Day 91, riding the bumpy road.

Submitted by Somedaysomeday on
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Oh yeah, reboot is a bumpy road. We're counting day 91, and my mood and vibe have lowered a little this week. Two weeks ago I was more energized, eager, better with words, perhaps more social. But hey, since your mood and drive are never fixed at one level, one can only work with the amount of motivation at hand, right? I try to acknowledge that to help me stick with the reboot.

I think the fact that I'm approaching my finals is screwing with my drive currently. Studying = sitting behind a desk for almost 12 hrs a day, usually alone and isolated from the real social world, while the mind wanders and gets behold of early porn themes, and with my hand reflexively in my pants, 'just hanging around' out there... Studying just seems this trigger to PMO for me, and as shown earlier, for relapse. Now that I'm spending more time behind the books, I'm feeling this slight anxiety. Stress for getting the work done in time, and some more stress for risking a relapse.

This reflects on my mood, as I'm feeling some conflict again, experiencing some flashbacks from porn and having more cravings to masturbate. I looked up some porn related images on google, clicked them away after 10 seconds... just for 'checking'. It's sad how fast this 'old pathway' that was becoming so much more absent, is triggered back so fast. Simply by unconsciously moving in those pants, and smelling those 'sex/masturbation scents' - I hate to make it sound so dirty -, the craving is set in motion. As a matter of fact, smell is a strong sexual trigger.

It's a little odd right now, after a so far sublime journey of 3 months without masturbating to porn (2 fairly healthy masturbations so far)
These feelings are probably proof that I'm still not there yet, and that I have to keep my guard up now. Right now it feels like I still have to go through this big challenge, the hardest part, as this one month 'desk-sitting' is really something I have to cut through. That's why I'm getting anxious about it I guess, I really don't want to ruin it now, but that implicates that I have to be very very careful, as this is really challenging for me.

But by taking it up as this challenge, I'm feeling dedicated to take responsibility, and prove to myself that I can pull through.

First, I definitely need to unlearn this masturbation habit that's interfering with my study and puling me off track. (been doing this compulsively during study for 6 years) I'm experimenting with different environments and some mindfullness techniques, yet have to make it more effective. Not so eager to try out that athletic cup thing, not sure that it will stop me 100%.

I hope for the best. (In the meantime still inadvertently getting in those pants, damn!)

Wish me luck Smile

All the best to you all.

Someday

Comments

Athletic cup

I don't think wearing a cup for more than 90-120 minutes is very good for circulation. You could end up with meralgia paresthetica and have a lot more trouble on your hands than a rowdy penis. Remember also that our ancestors did not have porn, and they used scent in many powerful ways. Harness this power! And great job making it past 90 days - that's my personal goal without any P, M, or O, before I begin to MO to sensation only. Stay on track and you'll fill in those old pathways sooner or later.

Why not study

in a place where you can't stick your hand in your pants when you can? Might also let you smile at someone else now and then. Contact is soothing.

Good luck with your studies.

Congrats on 90 days!

I wish you all the best in your studies and your reboot. I'm right behind you now at day 82 and also hoping to effect a permanent change in my sexual habits, especially around porn, but also, I think, around masturbation and Karezza as well. It's not an easy path, but I suspect it's easier than remaining on the endless 'passion cycle' that has kept me unhappy and unbalanced for most of my life!

Best of luck. Be well.

Thanks for your reactions!

Yes I think I'm going to study in the local library here most of the time, although overfilled with students now. This week around xmas and newyear I have to spend my study time at home though, so must be extra careful and overpower this habit. I figure if I can consequently stick with no touching-masturbation during study for this one week, I must be able to break the habit permanently.
Haha, learned about meralgia paresthetica in class this week! Indeed, definitely not a good idea to wear one of those cups for this long.

Congratulations with the 82 days, Losingenergy! I'm curious to hear about your changes. Have you tried a fantasy-free masturbation yet?

Voilà, rounding up my breakfast now, eager to push through lots of study work today. Getting things done as planned really gives you this confidence boost, which I can use right now. Than heading off to the gym this afternoon, revising my exercise program with a lovely girl from the club. :) The social contact makes you remember why you're going through this tricky reboot. :)

Stay strong you all!

Can't say that I've tried

Can't say that I've tried fantasy-free M at this point. I have still been in a kind of flatline that has been kind of welcome relief from the past cycle. Not exactly sure how or when I will make that leap. I've gone through a few short cycles of strong urges but, understanding the brain chemistry and the passion cycle, as Marnia and Gary refer to it, has helped me to step back from jumping back into the same chemical rapids! Trying to build up karezza and exercise in the mean time.

Again, best of luck with your studies.

Be well.