September, 2013 Humor

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Hollywood Squares (old TV show)

These great questions and answers are from the days when Hollywood Squares' game show responses were spontaneous, not scripted.
       
        Q. Paul, what is a good reason for pounding meat?
       
        A. Paul Lynde: Loneliness!      
     
       
        Q. You've been having trouble going to sleep. Are you probably a man or a woman?

        A.. Don Knotts: That's what's been keeping me awake.
       
       
        Q. According to Cosmopolitan, if you meet a stranger at a party and you think that he is attractive, is it okay to come out and ask him if he's married?
       
        A.. Rose Marie:  No,  wait until morning.
       
       
        Q. Which of your five senses tends to diminish as you get older?
       
        A. Charley Weaver: My sense of decency..
       
       
        Q. What are 'Do It,' 'I Can Help,' and 'I Can't Get Enough'?
       
        A. George Gobel: I don't know, but it's coming from the next apartment.
       
       
        Q. As you grow older, do you tend to gesture more or less with your hands while talking?
       
        A. Rose Marie: You ask me one more growing old question Peter, and I'll give you a gesture you'll never forget.
       
       
        Q. Paul, why do Hell's Angels wear leather?
       
        A. Paul Lynde: Because chiffon wrinkles too easily.
       
       
        Q.. Charley, you've just decided to grow strawberries. Are you going to get any during the first year?
       
        A.. Charley Weaver: Of course not, I'm too busy growing strawberries.
       
       
        Q. During a tornado, are you safer in the bedroom or in the closet?
       
        A. Rose Marie: Unfortunately Peter, I'm always safe in the bedroom.
       
       
        Q. Can boys join the Camp Fire Girls?
       
        A.. Marty Allen: Only after lights out.
       
       
        Q. When you pat a dog on its head, he will wag his tail. What will a goose do?
       
        A. Paul Lynde: Make him bark?
       
       
        Q. If you were pregnant for two years, what would you give birth to?
       
        A. Paul Lynde: Whatever it is, it would never be afraid of the dark.

      
        Q. According to Ann Landers, is there anything wrong with getting into the habit of kissing a lot
        of people?

         A. Charley Weaver: It got me out of the army.
           
       
        Q. Who stays pregnant for a longer period of time, your wife or your elephant?
       
        A. Paul Lynde: Who told you about my elephant?

THERE'S LISTENING AND THERE'S HEARING

A man was sitting on the edge of the bed,watching his wife, who was looking at herself in the mirror. Since her birthday was not far off he asked what she'd like to have for her birthday.

'I'd like to be six again', she replied, still looking in the mirror.'

On the morning of her Birthday, he arose early, made her a nice big bowl of Lucky Charms, and then took her to Six Flags theme park. What a day! He put her on every ride in the park; the Death Slide, the Wall of Fear, the Screaming Roller  coaster, everything there was.

Five hours later they staggered out of the theme park. Her head was reeling and her stomach felt upside down. He then took her to a McDonald's where he ordered her a Happy Meal with extra fries and a chocolate shake.

Then it was off to a movie, popcorn, a soda pop, and her favorite candy, M&M's. What a fabulous adventure!
Finally she wobbled home with her husband and collapsed into bed exhausted.

He leaned over his wife with a big smile and lovingly asked, 'Well   Dear, what was it like being six again?'

Her eyes slowly opened and her expression suddenly changed.

'I meant my dress size.