Did some shameful things as a kid that are haunting me now... How do I cope?

Submitted by healing1 on
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So I am on the road to recovery from past porn / sex addictions, and I have a couple childhood memories that are recently haunting me. As a kid you experiment with your sexuality, but these two really bother me. Here they are:

1. I remember spying on my sister as a kid when she was getting in the shower. I peeked underneath a crack in the door, and could see in the reflection from the floor. I couldn't see much, but do remember seeing some glimpses of her boobs, which excited me. I did this a few times.

2. I remember letting the family dog lick my balls while I masturbated. Again, did this a few times.

So now it's probably 10 years later. I haven't lived at home with my family for 6 years, but right now these memories have come back in full force. It's probably because my sister is in town for the holidays, and my parent's are getting a new dog right now. I feel it's really bothering me and affecting my self esteem.

My question is, how do I let go so these memories don't bother me? Is this normal? Has anyone else done creepy things that they regret? Maybe just venting them on here will help. My main worry is that I have a date today, and I don't want these negative thoughts bringing me down and ruining the mood with this new girl. Thanks!

It's part of the

It's part of the exploration. I also remember getting turned on by a niece who was sleeping over. Did quite a lot of pretty weird stuff... I've humped pretty much every object you can find in a house :) Everyone does something different.

I would say that you are a

I would say that you are a totally normal, curious kid. Instead of resiting the thoughts and memories from those times, look at them with compassion, accept them and realize it was no big deal. Remember, you are human and no different than the rest of us- we have all done stuff like that.

Woody

You call that creepy?

1. When I was about 8 or so, my (two years older) sister and I decided to play mom and dad. We had seen a movie with sex scenes, so we got semi-naked and started fooling around. I don't remember if I was capable of having an erection but we at least simulated the act. Then my cousin showed up at the door unexpectedly. As soon as we heard the door opening we both jumped on our belly and smiled broadly. Even to this day I have no idea whether my cousin saw anything or not. I think both my sis and I are still ashamed about those days but what can you do, we were too young to know any better and curious about our developing bodies.

2. I spied on my grandma taking a bath also around that age.

3. Later, when I discovered masturbation, I probably fantasized about every single female relative I have.

4. I sometimes have the impression that at some point in my early years (but I'm not sure it actually happened) I tried to fuck a duck (gotta love growing up in the countryside).

I have many more embarrassing memories but I just consider them part of growing up.

Feeling better now?

Don't worry!

We all experiment as kids. Like my predecessors have said: It's in the past and you can't change anything about it- What matters is how you think and act right now! Keep your head up!

P.S: Really had to laugh when I saw the link to the Lassie video. Great sense of humor :)

Everyone probably had that

I massaged my moms feet and ejaculated while rubbing her feet on my penis. I have also fantasized about female cousins and being a nurturer/ serving them sexually. It happens and happened when I was young. I feel a lot normal now that I know a lot of people had weird fantasies. Now u want to be aroused by the act of regular sexual intercourse as opposed to all these fantasies. That's where we all need to be growing towards!

The key to cope with these

The key to cope with these memories is to see them as something completely fine and normal.

You didn't do anything wrong or weird, but your mind think it did, and that's why it's bothering you.

Just accept those memories as something completely fine. Don't try to reject them or push them away. They're fine, they really are.

I recall a schoolmate telling

I recall a schoolmate telling me how some neighborhood kids put he and his sister up to having sex when both of them were perhaps 5 - 7 years old. I don't think that they consummated the deal (thankfully) but, the point is, kids do dumb things.

I was exceptionally curious as a child; that's what led me to porn. The problem is this, porn is an unnatural stimulant. Seeing a nude human in person doesn't have the same effect on many people. The first time I saw a vulva it was a neighbor girl, basically flirting with her cousin. I just got a free shot of the action. I had a hard on all day because of the forbidden fruit aspect of it all. At times of despair I have gone to strip clubs and spoken to completely nude strangers without any sense of arousal. I found myself interested in them as a person, not them as a mobile, dancing vagina container. I even tried lap dances a few times and found my main feeling to be affection. I wonder what these girls thought when I kissed their shoulders as they ground their hips into me.

One of the last times I went to a strip club I talked to a pretty young dancer while she showed me her goodies for the princely sum of $2. Had she slipped on a robe and sat next to me to talk I'd have given her more money. Seeing her nude was not a plus.

My point is simply this, juvenile sexual curiosity is only natural. In the days of big families and an agricultural economy seeing your sisters nude was probably common. They filled up the bathtub on Saturday night and everyone took their turn. Chances are that brothers, male cousins and friends shared observations about the mysteries of feminine anatomy among themselves but there were natural limiting factors. Boy tend to be protective of their sisters even if they sneak a peek out of curiosity.

To the best of my knowledge, children that go to nudist camps with their parents are not exceptionally prone to early sexual experimentation. Girls still pal around with other girls and boys . . .well they're still boys.

So put yourself into the present. Would you spy on your sister now? I doubt that you would. If you found yourself in an embarrassing situation, such as walking in when she wasn't . . . dressed for visitors I assume you would either leave or toss her a robe.

I think that your memory will be more troublesome if you look at nudity as equaling sex. It doesn't. A few years back I was at the doctor's office wearing just a robe. After the doctor left the (rather attractive) nurse and I were talking. We had known one another for years and I thought of her as a friend. I needed to get dressed but wanted to keep talking. I reasoned that I had nothing an RN hadn't seen plenty of times so I changed right in front of her without missing a beat in the conversation and with neither of us breaking eye contact. Neither of us thought a thing of it.

As far as the dog is concerned all I can say is that it wasn't sexual to the dog. The closest I've ever been to oral sex was a sneak attack by my dog that lasted 1/2 second. (He loved to sneak up on people and "kiss" them.) I had just come out of the shower and was naked with water dripping off of me. He licked me in a spot he found convenient and I brushed him away quickly and washed myself off. I've been trying to sell the movie rights ever since. :)

You can't change the past. Put it all out of your mind and move forward.