLEAST YOU HAVE A GIRL AND ATLEAST YOUR FAMILY, PEERS AND COMMUNITY ISN'T TRYING TO DEGRADE YOU EVERY CHANCE THEY GET AND QUESTION YOUR SEXUALITY AND BRING YOU DOWN EVERY CHANCE THEY GET BECAUSE YOU AREN'T COOL ENOUGH "

"ATLEAST YOU AREN'T GETTING PRESSURED INTO BEHAVING LIKE A RAPPER WHO'S FUCKED 100 WOMEN"

And i mentioned the time where i was caught downloading porn in a work situation by an enemy co-workers/bosses whom i'm thankful were men and not women. Even men who are enemies understand looking at porn...even if you laugh or criticize. All men go thru this at some level. Whereas closed minded women who angry porn-hating feminists who shame men.....would laugh, criticize and see me as a creep.
So....at 32. i'm in a hurry to fix my life and make it better. I have the motivation...and i've hit rock bottom so many times...i lost count...since my family is the source of alot of pain in my life..

And so reading Terry Crews' book and discovering your husbands site and finally realizing the truth about Karezza has helped me heal. i'm thankful....and i wasn't kidding when i said young men really need to be armed with this information...and i needs to be available in different languages around the world too.

but..learning the truth....about all this...and even learning about karezza and LEARNING that stopping porn for 90 days is not enough.....

men need to replace the addiction with true intimacy..and not Great Sex/Orgasm from..a woman....and men need to work toward intimacy.

because...i really had the idea that and i needed to orgasm myself to sleep at night, that i need an orgasm in Morning to start the day..and i need an orgasm to make me feel good when i'm down and feeling stress.

so having clarity is very empowering. All of this negative stuff i share with you - i feel for the first time like i have power over it now. but it's been tough...i have to be honest.....i was once a very depressed pathetic person. I understand the guy named Zeb who started this thread. i've been there...

i agree about polygamy in history and the confusion of monogamy...and how there is no map for right & wrong... the mistake about great sex/great ogasm vs. real intimacy....but people like my father, mother and brother who rationalize an evil life style and being in denial about it's impact on others is just wrong...

Thanks for all that

It took me a while to get through it all. It's great you're finding your own sense of direction. That's all that really matters.

I guess I have problems with the word "evil." I can see the ugliness that results from the way sexual desire is misused today (and not just in your family's culture), but it just seems the natural outcome of choices made without full information. Hideous, yes. "Evil", no. Evil implies that people consciously knew they were choosing to harm others. I think most are just following their impulses without realizing that their brains are out of balance. I have seen SO many ex-porn users completely shift their perceptions of women and sex and promiscuity...without even trying...that I no longer judge them by how they are when they're...um...losing too much life force energy. Wacko

Like you, I don't think coming from a polygamous culture "blesses" ugly choices. But it does help create a frame where I can see people's choices from a different perspective. This can be very important if you want to be a force for light on the planet. For example, by the time guys started showing up here with severe porn-related symptoms, I saw their situation in terms of their brains being under abnormal pressure from today's supernormal stimuli...rather than seeing them as evil.

That created an atmosphere here where guys could experiment, learn new things about the brain, exchange candid self-reports and even, sometimes, play around with a radical approach to sex. If I had seen them as "evil" I would have been obliged to chase them away. And that would have meant a lot more unhappy, unhealed men in the world. Since I love men, and also want women to have healthy, happy mates, that would have made things worse, not better.

I realize that you're now undergoing a huge healing transformation, and that you may have to get angry and disgusted for a while as part of that. But at the end of the process, you may find that you end up thinking that "error" is a more accurate assessment of the ugliness you're looking at than "evil." The first presumes people can change...which they absolutely can. The other presumes their characters are set in stone.

I'm not naive. I know few people choose to change. But the more who do, the more other people see their improvements and "catch the fever." For instance, I bet your family is pretty amazed by your transformation, even though they're too "cool" to acknowledge it. Give it a few years and I bet they'll want to know your secret.

You just stay on task and live the life you want to with the values of your choice. You'll be shown ways to share your light.

Not sure why I feel an urge to share this but you might like this article we wrote: Guys: Where Do You Fall on the Monogamy Spectrum? | Your Brain On Porn

I'm enjoying our exchange. Your long emails are always interesting, although I really think you should put them on your blog. Smile But, it's your call.

Oh, and your porn spiral is very standard these days. At least you knew your sexual orientation even if your family didn't.Kiss 3 Many young guys these days genuinely wonder based on the garbage they find themselves watching. As Gary says, the ability to click to unheard of fetishes while masturbating -- and then getting off the train at some bizarre destination (that is then reinforced as hot because you orgasmed to it at the end of your ride) -- is going to turn out to be one of the riskiest things mankind has ever engaged in. Never before in history has this been possible. Sure, you could find weird stuff, but you were pretty much stuck with it for your masturbation session. You couldn't escalate in a dopamine trance to totally unanticipated weirdness born of a compulsive search for novelty...and having nothing to do with your innate sexuality.

I'm proud of your for pulling out of the nosedive. Most guys can't take that step until they have repeated ED with a partner. Bravo for putting the pieces together, and for choosing healthy role models like Crews.

Thanks for response.

thanks for response...and i apologize for my long rants. but it's helping me alot.

Yes. u probably right...i should make a blog. but being that you're an authority on this issue...i feel lucky that i'm talking with a smart & aware person as opposed to another recovering addict. but hey..maybe my words could help another person.

But i actually feel very honored to communicate with you too. Because your husband answered your challenge to him to help you with your site ....

and he created something - that is helping young men immensely- but really you're the source of all this..and - also Gary is very fortunate to have you in his life too....and it make sense.

he's the man and helps us with information/awareness about Porn addiction and your the nurturing female that teaches us how to seek love correctly. it works and makes sense too.

and you know - i suppose you are correct about the word 'evil' - maybe that is the wrong word. that's just how i feel in my gut. and anger...is correct. i always thought there was something wrong with me,

and even my father and other relatives and family friends thought i was pathetic.. And it's like showing weakness is an invitation for more abuse....

and i've felt worthless and felt self-destructive at times as a result when i was alot younger. And family people don't take responsibility and refuse to be honest with themselves about their contribution...to that...

i acknowledge that i could have - tried harder to make my life better (THE WAY I DO NOW) instead complaining the way did, but even now in 2014 they REFUSE to even admit that there is a POSSIBILITY that MAYBE they did some things wrong to me. When in reality....they are guilty of degrading me to the point where i didn'tt want to live anymore and then my life fell apart because i made dumb decisions too as a result.

and i often thought the pain of the emotional abuse would never end and i would walk around with my head saying. "what's wrong with me"

they often say.... "you know B. you had some problems and mental issues you had to work thru your issues...."

it's like rapist saying to the rape victim - "you know you're F**ed up and you have some problems you need to work thru..and i violated you because you were weak and you let me...but i respect you now because you not a total wuss like before when i took your diginity from you."

so...anger yes...they are begining to see that i have alot more awarness and intelligence - about life so - now they look at me with a cautious type of respect. they feel uptight around me and watch what they say - because they fear i'll embarss them with intelligence...or just wisdom...but it puts me in a light of being the party pooper. when i'm around everything is boring and not fun...so...hey it is what it is...

but....my coping strategy is to possibly become a stand up comedian part time - in the future. because people tell me that i'm a funny guy and i've learned about this acting school that teaches stand up comedy....and once i get my I.T. career going..i'm gonna pursue that on the side.

look at this video here...

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=mZHv-uNV2ZA

and this is a funny satellite radio program with some legendary stand up comedians talking about Porn genre titles and racism...since you're a expert on love, intimacy and porn addiction you might laugh at this.
[Deleted]

I see and respond to blog comments too. :-)

Some people get offended when folks "hijack" a thread that didn't belong to them and use it as their personal space. But here, the owner of the thread hasn't objected. I just mentioned blogging as an option.

Supposedly, our subconcious doesn't know "reality" from "vivid imagination," which is why atheletes practice (also) by visualizing themselves doing perfect actions. Could you perhaps use this fact to vividly imagine your family apologizing to you sincerely and profoundly for their shabby treatment?

At this point, you can't alter their actions, except via vivid imagination. You might also visualize them treating you with exactly the kind of respect you most prefer.

Nothing has given me more pleasure recently than to see you are considering doing stand up. Of course I'd be equally excited if you were going to Toastmasters. One way or another, it's very healing and empowering to get your voice out into the world. Bravo.

I'd prefer you not post graphic details about porn here, even via humorous radio. It can be a trigger and start someone "hunting." So I'll delete the last item...and your name. Feel free to use your name in the future, but in case it was unintentional, I deleted it.

good points.

Woops. sorry about that. i was just trying to be funny with the clip - probably a good idea to delete it. - but yeah....u probably right about visualization - i'm actually....making alot of new international female freinds...russian and german....and soon - i'll refine my strategy for attracting friends.

and my goal is to rebuild up freindships that can be like family.

also - i found a radio interview you did here...

http://www.santafe.com/the-voice/podcast/sex-talk-april-18-2013#.U_JKXGO...

you know - it's funny because - i might send u some PM's about this later - or start a new thread. - because - we in our culture are programmed to be a great lover - and make our partner orgasm and men learn creative ways foreplay skills and learn to overcome premature ejaculation w/ breathing techniques and maintain learn to do penis exercises and learn how to strengthen our pelvic area for sex and learn to keep hard-on's for extended periods so we can "please" our woman. we worry about sexual stamina..and women make joeks about men's lack of it.

so - i actually support what you're saying about Karezza and the balaknce. But finding that special someone to be willing to do this and learn a new way...will be a challenge...because we are all programmed to do the opposite of what you teach.

the typical attractive woman who expects her man to "please her" - i think will be suprised about a man offering to do this...but i take it as a challenge.

Hey, all of humanity

is programmed (literally) to not do what I teach. Either what I teach is wrong because it's not about procreation, or it's wrong because it's not about increasing the number of climaxes.  Oh well.

Every culture has advantages for this practice though. I had a Jamaican friend (from London) who read Mantak Chia's book Taoist Secrets of Love, (which I was giving away to anyone who wanted to learn about this before I ever published a book on the subject when we met on a tour). He wrote me a couple months later saying proudly, "I can now control my ejaculation no matter what style sex the woman is into!" And I suspect he was simply using the information to perfect technique that was already pretty good. Wink Sure, he wasn't ready to use the information to deepen his emotional connections, but I didn't really understand about the bonding behaviors well enough to explain that part very well back in those days. It has been a long learning curve.

There's still a lot to learn and I don't have all the answers. I like this forum though because people share interesting insights. For me, their experiences have more validity than some of the  sexology research I've bumped into. If researchers don't ask key questions, they get very misleading results. It's time we all started paying more attention to our own, private laboratories.

It's great that you're making international friends, but don't overlook women closer to home. They're not all like your family.

True...very true...

yeah..i see your point. it looks like i've got alot to learn....he he he....

i guess i'm really confused about what i should really be focused on and doing.

but this will be a fun journey of discovery...but i'll do as you suggest...when i'm ready - i'll make a new thread with valid questions about it all.

but thanks for your very caring advice. and to be honest...it's nice to talk to a smart & caring female who can help steer me in the right direction...i'll bet that you're a great mother....

thanks so much for your help...i appreciate it so much....

it's funny because - one of my female russian friends who is 21 tells me alot about her current boyfriend who is a jerk who smokes and drinks but basically but he gives her the rough sex that she likes and that she feels confused

....and she has told me that she had a boyfriend before him who is nicer in personality...but she claimed that he was "like a log" meaning - he didn't give her the orgram and domineering foreplay she was expecting to have...or wanted.

and she's a pretty young girl and has shown me picture of other men who want her - who are nice men - but she fears these timid - nice men are bad in bed....like the first boyfreind...and she feel confused.

and so many women...fall into this pattern....

so...i see that i have to step up my game and my awareness and work even harder to find a woman who is mature enough to recieve this wisdom that you're giving us....

but i look foward to it...it will be fun.

Women, too, find orgasm very

rewarding (reinforcing...like a drug), and if they are themselves a bit desensitized from pursuing a lot of orgasm they need rough sex (or think they do) to feel sex. It's very similar to a guy using a lot of porn and needing his partner to look or act pornish. I wrote an article about this challenge, for women: Vibrators and Other Pleasures: When Moderation Fails.

And of course women don't realize what's going on because they can't feel the alternative. When the excitement with Mr. Nice drops (which is normal when those honeymoon neurochemicals drop off), they are left dissatisfied...and believe that what they're seeking is hotter sex. I fell for that repeatedly.

But it was never satisfying for long, and of course the situation deteriorated rapidly. Eventually, I got tired of it. Most women haven't done that because the media they read makes them think missing orgasms will impact them very negatively.

It's definitely a tricky situation, because biology is a real slave master, and you can't see the benefits of the slower approach immediately. That's where it pays to become an inspiring teacher. Smile The good news is that conserving sexual energy seems to make men more attractive and charismatic, so their partners find them more interesting.

very true.

Yeah. i think a woman who has experienced some relationship woes and hit a wall sexually and felt frustration in her life - who is mature in personality would accept what you teach..

the girl i describe is somebody i talk to online - and she does like me alittle which is why she is open with me. but...i see that i need a mature minded person.

i've encountered attractive nice young girls who like me recently - but imagine trying explain this to some 25 year old hot chick with raging hormones and a ego to go with it - who talks and thinks like these women do below.

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=i5mChzFQhFg

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=AsuQS3L8ju0

and it will be even tougher to explain this to a girl who either doesn't speak english or english is not her first language...

it's a tough sale...but...hey maybe i'm wrong...but i'm gonna educate myself about the biology behind this...because explaining and defending karezza is gonna be hard. but...maybe it's all about easing our way into it...

but i really believe in it now - because i honestly now have no desire to indulge in masturbation/fantasy and using porn to aid masturbation. Having awareness from Gary's site and learning from you to stop chasing some type of novelty to orgasm to and learn about emotional connection & bonding is what it's all about.

because i really feel that alot of guys learn about gary's site and they go on a reboot-relapse cycle and talk alot about stopping porn but they inevitably come back to it...but i believe it's because they maybe don't understand is that they MUST replace the addiction with something else...for me....since i'm single...the best thing that works for me ...is looking at romance stories that emphasize slow touch, caring, friendliness

And I guess that's where the power of visualization comes in...i can very easily imagine myself in a love story or being in a family themed movie or tv show...because i don't experience those types of positive emotions in real life...but i can imagine it...kinda like how men use porn to aid masturbation...i can use a family themed tv show or movie with a love story to access positive emotions while i prepare for that special someone to show up in my life.

and i guess hearing you say what you said about emotional connection made the light bulb go off for me. because the bizzare thing for me - is i have watched alot of porn in my 15 years of porn watching.

but i also enjoyed love stories or family tv shows that have romance themed episodes - like this episode here of the waltons.

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=N_M7mr9ijzw

and i always felt weird about that. i would say

"wow i just finished looking at rough anal sex porn online or girls with big butts or hot latin chicks, teens and gangbangs" and now look me - i'm looking at a love story on a family themed tv show. i'm such a weirdo..!"

in my life in the past - I had a steady diet of hardcore Porn, family shows, romance movies along with science fiction, action movies and saturday morning cartoons too.One person once joked at me "He enjoys chick flicks, porno and power rangers....ha ha ha!!!"

but...i realize that while i was addicted to porn and escalating too there was some part of me that wanted the true intimacy too.

i already kinda already knew what you were saying in my mind...because i've seen it in romance movies that emphasize slow intimate touch - in the love scenes.

this film here - is a good example of a romance story that emphasizes soft touch...in love scenes.. when u have time give it a look.

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=OR4xaF9m1E0

so...i'll try my best to start a blog a give updates...and give suggestions...maybe nobody understands

thanks.

I wouldn't worry about

what the mainstream is teaching young women (who want admiring attention), because you can't do much to change it. Just visualize what you want. And watching romantic materials can help with that...as long as you don't lose sight of the fact that they don't really teach the necessary biology either. Smile

Humans, in general, are (soft)wired to bond, even though today's climate can really hijack that wiring. Committed Relationship: You’re Wired For It

I've read Lady Chatterley's Lover. (We used to have thiese things called books....) And yes, when sexual fantasy was based on imagination, not just porn videos, it left room for guys to exercise their bonding inclinations too. That has been usurped by today's videos, which leave nothing to the imagination and appear (to viewers) to be telling the whole story. This is screwing up sexuality big time. A young guy explained this...after he recovered and realized what he had been missing:

Here are the 6 things I've noticed, which no one seems to say outright:

1. Real life sex partners don't see each other as sacks of flesh. Kids raised on porn for their sex education don't understand many things that adults assume are just "givens". When a young man sees porn, like I did, he doesn't understand that people who have sex generally have feelings for each other. He doesn't understand that what he "sees" is different from what the participants "see," in the sense that they see an object of affection. He sees a sex object and assumes the participants do, too. I never had a crush, but watched porn consistently. I came to believe that when you look at a woman you want to have sex with, you are supposed to see her LITERALLY as a piece of meat. I came to believe that people suddenly had animalistic urges to pound flesh, without acknowledging or realizing the other person's humanity. This is a very hard idea to articulate to people, because when I say "piece of meat" most people subconsciously assume I'm being at least a little metaphorical. But the truth is that I thought men and women who had sex became animals for thirty minutes of their day and had intense urges to put genitals in [orifices] for their own sake. The act, I thought, had absolutely no deeper meaning; it was, in my eyes, on the level of defecation, urination, or eating crisps. It was just something that you do. Inhibitions were the only reason I thought everyone was not doing this with each other.

This puts a very sinister tint on everything sex-related, especially for an idealistic young man like myself. In regular porn, I never saw kissing, holding, hugging, cuddling, or affection. I never saw the hours and hours of emotional turmoil involved after a breakup. Or the years of intimate secret-sharing. Or the subtle things like being aroused passionately by the beauty of a woman's hands, or her eyes, or her smile. Growing up on porn caused me to see sex as degrading and empty, not an act of love. No one can understand the kind of psychological damage that causes a young mind. Porn turns what is essentially a giant kiss into a violent beating.

2. Porn = sexual arousal; real life = passionate and intimate feelings of love. When you watch porn, the feeling you get is NOT the feeling you get with real sex. Porn somehow separates love from sex. Just as kids don't understand that the participants in the act have deep feelings of respect and love for their partner (as mentioned above), they also make the assumption that the pure sexual arousal THEY feel while watching pornography is also the same feeling they will get during real sex. This further exacerbates their misunderstandings about sexual intimacy. It led me to believe I was supposed to feel the same thing with a person in real life as I did while watching porn, which is ultimately dehumanizing.

3. The arousal in porn is 400X more intense than the arousal in real life. Most of the arousal felt in porn is replaced in real life by the warmest feelings of love.

4. The things that actors do in porn most people don't do in real life. Most people have limits in real life. I'm making an assumption here, but I don't believe that people in real life have the impulse to [engage in felching, rimming, face f—king, snowballing or facials]. To a young man who doesn't understand the word "intimacy" these acts are in no way affectionate, but humiliating and degrading.

5. If people in real life ARE doing the things a young man sees in porn, they are often doing them in vastly different ways. It's not necessarily WHAT they're doing here that matters as much as HOW they're doing it. People in the real world might see oral sex as an extension of kissing their partner, everywhere. In porn, blowjobs are nasty and degrading and animal-like. Pile-driving in porn is exciting and fun; in real life, it's probably a bit uncomfortable and embarrassing.

6. Porn psychologically splits the viewer, zapping the vitality from his mind. He becomes two people, the watcher and the participator. In essence the alienation from himself deprives him of his ability to act on his romantic impulses.

There's an underlying theme through all of these points, which is that porn separates love from sex. In real life, even when two people who are not in love have sex with each other, they're still doing what they would do if they were in love. On one end of the spectrum, some "relationships" might be more sexual than romantic (i.e., "f—k buddies"), and on the other end they might be more romantic than sexual (i.e., "Romeo and Juliet"). But on either extreme, no real-life relationship is completely devoid of affection or lust. They're all some combination of both. Young people need to understand this, so their moral compasses don't get knocked awry like mine did.

The second to last link has been removed.

"a giant kiss"

In the above article, the author used the phrase "a giant kiss" to represent normal lovemaking.

What a delightful and descriptive phrase... and it's even more apt for the karezza kind of lovemaking!

valid points.

yeah...true....yeah i forget....Lady Chatterly...is a classic novel....he he he...yeah...i forgot about those things called books.

but yeah...i think for sure....that by seeing and valuing the idea of slow intimate touch vs. the rough sex / orgasm / masturbation / porn - i'm learning more...and i just feel more confident...

yeah..i agree. it's not the real thing...it's meant to hold me over until - my life is more in order...

i feel that guys who are intense porn addicts don't entertain the idea of REPLACING the addiction with the idea of what you describe. they just try hard to focus on "hey i'm rebooting and i won't jack off for 90 days..."

and it's painful to do that...physically...there is a withdrawal element there....

for me - while i realize it's not the real thing - seeing the soft, slow, intimate touch.the love & care and using visualization...to try to feel those emotions in my head.......is very empowering..and comforting -

.but also because i'm actually talking to nice women now who care for me - (even if it's mostly online) and 1 or 2 in person - and the possibility that i can really make things happen i real life and i have positive things happening in my life..- that's possibly apart of why i can let go of the porn.

whereas 10 years ago...- i was down & out - i felt hopeless and scared...and all i ever had to look foward to was trying to escalate to a new type of orgasm...to make me feel good. and walking around feeling the shame and even feeling the embarassment of getting caught sometimes...looking at or downloading hardcore videos.

but yeah...i agree...with what you're saying.