I was going to rant a bit about online dating but that’s not going to be productive. I’ve got a bit of a pattern that exists both in real life and in the online dating world. I can generate enough interest to get interaction going, but the only time anything progresses overall seems to be when the woman initiates. Even in real life, it could be that I’ll say something a woman latches onto and then that can lead to interesting discussions. I've crafted my online profile for that to happen and it has, but I wouldn't yet call that a great success. This happens in non-romantic (as in she has a husband, long-term partner, etc.) interactions too. This has been a general issue with my friendships in the sense that my friends have selected me and I’ve reciprocated. Aside from dating I’m also looking for friends that I pick as a way to break out of this mold. It’s rare that I feel enough connection and though there are some people I’ve tried with, it hasn’t worked so well for various reasons. Though I don’t have endless options, there are enough people that I don’t follow up with for whatever reasons. It’s pretty common that people will tell me we should talk more, be friends, give me their email, etc. It seems people feel more connection to me than I do to them. For example, I’ve been to past friends weddings and participated in various ways though I’m not sure I’d invite them to mine. This pattern also plays out in school, jobs, etc. in the sense that I’m not too willing to be the selector. That leaves me with options I don’t want. It was easy to end up with so-called good options picking me, but much harder for me to find my good options. It’s as if I don’t want anything I’m seeing. However, that seems sub-human in some way. Something might be haywire.
I’m not sure what to make of this or where this all came from. It could connect somehow to may past and some blockage. Maybe I don’t feel I have anything to prove? Or don’t need the connections that I need? Or for some reason want to avoid everyone? It could reflect that I’m not interested in many people, but that I’ll engage if someone engages me out of a courtesy and curiosity. In my much younger days, I had many school friends, though I think my wanting to be out of the house and have somewhere to go on weekends motivated this more than the desire to connect. I’ve lost touch with all of them. I’ve had significantly less school friends since about age 14. At this point, I have only one long-term friend who I interact with regularly. Luckily, he’s good about reaching out to me and we’ve built a pattern that can keep things going.
To make things even worse, in some ways the people I’ve felt some connection to and tried to connect with seem to be unavailable for whatever reason. That makes me wonder about some unknown desire not to actually solidify a connection. Could my openness somehow be a protective mask?
A woman that was very interested in me, but who I wasn’t interested in thought that I know me worth and thus am willing to be exclusive with who I share that with. That ties a bit into the nothing to prove angle. I’m definitely looking for a woman that wants me, but at the same time I want to want her. Perhaps I’m appreciation driven and need appreciative people and environments. That’s not that easy to find these days.
Where can I start digging? What could I try with humans to test various aspects of this? What aspects do I need to probe? I sense many of my issues are tied up at the same point.