Think porn temporarily changed my orientation. I'm a lesbian. Thoughts please!

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I posted this in the addict section of a quick note because I was looking to get advice quick but this section seems more appropriate for this type of question I guess. Already got a few feedbacks on the other forum, but am curious about more.

First of all, I am a 20 year old lesbian. It took me forever to admit it to myself since i grew up in a "Gays to hell" household. I have a girlfriend that I am in love with, emotionally, physically, and sexually. We've been together almost 2 years.

The past 6-8 months out of boredom, I began porn watching. I've always occasionally watched porn, but i'd say in the past 6-8 months is where is was around 5 times a week. To the point of staying up porn searching for hours, looking for a good porn. As others have said, I began to look more for extreme things (incest, rape, gangbang) all of which are OPPOSITE of what I find hot in real life, and I find them disgusting in real life. I also masturbate while watching porn. By the way, I am/was fully satisfied by my girl. But when I was at home (we don't live together) I would watch porn for fun or out of boredom.

If I couldn't study, i'd watch porn to "relive" my stress and get it out of my system. When i was bored, I'd watch it. No one home, I'd watch it.

I guess i didn't realize I was actually getting HOOKED on it. I watch straight porn because lesbian porn bores me because i hate to see girls who act like lesbians who are really straight try and fake their lesbian acts. Therefore, I love straight porn and picturing myself as a guy in the porn though im a femme lesbian. Never pictured myself as the girl in porn.

Anyway, within the past 2 weeks, i told my girlfriend I wanted to quit watching porn. I just realized i didn't want to associate myself with any of the nasty (and more hardcore) things I had begun watching. So i quit, cold-turkey. Next few days, I realized i was looking at guys sexually.
I mean every guy, as in the most ugly repulsing guy you can imagine and still thinking of him sexually.

It scared me since although i can find a guy "hot" i never want to be with him that way. But this was a whole new thinking for me.

And no, this is not my "unconscious" telling me something, seeing as how i spent 20 years trying to "make" myself straight and just recently came to terms with the fact that i love women as relationships, and guys as friends.

I just noticed these "straight" thoughts flourished after stopping porn.
What I think is that my mind saw naked males always having sex by me watching porn, so now that my brain isn't seeing it/getting the pleasure it gets from masturbation while watching porn, it automatically is associating every guy i see with porn which means sex.

Does this make sense to anyone else?

I'm afraid because this has caused me to be emotionless to everything lately.
Meaning my girlfriend, school, life, etc.

It's like I am having withdrawl symptoms of a real addiction such as drug addiction.
Never thought porn addiction had such symptoms, but then again, i never thought i was "addicted" but am now having different thoughts.

I've been experiencing: the straight thoughts, highs and lows, irritability, emotionless, etc. since stopping watching porn/masturbating.

Do you think once I finally get over my body not being exposed to porn that these thoughts will stop of associating every guy with sex when I know that's not what I want/how I am wired?

By the way, when i think of guys when i see them, its just sexually, and it's mainly their penis.
Kind of just like in porn.

This is so annoying.
Do you think stopping porn will help this go away for good? It's been about a week and a half or so.
Do you think these are the symptoms im experiencing... withdrawals?

Anyone have any tips of how to get over this addiction quicker?
Or supporting advice?

Let me also say that lately

Let me also say that lately i think my girlfriend has been turning me on the least with the idea of, which is insane since I'm always the kind who can only get turned on by who i like, and she is the first person I've ever genuinely been in love with.
Before stopping porn, I never sexually thought of anyone else. I could look at someone and say they were attractive, but not in an I want them kind of way.

However, since stopping porn and these "straight thoughts" flourishing, it has not only been straight thoughts.
Yesterday, I had sexual thoughts of doing my ex, who is a female. So, it's not only straight thoughts, but cheating thoughts, which were also a turn on in porn.

I also had a long played out fantasy of me being a dude, and doing Mila Kunis (the actress). Before porn, I'd always unconsciously put myself in the guys place in anything though I'm not a butch lesbian, everything from music videos to movies while lately, i've been picturing myself as more of the submissive FEMALE, which has never happened in my life.
Even during the porn phase, I only pictured myself as the male in porn and enjoying the female turning me on.

So I am having straight thoughts, cheating thoughts, but also me being in the guys place (as i always have) and doing celebrities, or girls I know have no connection with.
Simply LUST.

And the only one I DO love/have feelings for, is the one I am not picturing or wanting as much. It's hurting me since I love her.
I need reassurance that this will pass, the thoughts will fade, and I continue loving/thinking sexually of only my girlfriend.
And also, do all of these things sound like usual withdrawal symptoms?

Been about 2 weeks since last orgasm, a little more since last porn watch.
The thoughts come at random times, some stay long, while others fade.

It seems that if i had "become straight overnight" which I don't think can happen, would have happened WHILE I watched porn. Not while quitting.

Does this sound like a usual case, but in female form?
Example: Males thinking they are gay, but they are straight? But a lesbian thinking shes bi/straight/promiscuous though she's monogamous, faithful, and only experiences feelings for GIRLS?

Thanks for any input guys :(

I observed in the lesbian

I can relate to a lot of this. i observed in the lesbian community that there is getting to be an increasing focus on kinky sex play and on being genderqueer and polyamorous - also that many lesbians like gay male porn and try to deal with their relationships by adding more stimulation (more partners, more kink, porn, etc). Where I live it's also highly politicized (lots of activist activity) and there is a huge angry vibe. I had to leave the community because this kind of "fringe" stuff totally goes against what I discovered is the healthiest and sanest way for me to live. I'm interested in a slow and more spiritual/contemplative approach to life. I'm assuming I'm not going to be attracted to men any time soon, so that just means I'm celibate unless and until I meet a compatible woman who is on the same page with me.

Porn and even written erotica can add a lot of confusing stimuli and in a community where so much focus is based upon how you identify and what label you wear, it can feel very traumatic to have anything threaten those labels.

I have been there myself - I had to more or less throw away all of my sex toys, videos, erotica books, detox from my fantasy scenarios, to figure out how I was wired...

You may find that if you go on a "kink fast" and "porn fast" you may find yourself feeling less confused.

Z.

there is a name for it

they call it HOCD, homosexual OCD, and it's thoughts of being homosexual for straight guys, and I could see it conversely for gay ladies and men thinking they are straight.

It's the mind doing its thing. So the mind creates thoughts that would be most tortuous and punishing and then "you" get these thoughts and it bothers you, and the cycle goes on and on. And it has nothing to do with your being straight if you are gay, or gay if you are straight. It's just the "worst" thought you can think of (OMG I'm not gay/straight) and that thought is very repellent to you and therefore it sticks.

What we resist, persists. If you could suddenly feel okay with being straight, and really mean it, the thoughts would fade.

But they will fade anyway. Usually these thoughts go away after awhile when you quit porn.

and one more thought

what I love about this website is that it shows us how no matter how weird or strange we feel we are, the thoughts and experiences we have that we think are so weird and strange are in fact mundane and common. There is nothing that you can think or feel or fantasize about having anything to do with sex that hasn't been done and is being done by millions and probably billions out there :)

This "HOCD" or really "SOCD" is very, very common as a side effect of getting into porn and the escalation of tastes and search for novelty that the dopamine/porn addiction results in.

So you aren't unusual, you are quite normal.

Hi totally. Since marnia

Hi totally. Since marnia moved this thread to the addicts section, please check my post there. I updated on my current situation. I am now sure I have hocd... Please reply on the thread in the addicts forum with any advice. Thank you so much