No no no

Submitted by Somedaysomeday on
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Relapse to porn on day 103. I can cry right now.
Feel terrible and disgusted. It's so strong in the moment, the limbic system making you choose for the short-term pleasure/crap.

I was so beating this, and I still can.
Why the heck did I want to check out porn, when I got so aroused about the thought of a beautiful girl just yesterday?

Aaaarghh, and now those chasers....

I want to go on like this never happened :(

Comments

Hey man Do you use a porn

Hey man

Do you use a porn blocker? I've now insured that every computer in my close environment either has K9 or a password that I don't know.

Just keep going! Within 2 days you'll already feel better.

Yeah I use openDS for that.

Yeah I use openDS for that. But I decided to use a regular password anyway. I know it's stupid and I hoped the work and time needed in order to change the settings would make me think more rational, but I put the blocker off once the craving was too high. Of course...

I just didn't find it practical when all nudity is blocked e.g. when my friends want to show me some hot model on a web page.

Isn't that strange... the

Isn't that strange... the longer your streak, the better you're doing, right? But when you relapse after a longer streak, it feels worse!

With 103 days you've made a terrific run, but this also shows two things: your brain isn't rewired yet and you may need to introduce an alternative to porn in your life, such as more contact with real women. You want to REwire your brain, not UNwire :)

Hey, nice insight man. It's

Hey, nice insight man. It's indeed about rewiring, finding replacement activities. During the reboot I could find my mood medicine in making music, sports and frequent social contact with friends. Now I'm studying alone for a month, the stress level just raises again. I probably spent too much time on music and going to the gym, so I have to do more studywork in less time now. Smile
This was quite predictable.

Trying to beat off any cravings right now. Don't want to say too much already but I feel more determined to beat them than usual.

Moving to the library thursday. And I'm gonna try to reintegrate a gym workout in my shedule. Hope it works.

You've

done a great job getting this far. There just comes a point when your brain demands the "rewards" it evolved to find...contact with your tribe and potential mates. As you say, it's tough to meet those demands when you're studying in isolation, so be gentle with yourself.

And try to adjust your priorities to leave a bit of time for connection.

*big hug*

Lol, yeah I'm great!

Lol, yeah I'm great! Wink

Update:
No urges today, or I put them off quite well. It helps that I have to hurry a bit with my study, so it's important to hold my focus tight. Also, I've been out of the house with friends in the afternoon and evening, so no slips...

I did a relaxing visualisation session after relapse last night which made me have a very inspiring dream. There was this old wise man, who's actually my favourite writer, explaining clearly and kindly what was happening to me. He knew about my goals in life and gave me advice how to act upon them. We were analysing my porn problem very rationally and came to the conclusion that my brain is acting on a random fetish.
He told me that it's not unpossible the get rid of this, and live a happy life. I need to break away from all things that attach me to this 'habit'.

I gained some really nice insights and tips from this which I'm writing down in my "Beating Porn Journal" right now.
Anyone else keeping large documentation where he saves all knowledge, tips, 'manuals' for how to cope with cravings etc? I have this 'PMO'-map on my computer that serves as my reboot notebook. Can't succeed without it... Smile

Good night!

Hey man! Awesome dream! For

Hey man!

Awesome dream! For me it's the fact that porn has taken away the fun of so many sexual encounters. But also the apathy & sexual anxiety that was caused by it.

I'm curious what you're goals are?

But I've send you a PM so you can respond there. If you want to offcourse :)

Erections were great. I'm in

Erections were great.
I'm in a very big low moodwise right now. I binged today.

How evertyhing can be ruined by one bad choice in this one second. I got back to gay porn. And damn! I hate to say this! Because the experience from my reboot and the disgusted and sobering feel after orgasm tell me that I'm not 'just' gay. It's all kinds of triggers (and I know exactly what triggers) that bring up the dopamine and adrenaline in my brain and make me do this. I kind of permitted myself to do it again and again. Where is my self-discipline? Back in my teens, everybody always praised me for my self-discipline in all kinds of work. Now after one slip I actually feel strong, and determined to never ever do it again, but ha quite foolish.
This is so interrupting my study, haven't done crap today.

I'm sorry to bring you this sad and negative news. My life was all about the positive just before these slips. I'm really sure reboot can work for me. It has too. This year turns out to be promising for me, as things are starting to work out with my band and since I've grown a lot as a person since I started my reboot in september. I don't want my mood to be messed up with the use of this stupid stupid porn, that I really don't need.

Hoping to get myself back on the right track!

btw, anyone have a real decent porn blocker? this openDNS still allows me to view porn pictures on google (while the websites from the images are blocked). And adjusting this in google is just too easy...

.

I'm so sorry mate. :( 100 days though, will have bought you benefits that will remain even after a binge.

Triple digits, fantastic!

You still have my admiration.

Thanks all, going to ty that

Thanks all, going to try that K9 blocker again. But how do you guys handle the password thing? If you throw it away your internet is blocked permanently for those themes.... So it's not possible to make adjustments later on, when the program for instance blocks safe material.

For the rest of this week, I'm going to turn on Freedom for a total internet block during study. The bug here is that the program resets when you restart your computer. But I'm going to put my laptop away in it's bag, if it can just help a little, right...

It's so absurd, I can laugh about it now. It's so not me. I survived a whole semester without any porn, and it was the best semester I've had in my 5 years in college. I had a strong focus on my future, and ohters complemented me about being ambitious and more relaxed. Aaah, I felt so good. Smile
Indeed it' just f***ed up neurochemistry. I'm studying for neurophysiology class right now, so interesting, the chapters about the limbic system makes me understand this addiction in depth even more.
But I guess knowledge and action are two different things Smile , however you do need both.

I've learned that I have to be more careful with masturbation, it does lead to escalation or relapse at some point, as stated enough on this forum.
I notice that my problem with the specific gay porn is exactly the same as escalation to transsexual porn. The disgust, the resentment, the triggers, the fetish, the hocd...

Now matter how many times I relapse, I will always retry to cut out porn forever, the benefits in all life areas are just too tremendous for me...

Good night to you all

I am a Keeper of Passwords

for several guys here. I'm happy to store yours too.

It's very cool that you're studying relevant material. Gary's struggling right now with redoing the sensitization (to cues) section of YBOP. Very complex, but fascinating.

Anyway, remember the content doesn't matter. Your brain probably still thinks of some of that anxiety as an arousal cue. [skepti] So the less attention paid, the better.

*big hug*