♥ - Is a cuddle buddy a realistic possibilty?

Submitted by freedom on
Printer-friendly version

This has come up here indirectly and in some of my own dialogue with people elsewhere. How realistic is it really for two people to be cuddle buddies and it not eventually break down into sex? Personally, I could commit to limited touching with the only exception being that I'd want dialogue channels to be open so that if my mind wanders it could be discussed. This probably can't work if people can't relax into themselves as that tension will likely lead to sex. I guess I'm wandering if we could put structure to this possibility so that it would be easier to filter potential people in or out. One plausible paring is with partners committed to be celibate for a period. Others could incorporate the relationship boundaries as their own, though I question how many can do that.

Who's done this successfully? What do you suggest to people who want to try this? I'm not necessarily limiting this possibility to be people with whom I'm beginning a relationship. I might even consider people with whom I would not want to form a relationship. I gather this can get emotionally complicated.

Massage therapists

have to learn these kinds of boundaries and do so successfully all the time.

It's possible. Just unfamiliar. You have to stay in a generous mindset, but that gets easy with practice.

If one searches on this

If one searches on this topic, the consensus is it isn't possible but occasionally one finds someone who says it works. Is this likely a reflection of the same orgasm goal seeking mindset we're confronting here. I agree one has to stay on the abundant giving side of the seesaw.

Massage seems different to me somehow. Maybe I'm just more familiar with massage. There isn't the same intimacy. Of course, this might depend on how far one pushes this in terms of skin-to-skin and emotional intimacy.

Of course!

Of course it's possible! I've had cuddle buddies and I know lots of people who have or have had them. In fact, as I type this I'm also chatting online with a friend, scheduling a cuddling date. It's funny, the people I've got in mind as my beginning cuddle buddies are former lovers - the fattest, hairiest, most bear-like former lovers I have. I'm sexually attracted to lean, less hairy men, but when I'm looking for cuddling the bears seem so much more attractive! What I've been asking them is "do you want to watch a movie and cuddle?" I'm going for clothes-on, distraction of a movie to watch, casual hang out. I'm thinking I'll start out with these guys who I already have an intimate connection with. Then once I am more accustomed to it maybe I'll be able to start from scratch with other people. An old lover had already told me he wanted to come to town to visit in late January, before I found this site. At the time I assumed I'd be having sex with him when he is here. Now, I'm going to tell him cuddling and mellow making out only. I hope he'll still want to visit, I think he will. We'll see. I'm thinking that keeping it nonsexual feeling is pretty analogous to having sex without having orgasms, the same kind of letting go of tension-building.

Bumpiness in the road seems

Bumpiness in the road seems more likely as the cuddling gets more sexual. I'm guessing an extreme end would be somewhere near naked cuddling and emotional intimacy. Although, many people's insecurities might come up much sooner.

Eye gazing can be more intimate than a movie and cuddle. Many people seem to think cuddling is more intimate than sex. It's very individualized.

What is running through your mind when you decide to initiate/accept a cuddle date? How would you suggest men go about this?

What's running through my mind?

I've noticed in the last couple weeks that I am much more aware of my need for touch. It feels like being horny, but a different flavor. I have a friend who used to have a lot of hook up sex. He went to massage school and his sexual desire completely fell away. Amazing how easy it is to confuse desire for sex with need for touch! So in the same way that I used to approach getting myself laid, I have been pursuing getting myself touched. I used to aim to have sex about every two weeks. It seems like I need cuddling more like twice a week. Like any activity I do with a friend, I just call up someone else who might be interested and ask them.

cuddling is remarkably satiating to the sex drive for me

I find it is amazing. I used to feel this would be more frustrating (blue balls and all that) but actually cuddling, hugging and other such things with no genital stimulation or intent to arouse is remarkably satiating to my sex drive. I still want to do PIV but it is very satisfying. This is not at ALL what I would have thought or experienced.

Just as a sidenote: I remember a This American Life episode with a young boy who was a terror to his family. His mom held him down for 20 minutes a day and cuddled with him. And he got better within a week or two. Astounding what the power of touch is. I think old people wouldn't be in nursing homes or decaying at home if they had daily skin to skin contact.

yes

And more mature men seem pretty aware of this.

I love the This American Life story. This is part of why I want to get comfortable with cuddle buddies. I am starting out with previous lovers, so clearly for me there is a sexual connotation still. But I hope that these are my first steps toward getting more and more comfortable with giving and receiving touch with all types of people. I was already planning on massage school this spring, that will be a huge part of this change in me as well. I will become a professional toucher!

trouble with cuddle buddies

is that men generally expect to "get something" IMHO and it would be very difficult to convince them that there is going to be nothing happening. It would be for me. Perhaps I could get over that but it would have been my MO before.

but

Two things.

1. Part of living in society is not acting on all of our sexual urges. I think we all have a LOT of training in this area to draw from.

2. The specific men I've asked are previous lovers who have always respected my boundaries in the past. I've had conversations with both of them about the fact that I have given up orgasmic sex. They know what to expect.

This seems to be part of the

This seems to be part of the breakdown. If one starts with strong boundaries and keep communication open, I don't see what the problem is. There's nothing wrong with reminding each other of the agreement and ending if one person isn't able to keep going at that moment. This communication lack is as present with sex as it is with touch. Balancing doing without asking and maintaining respect for boundaries is tricky.

I just started with this.

I just started with this. I've had two cuddlesessions that also involved the girl sleeping over. As she's pretty young (me 30 she 20) there's little pressure for sex so that's a plus. Furthermore I told her that I wasn't into a relationship so if she was ok with that, we would have cuddlesessions. She replied that it was ok, joking that she could always steal my heart later. So far it hasn't gotten to sex and I think that it will be all up to me to initiate sex (because I'm so much older than her). We have kissed though.

Needs to be said that I have experience with non-relationship contact with women, even with sex involved. It is a certain mindset that you can develop. So in this respect a cuddlebunny is something you can adjust your mind to.

Regarding the boundaries: you make them. Tell her what you want and what you don't. It's not really hard to work out as long as you have a relaxed attitude in this.

Personally I think intense cuddling in bed rivals with sex in how awesome it is. It's a bit hard to compare both though, it's like comparing a dopamine-high vs. an oxytocin-high Wink

Glad to be of service

Glad to be of service emerson. Do note that the way things currently are going didn't come out of nothing. It has taken me almost half a year to get to this point. Going to dancing classes, meeting new people (mostly women), having fun with them, hanging out with them, etc. It's a proces that takes time and effort, but it's well worth it. Not only do social contact and female contact in particular help with the cravings, it also is just so much fun.

I do like to try Karezza at some point, but with the right lady... and I seem to have some issues in my head that make it near impossible to find a women that is fit for me...

Still got a long way to go.