I've tried to avoid coming here for a while, as it results in me thinking too much about the problem (I find ignorance helps keep the anxiety down) but as I have relapsed today and i'm feeling pretty down i thought I'd give an update.
I'm now in a bizarre situation where an urge to masturbate can be triggered by a woman but no matter what i do it doesn't give me an erection, so I have to quickly flick to gay stuff then once I have an erection flick back to women, thats just weird.
Also started to get sexual feelings looking at certain men just when I'm out and about, it's all extremely potent anxiety fuel. It's not particularly the man himself that gives me the feelings (sometimes erections) but it summons sexual thoughts. By comparison, when I'm turned on by a woman it what I'm actually looking at which is arousing, not some thought triggered by it.
I no longer have any "deep down" feeling regarding my sexual preference - I just have no idea.
To be honest it all seems a bit like denial, but then if it really was denial surely I would be hiding from the problem rather than actively seeking advice?
The one thing that really brings me down now is that even if I do eventually get over the new sexual tastes that have become wired, I'll never really get over the problem, never be able to go a day without having to think about it in order to stop it happening again. It would be so much easier if I could just turn gay, then there would be no problem and i would not have to modify my behaviour or ever think about it again. Having to proactively make a permanent lifestyle change in order to get 'back to normal' will just be a constant reminder that theres a problem - anxiety forever. Or am I wrong? Will it get to a point eventually where the urge simply won't be there, so won't even have to think about it? What I really need is for someone who has recovered from a situation like this to tell me it gets better, something i have yet to see.
Haven't felt this anxious in many weeks. I can pretty much hear my heart racing.
Also sorry if I seem over dramatic! :)
All this aside I am still able to have sex with my partner with no problems, and its amazing (Except when certain thoughts pop up). It would be so amazing if I could just be with her and leave all this behind.
I'd also like to repeat my thanks, you have all been very helpful.