I´m new here but I´ve been reading on different forums for the last two years, since I decided to quit porn. I have to warn you that my english is not perfect, since it´s not my native language;)
I guess I have the same story as hundreds of you people. Began reading porn mags with my friends at age 12-13, then started buying videos a couple of months later. Had a tv on my room and used to stay up at night watching porn on cable. My parents knew nothing. At the same time my fantasies about girls started drifting away from romantic to sexual encounters. When I was 15-16 the Internet explosion happened and we all know what that meant. First we just had the dialup and my parents monitored my use since it was expensive. Still managed to download hundreds of pictures that I kept on floppy discs. And there we go, broadband, P2P, Torrents, streaming etc etc. At the age of 18 I met a girl and lost my virginity. For a while I think my porn problem was better, but soon I stayed up at night watching porn again, even though I had a sweet girl waiting in our bedroom. She never found out (I think) but our relationship ended a couple of years later because I stopped noticing her, stopped being grateful, became jealous, needy and just wasnt the same guy anymore. I was single for about two years and had a lot of short relationships and one nighters. Then I met the love of my life and I´ve been with her ever since. The porn has been with me all these years also. I´ve managed to keep it a secret even though she almost busted me a couple of times. My girlfriend hates porn.
Two years ago I stopped drinking and smoking and decided to quit porn aswell. First two were no problem at all actually, but the third was a big NO. I managed to keep up for 26 days at one time, and around 15-20 days at other times. Often I relapse within a week. You know the drill with this wheel of heaven and hell. Many times I felt SO SURE that I would never watch again, just to lose control and relapse again a couple of days later. It´s sick!
Enough for now, this time I have the tools for success, I can feel it in my soul. I have downloaded a lot of books and research papers into my ipad and the more I read about porn addiction, the more determined I become to put this stupid, strange, warped, misogynous, rascist crap behind me. I´m gonna kill this dark passenger in my soul.
I recently got my dream job, related to what I´ve been studying for the last five years. Good company and good salary. I should be the happiest man alive right now but I´m not. Even thought about quitting already, even though I know this is what I´m supposed to work as. Me and my girlfriend almost broke up earlier this year but decided give it a last chance. She said that I wasn’t as “manly” as I used to be a couple of years ago, that I was too depressed and whining. She´s right, obviously, but she doesn’t know the reason.
The last months I relapsed around day 10 every time, but I´ve felt a little more secure and a lot more manly between the relapses. But when I relapse, what I rebuilt breaks into some depressed state of mind where I´m bitter, paranoid (think the worst things possible will happen to me), slowthinking, have no creativity (and THAT is something I really need and usually have) and every other negative feeling you can think of.
I decided to quit for real (again) when I finally (after three interviews) were offered this job. That was three weeks ago. I managed to hold up for eleven days. Then I relapsed just two nights before my first day at work. Unfortunately, I went on from there and binged every night for five days. I worked my ass off at the office, then home and did the other “work”. Last friday I sobered up again and took some drastic measures to keep myself clean. And I mean REALLY drastic. This is quite funny! I reinstalled K9, chosed a random password I don’t remember, linked it to a new email account I created with a random password I don’t remember. Then I logged on to my wireless router, where I put on porn filter and choosed to block certain websites and keyword (every pornsite I used to visit and every damn hardcore porn word I know). Then I changed the password for the router settings to another random password that I don’t remember. The last thing I did was the craziest. I actually superglued the little resetting hole on the back on the router, so I wont be able to reset it to factory settings. So I guess it´s pretty much impossible for me to view porn at home if I dont reinstall the whole system and buy a new router. It gives me some peace of mind when I know it´s meaningless to even try to browse for porn.
I´m gonna fix this, I´m sure I can beat this addiction forever. Today I´m one week totally clean again.
Wish me luck. I´ll try to post here as often as I can, and tell you about my progress.
I have a feeling I´ll need some support to really make it this time. The resources here on Reuniting and YBOP are truly a blessing.
Your new friend,