I'm not exactly sure how to pose this. I seem to have clicked back toward the mode I was in when I abstained for four plus months. That's good because it's been not so great in the between state. I can tell from the nature of my dreams and how they can incorporate a karezza-esque experience combined with how I'm doing during the day and relating to others. It's not perfect, but a tad better. Karezza fantasy sounds almost nuts, but others have noticed dream-based karezza fantasy so I'm not alone. I don't consciously induce this though I've considered trying that while fully awake (I might drift quickly as it's rather relaxing).
Something strange happened that has not happened before. Despite the sense of connection in as broad a sense as one can imagine, I felt a disconnect. I tried to dig at this during lucid portions of the dreaming. All I could ascertain is that this disconnect was in me due to my perception of this other's actions or something else. She didn't appear to sense it. That relates to my conscious mindset as I try to challenge sticking points between others and me. The disconnect didn't seem real, but rather like an obstacle blocking me from something. I couldn't tell what that something was. Perhaps I sought a more complete connection to the other or even myself. It seemed dualistic to have a simultaneously complete and incomplete connection. I suspect I stumbled upon this because there was some element of checking in for mutual presence and the disconnect somehow connects to the lack of presence even though we were both there. I can consciously connect it to something akin to a slight time warp or quantum mechanical type oddities. Maybe this connects to the human condition of arguably never experiencing anything in the same way or even time as another.
Can anyone actually practicing karezza relate to this? It could have some unrelated meaning as it seems to be in part about the validity of my own self-limitations and that holding me back. Though traditionally, sexual fantasy is considered ego driven and thus not the same as dreams, karezza fantasy doesn't seem that way and can be insightful. Does any other guys go through this? I've mostly heard from women.