(Darryl) First, if you don't know much about ejaculation control, you may find this link helpful.
(Darryl) My wife and I have practiced karezza-style lovemaking for 13 years. When I thought carefully about exactly what I do when engaging with my wife, what struck me was how the penis is a sending instrument. It's designed obviously to send. Even if you don't orgasm and send semen into the woman, your penis is still a sending tool. You need to send something when engaging sexually.
What I observe is that I actually send energy. This may sound a little airy-fairy but I think if you pay attention during sex the feeling of sending will come to you. What I do is send this energy at the bottom of every stroke. It goes like this: When I move outward I squeeze that PC muscle I talked about, a little bit, and often not at all. The farther I withdraw, which is rarely all that much, the more I tend to gently squeeze, never hard though, always pretty lightly.
If you're really squeezing then you're to close to the edge and need to slow it down. On the way back in I relax at some point before I'm in all the way. When I'm at maximum penetration I totally relax, send the energy, and pause there. Sometimes only for a few seconds, sometimes for minutes.
I think if you pay attention you will notice this natural "sending" energy when you are fully penetrated, relaxed, and at rest, even if the rest is only momentary. If you "send" at the bottom of every stroke you'll siphon off the energy that can build up and lead to blue balls.
Think about it, in regular sex you build it up and up until the energy has to go somewhere and you send all that built-up energy out in the form of semen. Where's it going to go if you don't ejaculate it out? If you send it into your woman energetically at every stroke you shouldn't get the build-up. If the two of you are tuned into each other she should like the receiving sensation of the sending energy you give her.
This sending and receiving flow between lovers is what karezza is all about, very, very sweet. I usually don't have the urge to "send" the energy right away. It takes a bit before I start to have the "sending" feeling. The longer we go the more I get into a sending flow. Once we're really in the feeling and flow, there's almost never any squeezing at all, my genitals and pelvic floor are completely relaxed.
One of the interesting things I've noticed is that my penis stays much more erect when I'm completely relaxed then when I'm clenching or squeezing. It's like my penis has a direction of its own when I let go. I just sit back and enjoy the ride.
Behind this "sending" is something more core to the man's place within karezza, and that is the role of serving. Rather than serving one's own orgasmic release, as in conventional lovemaking, the man practicing karezza continuously serves the woman. I let the "sending" be the serving. Obviously a man can serve a woman in regular orgasmic-style lovemaking, but at some point, we guys veer off and serve our orgasmic release, which ends up becoming a disconnect.
What I have learned, through years of practicing non-orgasmic lovemaking, is that the woman sits at the core of all things sexual. She is a powerful sexual being and this is her domain, her realm to be served and adored in. When the man stays in the serving role, the deeper part of the woman opens and flowers, and she craves the experience of opening like this. Within this deeper opening are all the feminine gifts I crave—but to receive and experience this deeper soul satisfaction I give up my personal release.
To serve the woman sexually ends up serving both the man and the woman. It's one of those great paradoxes in life: Give up, possibly, life's most intense pleasure for a man, and a world of infinitely deeper and more meaningful pleasure opens up. In most of life a woman is built to be a giver and nurturer. In the sexual realm she is the goddess, built to receive. And in this regard we men are built to give. This is what karezza embodies, and through serving the woman, the divine feminine she is, the man fufills his role and receives what he yearns for.
Practicing karezza with a partner is one of the most deeply satisfying experiences I have in life. It's well worth the learning curve.
[More advice, to another person] The approach of "slow sex" is an excellent way into the karezza experience. Karezza is not just a mental thing, but encompasses the body, mind, and spirit. It needs a space to take root and flower in. Going slow is a great way to create this space.
Karezza-style lovemaking will never shove conventional sex out of the way. An empty space has to be created, and then the karezza experience will slowly fill it. We often go from cuddling, or even just lying there talking, to the natural rise of sexual energy. Sometimes, I'm like, "I think this is just going to be a cuddle day", and then next thing I know we're making love. It's an energy thing in the body. Its like our bodies call to each other.
I think a lot of people come at arousal from the mind, but in my experience real sex is a conversation between bodies, and our bodies have their own language. You let the bodies do the talking.
A big part of karezza is the awakening of the penis and vagina. You could say that the "noise" of conventional sex makes it difficult to hear the soft, gentle music of karezza lovemaking, the quiet yet compelling conversation between the penis and vagina. Going slow quiets things down so you can "hear/feel" this other rhythm.
Go slow as long as you can, as long as your partner will stay with you. If you start to lose her, go ahead and give her her orgasm. If you can do it, hold your own and don't orgasm, but let her have hers. Each time make the slow part last longer and longer. Also, if you can manage not to go over the edge even when she does, you show her you really want this and mean business, that you're taking the lead and know where you want to go, (even if you don't completely).
Karezza takes time, with repeated sessions. The penis and vagina do not wake up overnight. Take charge. You could say something like, "Were going to do something different than what you're used to. I'm going to take charge. You relax and receive." At some point you could even just pull out and say, "This is as far as we're going today. You are, and have been, divinely delicious". Then simply cuddle for a while and feel the energy. Let her know that you enjoyed her and you don't need her to give you an orgasm to be satisfied.
This will give just about any woman pause. You will be something she has never experienced. You'll have to feel and negotiate your way as you go. You may stumble a bit, but you'll get it.
(sender) Being married (for 19 years), my sexual goal now is to enjoy being with my wife. I think this gives me a different perspective on Karezza. A brief history will help me explain.
Before knowing anything about Karezza, I was addicted to porn, had porn-related ED issues, used pot to compensate for them, and ultimately, my wife and I had experimented with polyamory. She even identified herself as bisexual. We both believed that all of this extra stimulation was needed in order to maintain interest in "married sex". After all, to an internet porn addict, the same woman starts to look pretty boring; especially compared to all of the "available" 2-D mates in the endless supply of porn material I had 24x7 access to. And those "mates" didn't have any preconditions, they never said no, and they would always do exactly what I wanted them to whenever I wanted them to do it. My wife also believed that pretty much all guys use porn which makes it normal.
Now that I'm aware of the havoc all of those "super stumuli" were wreaking on my brain, I avoid them like the plague. On occasion, I still struggle with the urge to self-pleasure, but only when I'm feeling the chaser effect after an orgasm (which I mostly avoid now too).
I can relate to your comment about women being appealing. I find my wife to be very sexy. But I can now see that even though lust / mating-style sex feels great in the moment, it leads me away from the feeling of balance that I have come to enjoy, so I try instead to focus on the pleasure of being with her rather than the fantasies that her body can elicit in me if I allow myself to indulge in them. I don't always succeed, but I am getting better at noticing when I am falling into old patterns and reminding myself of the associated costs. I find it easier to make a good choice when I have some distance from the intense cravings.
The Karezza lifestyle is serving me well at this point in my life and marriage. Actually, I can't imagine how we could go back to the old way and feel good about it. However, if I were young and single / dating, I would probably struggle to avoid orgasms. To extend your food analogy, maybe the key in your situation is to consider sex more like a long, slow, delicious sensual treat of a meal rather than fast food you gobble down as quickly as possible. In the former case, the pleasure of eating is in the moment you are tasting something amazing. The experience continues to be amazing as long as you are focused on what you are tasting right then. In other words, the goal is to taste, not to become full.
(studentoflove) I think I'm tasting more of the 'lusty sweetness' of karezza. I've allowed 'lust' to arise within me (I suppose, "letting loose" a bit more), and have channeled that energy into loving my girlfriend. You wrote 'earthy lusty', and sex seems to be more that way in the last three sessions. At the end of each session we haven't wanted to stop, due to the good feelings. I've been more heated up then I was in previous karezza. I'm not sure if it's a good thing (?), although, it's felt good. It's not like a frustrated heated up, but more of a feeling of nourishment.
I've been at a higher level of arousal throughout. I've been closer to orgasm, but practising what you mentioned above; sending the love-energy at each stroke. When the energy has built up, I've felt it 'dissipate' as I focus on sending. Thanks for describing it as you did - it feels good putting it into practice. I understand what you mean about squeezing the genitals - that the sending is restricted. When I am relaxed, it feels like energy is flowing out of me naturally and she is receiving it. It feels more pleasurable for me when I stay relaxed. And, I intuit what you mean about her "milking" the energy, although I haven't experienced it significantly yet.
You mentioned to think of it like a gift, a gift of your masculine force. In the last three sessions, I've felt more connected to my masculine nature, and I likewise feel more of her femininity; how good it feels to me, to be received by her. So, although I'm at a higher arousal level, I also feel that with focusing on sending energy throughout, I'm staying away from the urge to orgasm. In today's session, I realised that I don't want to orgasm, since it would take away from the intimacy of these new experiences. I've also noticed that I'm able to penetrate more quickly now, whilst still maintaining connection.
(Further thoughts from Darryl) What constitutes karezza? I was talking with a friend over the weekend about karezza and I was made aware of, what I gather, is a common view about what karezza is. Figured it might be a valuable contribution to spell it out clearly from our angle.
First, I want to say that there is no karezza rule book or reigning authority on the subject. As far as I know there are no ancient karezza scrolls with god's blessings on them. No karezza police either, not that I've ever seen. In fact, from what I understand the word "karezza" was coined by a woman who wrote a book in the early 1900's and it seems to have stuck as the name for what we talk about on this site. Personally I like the name. My point is, we are all discovering this new territory as we go, reinventing our sexual selves. Nobody has the one approach. Yeah, some of us have been at it for a while but it doesn't mean we are the definitive authorities on the subject.
With that said, here's my definition of what karezza is. Sexual intercourse without orgasm or ejaculation. That's it, the whole definition. Under that umbrella anything goes. May every couple find their way with so little to go on! I think we tend to like new things spelled out for us and karezza paints with a very broad, minimal strokes, and lets you fill in the rest.
With that definition in mind, one's behaviors would be governed by the no-orgasm rule. If what you're doing causes you to go over the edge into orgasm or makes you want to go over the edge into orgasm then those behaviors would be steered clear of. I suppose behavior that makes you want to have an orgasm would technically fit under the definition, as long as you didn't, but I can't imagine that would be very enjoyable for long and would get frustrating pretty quickly.
One of the nicest places to be when engaging in karezza is to reach the point where you have absolutely no urge to orgasm at all. Then you're cruising. Probably swinging from a trapeze in your bedroom while your partner is bound, tied and strapped to the bed, and using a double ended vibrating dildo is most likely not going to fit under the karezza umbrella. Someone's bound to have an orgasm, or be very unhappy. I don't think there's such a thing as BDSM karezza....yet.
For many folks getting too heated up is the main hurdle, so gentle intercourse and lots of bonding behaviors make good sense. Well, bonding behaviors are good no matter what. For others something a little more steamy may be the ticket. Some folks may want to turn it up while others need to turn it down. I think one of the misconceptions around karezza is that turning it down is what should always be done.
I think of karezza as a balance between stimulation and sensation. Let me explain my take on this: Conventional orgasm-driven sex is predominately about stimulation, whereas karezza style lovemaking is based in sensation and the flow of energy. In stimulation the energy builds up and seeks release, hence the orgasmic conclusion. With sensation the energy flows back and forth between partners without seeking this conclusion, which is why karezza sex usually goes on for a much longer period of time.
Stimulation is predominately centered in the clitoris and head of the penis, where the energy builds. Sensation is within the vagina and at the base/root of the penis where the sending (penis) and receiving (vagina) takes place. To say that there's no sensation in conventional sex and no stimulation in karezza would be untrue. Both have some of each in them; it's a matter of how much, especially in non-orgasmic lovemaking. A lot of sensation in conventional sex will still end up in orgasm, although it may take a little longer to get there, but too much stimulation in karezza sex will hijack the experience over into the conventional realm.
I believe understanding this framework can help couples find their balance in karezza-style lovemaking. If it's getting too heated up then reduce the stimulation. If it's a little too sedate and you want to build the energy up a bit, then add a touch of stimulation. Something that adds a little more contact/movement to the stimulation centers of the genitals, like more movement for the penis and more contact with the clitoris. A simple angle change during lovemaking can do the trick.
Obviously for stimulation reduction the opposite would be true, which is why some positions are better for karezza and others not so good. In the beginning it's the stimulation level one generally keeps an eye on, but after a while you become immersed in the sensation and the stimulation falls where it does as the sensation becomes the natural focus.
In the end, let your body and your heart guide you. Both put together will take you on a beautiful journey of pleasure, connection and love.
Anonymous exchange about maleness and sexual dominance
(1st male) In the sexual world, it seems as though whether they admit it openly or not, most women want to be ravished. There are exceptions, sure, but on the whole if a man does not take charge & fuck as if overcome by desire, he's seen as weak & less attractive. I find this hard to deal with mentally, because while I often do feel like ravishing, I know that in the long run this leads to instability, & karezza is the logical choice. But I can't help but feel this kind of sex is not accepted, or at least that it is somehow emasculating.
(2nd male) I've been thinking about this after my first and second Karezza experiences. My girl loves being dominated and being totally submissive, to the point of us acting out rape fantasies in the past. However this hasn't been something she has missed. In fact she said it has been liberating to be an equal part of the experience rather than a passive receiver. She said she always used to think of her role as being pounded, but "perhaps there is more to sex." To me she looks more feminine during non-orgasmic sex than when screaming and shouting "Fuck me harder". I don't feel feminine if a woman is the one on top. She could never force that upon me in the way I could on her. I am letting her take this position. Dominance is therefore assumed in the bedroom for the man. I will always be bigger and stronger. Even if I am not using that power the fact that it is there always remains. This is why I think masculinity and aggression / dominance are not one and the same. As an example outside of the bedroom, I can bark and aggressively tell a woman what we are doing this afternoon or I can lead. To me the second option is more masculine than the first. Perhaps a woman that needs to be fucked hard as hell is not totally secure with gender roles...
(3rd male) With conventional sex we are very focused on two things OUTSIDE ourselves:
#1, we are focused on our partner, how she is feeling, what effect we are having on her, how we are turning her on, how wet she is, etc.
#2, we are focused on fantasy, thoughts that increase our stimulation and our arousal to the inevitable climax.
With Karezza, we are instead focused on: #1 our own sensations. This takes practice but is what it's all about. Sensation, how the penis feels in the vagina, how the base of the penis radiates energy and sensation into our bodies, and so forth. #2, uh, there isn't anything else. Not really. There is no fantasy. There is no focus on turning on our partner. There can be arousal, great arousal, but the game is entirely different due to the focus on our own sensation and the lack of fantasy and climbing up arousal to orgasm.
Once you get this, the idea that somehow it's effeminate or not masculine to practice this way, that women just like to be fucked, goes out the window. It's dead meat. Being ravished or fucked is a form of fantasy, acting out a mind game. There's nothing wrong with it, it's great as far as conventional sex goes. See #2 in my first list, focus on fantasy. That's what that is. It's totally cool.
But I've left that life in the dust now. Karezza feelings are so much more pleasurable. I do get what you are saying. There is this conventional thinking that is hard to shake. I'm very stimulated by touch all over my body when I'm in a mood, and my wife will oblige me. But she herself is not relaxed enough to do certain things like have me kiss her breasts. And she feels there is something vaguely unmanly about my erotic reactions. But I don't really care. That's her hangup not mine and I look forward to the day she gets over it, if she ever does.
See, with Karezza you have your world of incredible pleasure. It's not that you don't care about the other person's pleasure, but it's about your feeling and your sensation. And the paradox is, with this focus on you, there is a much better connection, a real connection, with your lover that you don't get any other way. And I think that's incredibly masculine -- being secure in who you are enough to connect on this deepest level. Wow, how masculine is that? Talk about secure, safe, and grounded -- this is the ultimate in masculinity.
(1st female) As a woman, I have learned to relax and be receptive rather than tense against my lover as in normal lovemaking. This allows him to let his masculinity flow through me completely. As a result, he feels his "maleness" so much more than when I was more aggressive in my sexual role (which always felt false to me). I am so relaxed that he will sometimes gently hold my body still so I don't move away from his slow thrusts. When that happens, I feel so engulfed in his masculinity. Karezza has a way of not only bringing out your own masculinity/femininity, but also bringing to you the aspects of each other you need for true balance. It's wonderful in that way.
(4th male) I think of making love as a dance. Yes, the man may play a role as the leader and the woman the follower, but without the two intertwined there is no dance. In sex the man is active and the woman receptive. The man sends, the woman receives. The woman calls, the man responds, a dance back and forth. The subtlest of movements can be a call, a sending... sublime. For so long men have taken without invitation, dominated without feeling, its no wonder that some women think this is the way passionate sex should be. I want a dance not a power play.