L. Kevin Johnson – Spring 2011
This piece shares how one man discovered that learning to use sex as "a pure act of sharing" shifts perception in the direction of inner peace. Here's an excerpt (or read the entire piece).
... The problem we face is simple. Our fears of physical decline, of pain, of not surviving, of not feeling loved drives our ‘ego-sense of self’ within the primitive part of our brain mad and makes us grasp outwardly for relief from the discomfort we feel. Whatever we think will solve the immediate problem is what we go for and it is always determined by our conditioning, our circumstances and preferences. It doesn’t matter what form it takes because it’s always the same. We want relief from suffering.
Everything we pursue, or get angry about, or desire is all a form of symptom substitution from the one fundamental problem – we feel separated from our Source! And we keep trying to make some ‘thing’ in the world become our savior and bring us a sense of fulfillment or satisfaction, whether it be in the form of an orgasm, success, domination, wealth, control, escape, and so on.
The problem is that nothing ever works. All these things we grasp for are temporary and unreliable. It is the reason why we continually ‘seek but do not find’. And it is the reason why we keep striving, going after more and more, never feeling like we have enough. There is never enough pleasure, never enough security, never enough satisfaction and excitement and most of all, never enough love.
When I began to piece this sick dynamic together for myself the first thing I realized was that it was a distressing, dead end trap. And that the only winning move was not to play the game. When I understood that the game was a biological program within the reward center of my brain, I recognized the significance of the advice of the Course at the end of the workbook, where it said “Choose Once Again”. It comes down to a crucial matter of choice we have to make. Either we go along with the control and manipulation of our innate biological program, or we opt for peace through learning to embrace the Divine Presence of power, love and wisdom. This is something we can and must do if we want to free ourselves from the entanglements of a dysfunctional system that goes nowhere, around and around forever.
The Buddha described something similar when he laid down his brilliant doctrine of nirvana and samsara. Samsara, he explained, was like an unbalanced wheel set in motion and maintained through humanity’s endless pursuit of ignorance, hatred and desire. Sentient beings ride this wheel through eons of time, countless ages of birth and death and the rise and fall of universes. But in the center, he says, there is a place that is still and secure. This nirvana, he says, is a psychological position that we can choose, a place inside of us where we remain conscious and unaffected by the endless procession of worlds and experiences.
Though it is possible to achieve this in many different ways, I believe the most direct approach is through intimacy with the opposite sex. The split between the sexes is central to the problem in perception, a shattering of the reality and wholeness in each individual. The polarities of male and female carry within each one a reflection of the sense of separation that drives the whole cyclic dynamic. What Donna and I want to do is fix this imbalance in ourselves and we are now experiencing that the most powerful way to do that is through sexual embrace. I discovered through my own experience that conventional (orgasmic) mating sex only serves to achieve more separation.
I always felt intuitively that the solution to my unhappiness was to find a lover who would love me unconditionally. Here again is the same old trap of looking for some ‘thing’ outside to take away the dissatisfaction and sense of separation. One cannot look for another to complete them. One must bring a spirit of completion to another and bridge the gap through uniting in awareness and love. Males are the embodiment of awareness and females are love.
I understand now that the fulfillment of A Course in Miracles can occur naturally when a man can learn to sexually embrace a woman in stillness. In other words, he makes love to her in complete mindful awareness of his penis inside of her, without any goal for orgasm or ejaculation. When he can offer gentle awareness in the act of making love and bring loving-kindness, strength, calmness and still presence to her, the sense of separation is healed. And by doing so, he can begin to touch the heart of a woman’s love, which is what he really needs to feel complete. Now that I have experienced this, I feel that it is the embodiment of the teachings of the Course because it heals the feeling of isolation and aloneness.
For women too, it takes away the burden of having to whup-up an orgasm just so the man can feel he has pleased the woman. Most women realize that they don’t need an orgasmic release to feel fulfilled. Often, they are sexually frustrated because of the anxiety of having to perform and satisfy a hungry and depleted man. I have observed that if a man embraces a woman with a mind set on getting something from her, he is pursuing a goal that can never be reached. There is nothing that he can ever ‘get’ from a woman that is going to make him feel satisfied. A man has to approach her to offer ‘healing’. He has to realize that he makes love to her as a way to heal the sense of separateness between all men and women. And in doing so, he experiences life more akin to the “real world”, a state of clarity and tranquility where it is possible to experience true perception (love).
Scientifically we can prove that neurochemicals such as oxytocin are produced in a man’s brain, which allows him to feel the shelter of a woman’s love, but for me there is much more than that going on. Each time I make love in this way, I sense that I am getting more attuned to a divine state of being, that I am accepting the Will of God (healing the separation). There is a cumulative strength growing in me where I feel less rattled by things in the world. There is less temptation to perceive myself as victimized and seduced by my ego, less recovery time from periods of anxiety and fear, less need to control my circumstances.
Furthermore, I feel I am making strides toward the level of true-perception that the Course talks about. I realize that there are many who would disagree with this, yet there is no doubt in my mind that the secret to finding a way out of the manipulative thought-matrix of the technological control grid in our society, is through the profound act of slowly and thoughtfully making love without the goal of orgasm. For a man, he must learn to embrace a woman with profound awareness and remain calm and still long enough to stay sexually intertwined with her so she can eventually feel the presence of the divine male power which opens her capacity toward expressing the love in her.
In my experience, what a woman needs is male nurturing, vitality, adoration, gentleness and affection. For women, the sexual act is just another bonding behavior, a kind of symbolic ritual of sacred connection of the polarities of yin(receptivity) and yang(activity). Therefore, it is wise for men to pull their attention away from the importance of having an orgasm (for themselves and their partner) and focus instead on expressing genuine reverence and love. It is the addiction for release or sensual stimulation that gets in the way of experiencing the natural bio-energetic connection through the union of the male and female polarities.
Too often for men, in the heat of passion, the sensations in his sexual organ carry him away, and then his focus gravitates back toward the goal of emitting semen. He expects the woman to feel the same about this. And when she doesn’t, he feels disappointed, rejected and insulted. This whole attitudinal addiction breaks the sacredness of the union. It takes patience to learn how to relax and value the sensation of being calm as the most important part of lovemaking. A certain level of arousal is helpful, but one must be mindful to avoid the rough waters of unbridled passion. When a man gives up orgasm, stops the habit of masturbation and begins to live a healthful lifestyle, then he can learn to stay peacefully and skillfully aroused and control his initial longing to ejaculate. Eventually he will experience the subtle, effortless, pulsating life-force energy as it rises naturally throughout his entire body. Just being able to feel the sensation of the penis still and vibrantly pulsating in the woman’s vagina is wonderful.
I sense that this process enables me to achieve an increased level of stable life-force energy, higher vitality, a calm mind and serene emotions. It strengthens my connection to Donna and gives me more conscious contact with the Superior Currents of Thought (spiritual insight).
Though I know this is difficult to communicate, it is apparent to me that this is what is happening during lovemaking. For a long time, I was totally confused about why women seem to have little or no “sexual feelings” and yet sex with them is necessary as part of the healing process; it was because I wasn’t seeing the fact that their yin nature is not wired to have any kind of overt sexual passion, especially after menopause. Donna expressed it best by explaining that many women have to artificially heat themselves up in order to have an orgasm. They really don’t have any real need or motivation because it’s not necessary when they are not attempting to get fertilized. Therefore, what a woman needs is a strong, vitalized male to bring that divine, passionate energy to her. This is what soothes and comforts her. A weak, devitalized (habitually masturbating) male is a turn-off because he has nothing of value to offer.
Yin is soft, stable, receptive, and passionless; yang is hard, unstable, direct and passionate. It is the merging of these two forces that brings about a heightened level of spiritual consciousness and balanced divine energy. Conscious sexual union is the most powerful, direct way to access this energy and channel it into ourselves. A woman functions best by just being a receptive vehicle for “grounding” the electrical energy in the man. The man, when he stops depleting his reserves, will naturally begin to build a ‘charge’. Though it is vital, it is highly unstable. Yet by merging with a female body, slowly and without friction, her vagina will eventually start to produce a clear, lubricating, essence filled fluid. This is the catalyst that brings about the positive effects of conscious awareness. The magnetic quality of her body during this act can balance the polarities, and then the two become one (in an ‘electro-magnetic’ sense).
As time goes on and a man and a woman engage in this practice for this purpose, their energetic bodies begin to adapt, hormones, essences and neurochemicals are produced and the two of them begin to open to higher experiences of love. ... Read entire piece