New member, long time fighter.

Submitted by Passenger on
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Hello friends.
I´m new here but I´ve been reading on different forums for the last two years, since I decided to quit porn. I have to warn you that my english is not perfect, since it´s not my native language;)

I guess I have the same story as hundreds of you people. Began reading porn mags with my friends at age 12-13, then started buying videos a couple of months later. Had a tv on my room and used to stay up at night watching porn on cable. My parents knew nothing. At the same time my fantasies about girls started drifting away from romantic to sexual encounters. When I was 15-16 the Internet explosion happened and we all know what that meant. First we just had the dialup and my parents monitored my use since it was expensive. Still managed to download hundreds of pictures that I kept on floppy discs. And there we go, broadband, P2P, Torrents, streaming etc etc. At the age of 18 I met a girl and lost my virginity. For a while I think my porn problem was better, but soon I stayed up at night watching porn again, even though I had a sweet girl waiting in our bedroom. She never found out (I think) but our relationship ended a couple of years later because I stopped noticing her, stopped being grateful, became jealous, needy and just wasnt the same guy anymore. I was single for about two years and had a lot of short relationships and one nighters. Then I met the love of my life and I´ve been with her ever since. The porn has been with me all these years also. I´ve managed to keep it a secret even though she almost busted me a couple of times. My girlfriend hates porn.

Two years ago I stopped drinking and smoking and decided to quit porn aswell. First two were no problem at all actually, but the third was a big NO. I managed to keep up for 26 days at one time, and around 15-20 days at other times. Often I relapse within a week. You know the drill with this wheel of heaven and hell. Many times I felt SO SURE that I would never watch again, just to lose control and relapse again a couple of days later. It´s sick!

Enough for now, this time I have the tools for success, I can feel it in my soul. I have downloaded a lot of books and research papers into my ipad and the more I read about porn addiction, the more determined I become to put this stupid, strange, warped, misogynous, rascist crap behind me. I´m gonna kill this dark passenger in my soul.

I recently got my dream job, related to what I´ve been studying for the last five years. Good company and good salary. I should be the happiest man alive right now but I´m not. Even thought about quitting already, even though I know this is what I´m supposed to work as. Me and my girlfriend almost broke up earlier this year but decided give it a last chance. She said that I wasn’t as “manly” as I used to be a couple of years ago, that I was too depressed and whining. She´s right, obviously, but she doesn’t know the reason.

The last months I relapsed around day 10 every time, but I´ve felt a little more secure and a lot more manly between the relapses. But when I relapse, what I rebuilt breaks into some depressed state of mind where I´m bitter, paranoid (think the worst things possible will happen to me), slowthinking, have no creativity (and THAT is something I really need and usually have) and every other negative feeling you can think of.

I decided to quit for real (again) when I finally (after three interviews) were offered this job. That was three weeks ago. I managed to hold up for eleven days. Then I relapsed just two nights before my first day at work. Unfortunately, I went on from there and binged every night for five days. I worked my ass off at the office, then home and did the other “work”. Last friday I sobered up again and took some drastic measures to keep myself clean. And I mean REALLY drastic. This is quite funny! I reinstalled K9, chosed a random password I don’t remember, linked it to a new email account I created with a random password I don’t remember. Then I logged on to my wireless router, where I put on porn filter and choosed to block certain websites and keyword (every pornsite I used to visit and every damn hardcore porn word I know). Then I changed the password for the router settings to another random password that I don’t remember. The last thing I did was the craziest. I actually superglued the little resetting hole on the back on the router, so I wont be able to reset it to factory settings. So I guess it´s pretty much impossible for me to view porn at home if I dont reinstall the whole system and buy a new router. It gives me some peace of mind when I know it´s meaningless to even try to browse for porn.

I´m gonna fix this, I´m sure I can beat this addiction forever. Today I´m one week totally clean again.

Wish me luck. I´ll try to post here as often as I can, and tell you about my progress.
I have a feeling I´ll need some support to really make it this time. The resources here on Reuniting and YBOP are truly a blessing.
Your new friend,

You are a brave man

It's no fun dealing with these sneaky brain changes that hijack your willpower so easily at first.

I admire your radical honesty with yourself. Gary was the same way with his addiction. No rationalizations...just the facts. I think it bodes well for your recovery.

That said, you may want to get some extra support. This addiction is tough. Are there any groups you could attend?

You may also want to come clean with your sweetheart if you don't reach cruising altitude on this attempt. (Let's hope you do!) I say this because it sounds like things are reaching a crisis point in any case...and she obviously cares for you a lot. If you can get her to understand that your brain needs time to change back, she can be a big ally.

Meanwhile, she may be contributing to your challenge simply because orgasmic sex can trigger a binge due to the neurochemical chaser after orgasm.

In any case, learning daily bonding behaviors ( or experimenting with karezza while you get your brain back in balance ( might be good strategies. It's possible you could persuade her to try those things even without explaining why.

Your English is great! Start a blog if you like.

Relapsed but back on track

I feel that I should post a little update abut my progress, or my recent lack of progress that is.

For Christmas I travelled to my hometown to visit friends and family. I didnt bring my laptop and forgot my ipad at home. Felt secure that I wouldnt relapse this last week of the year. The first night at home we spent at my girlfriends parents. Their guest room only have two small beds so me and my girlfriend sleep at opposite sides of the room when we visit.

She was tired and fell asleep quickly. I, on the other hand, had slept two hours on the train and wasnt tired. I felt restless. Since I forgot the bag with my ipad AND all the books and magazines that I had planned to read during the holidays, all I had left was my iphone. Started reading the news, then facebook and then I connected to the wifi in the house, just to have a tiny little peek at one erotic stories site, and then a streaming porn site, just to see if there was "anything new". Of course it was. Ended up edging half the night, before falling asleep horny as hell.

The next day I hopped on the bus to my parents town two hours away. Was fantasizing all the way, and arrived home with a heavy brain fog. Wasnt as happy as I should´ve been to see my parents, my sister or my grandmother. Continued edging on my iphone that night. Christmas eve was up next and I started it of by reading erotic stories in the morning before MO in the shower. Pathetic. Was numb all day and night. Day after that I changed room to sleep in, to my parents "office room". With a computer with highspeed broadband. After everyone else in the house had went to bed i turned on the computer and binged for four hours and PMO three times. I was a wreck the next morning. Couldnt even bring myself to start reading a book I got for christmas, had no interest in listening to a new record either.

I was struggling in my mind to get back on track but I was so weak. Took the bus back to my girlfriend for new year. Still fantasizing heavy and sneeking away from her and her family to check sites on my iphone. Had zero interest in being physical with her. New years eve was up next and I went for a long, long walk. It was blistering cold and snowing. I was struggling again, and asking myself all kinds of questions. Do I really wanna keep on doing this? Arent there better and more important things for me to do in this life? Am I man enough to really carry through with the rebooting/rewiring? Is this fantasy life really me? At last I managed to temporarily "win" over the part of my brain that kept on craving stimulation.

I lay down in some freshly fallen snow and looked up to the sky. It was so quiet. No people, no cars. Just me and my brain. "NO MORE" was the only words I heard within myself. Since then I havent looked at any porn, havent let a single fantasy slip through and have also secured my iphone to prevent relapses it may cause. So here I stand, still struggling, six days clean again.

This site is perhaps one of the most important ones I´ll ever visited, or will visit. Thanks for all your sharing and all your support.

good job on taking action on

good job on taking action on a weakness (iphone). this is a tough beast to control and you can't let your guard down. as you progress, don't test yourself, just keep away from PMO, period, end of story. the brain fog and haze is quite brutal and really does inhibit the rest of your left. keep that in mind if you ever get a craving, that the haze comes and it hangs around for awhile.

stay strong!

For me, reading this

For me, reading this reinforces the knowledge that completely eliminating porn is neccesary, not just abstinence from masturbation. I enjoyed you referring to your addiction as "the dark passenger in your soul" in your other post. Very fitting. Kick that little bastard out >>:[

Thanks for your story. If

Thanks for your story. If I've learned one thing, it's that you can NEVER think that all is well. Different environmens and situations can suddenly awake the cravings out of nowhere. It feels so unfair at times. Keep it up!

Maybe "never" is an exaggeration

Many brains do truly unwire *some* cues. Of course, the ones formed in early years are probably tougher, simply because of the neural pruning that goes on.

We're about to put up a post about this "cue" (or sensitization) problem. In the process of collecting quotations from you guys I've been inspired to read that some people really *do* notice the cues fade.

I think patience and cautious optimism are both needed.

10 Days

Just checking in. Havent looked or fantasized this year. 10 days clean today. I have reached this far many, many times so its no big deal. But I´m starting to feel the changes in my brain again. Happier, more focused. Two days ago I had sex with my girlfriend twice. Still a little ED (have never been a huge problem, but I have had some problems staying hard and cumming prematurely). I did feel some brain fog later that day, but I stayed aware of the chaser.

I´ll try to post updates on my recovery more frequently from now on. And tell you a little more about myself and my thoughts about this addiction.

Cravings knocking att the door, minor slipup

So today they popped up outta nowhere when I got home from work. I was prepared for some cravings to arrive but found it hard as hell to not think about porn. I made some dinner and sat down in front of the computer to watch a tv-series that I follow. After one episode I started surfing the web, eventually ended up at some discussion board. Some had started a thread called "Worlds greatest asses" and posted a couple of pics of Kim Kardashian and such. Couldnt help looking a tiny, tiny little. That was it. I bypassed K9:s filter and was able to peek at some porn for ten minutes before I realised what I was doing. Was able to break the spell and stop watching. Wasnt M:ing and didnt O, but had a little P. I will not count this as a full relapse and reset my count. It was a slipup and I was able to stop it. Something that I´ve rarely have done before. Actually I was disgusted by the porn. So what now? 5 minutes ago I put an even harder protection on the K9, with a lot of new keywords to block. Hopefully now it will be almost impossible to get into any sex/porn sites. It doesnt matter if it cripples my computer in other ways actually, i should only be using it to write and to make music.

Stay strong out there my fellow fighters. We will make this happen!

Nothing to worry about here,

Nothing to worry about here, just keep going.

Even without MO, there are two ways you can view P. Just viewing but not feeling much (or even being disgusted by it) and of course there's the variation where you feel this huge excitement and horniness... which is the dopamine-version which I think it the worst of the two... though you want to avoid both of course.