Damn?? day 97

Submitted by Somedaysomeday on
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Things didn't go as planned today: I masturbated twice.
As I mentioned earlier, I get easily triggered when I'm studying. I always used masturbation as some sort of relaxation, a reaction to the stressful, lonesome time during final exams. So I get loaded up sexually now...
Important to mention, I didn't use porn. I wanted to stop during the first 'session', but orgasm hit me really fast. Didn't really use fantasy, just the touch gets me aroused a lot already.
I could live with it if it was just this one, although my plan was to abstain another 23 days. But then the second urge hit me, pure chaser...

This is me seeking comfort in an old habit. A habit that's dangerous because it can lead to porn viewing, and one I am determined to break.
But easier said than done apparently. Somehow I permitted myself these two, so I could easily focus again after, hmmm...
Perhaps I have to use that urge surfing technique more, as I've used it with success already.

Damn damn! really got to watch out. Next week moving to the library (have to stay home this week)

The fact that I don't know if I have to consider this a relapse or not is creating inner conflict now. "Hey, I didn't use the porn!" Yes... but I realize that during these cravings the step to porn is an easy one, as it's very hard to think rationally.

So coping with all urges from now on!
Wish me luck.

Comments

Now what's the goal here, really?

I've never been a porn user and I haven't read up on reboot. But if the goal is to detach your sexuality from porn and you've had an orgasm that resulted exclusively from physical sensation, haven't you pretty much made the change you were looking for? Isn't this really a huge success?

Thanks for your response.

Allright, you have a point. But although I didn't explicitly act on a porn fantasy, I do have to hold them off consciously during masturbation, as I linked these thoughts to masturbation and orgasm. It's like these fantasies are leering around the corner, ready to get picked up.

My goal was to abstain further from all PMO. As most poeple here experience, cutting back from M for some time uplifts my overall mode and makes me more social, fun and interacting with everyone incl. girls. I used to be quite insecure around girls. It's like this abstinence is very welcome, so I can be more confident around girls.

It sounds indeed pretty natural in the sense you say it. And I'm proud of what I've reached so far in my reboot.
But my gut tells me this is not a secure case. :s I somehow feel this can escalate. Same happened exactly one year ago, when it all started. And am a little disappointed how easy I gave in to the chaser effect.

So I think cutting back again on M is the way to go for me. And you're right borshajen, I could probably use some sexy intercourse right now! :)

goal vs tactic

I don't want to beleaguer the point, but I think this is an important distinction. I kind of disagree that your "goal" is abstention. It seems to me like your goal is a healthy sexuality and abstention is the tactic you've decided to use to achieve your goal. Sometimes people achieve their goals without sticking precisely to the program they planned to use to get there. I mean, if someone wants to lose 10 pounds and they lose 10 pounds, does it really matter if they didn't follow their diet and exercise plan to the letter?

I do hear what you are saying about fantasies lurking around the corner, though.

I have to agree. Abstinence

I have to agree. Abstinence is indeed the tactic. My goal is to 'unwire' this porn association from my sexuality, obtain a healthy sexuality like you say. I didn't express myself clearly when I said the goal was abstinence. I consider it a step or a 'sub goal' if you want.

I do think goals have to be specific though. And in working towards this big, somewhat more vague goal of healthy sexuality, it's important to have specific steps, like total abstinence for x days.

I appreciate your response because it helps me remind of my eventual goal right now. Although it helps in tracking the progress, being too focused on counting the days and going for a flawless reboot, thereby ignoring the big picture, isn't a good thing. And falling back in this old M routine isn't either...

Btw, I'm so grateful for

Btw, I'm so grateful for this blog. Just writing about your experiences eases the frustration, and occasionally gives you new insights.

I can imagine myself getting all insecure and anxious about it and risking relapse if I weren't able to use a forum like this.

So thanks again everyone!

Eventually,

you have to make friends with orgasm again anyway, so no big deal. It's a good chance to watch the ripples over the coming days. That can help you gauge your progress.

Good luck with your studies. It's very challenging to be at home with nothing but studies before you. Maybe make it a point to watch a funny video at regular intervals, so your brain gets some entertainment. Do it somewhere besides YOUTUbe. Wink

Let us know how you get on. And no "edging." It will only make things worse. The chaser will pass in a few days.

*big hug*

Big thanks for your comments

Big thanks for your comments and tips Marnia.
I will look out for chaser, so far so good. But I'm sure I will be tempted again somehow tomorrow. My chance to break the routine...

Yes, entertainment and a little exercise are key for me during studying. I'm thankful for a great sitcom like Arrested Development, absolutely hilarious (tip!:))

All the best

Haha.

Thanks. I'm in the need for a new series now since I finished arrested development for the third time. Think I'm gonna check this out!

cheers