Porn Addiction -
So here's my story. I'm 21 year's old and a virgin. I started watching porn when I was about 13. I never really cared about looking at naked women or anything of that sort, but I feel like my brothers pressured me into viewing porn, because they would always say you must be gay because you never masturbate to porn. Therefore I felt as if I had a point to prove to them. When I first started masturbating I would masturbate occasionally every 3 to 4 days therefore it wasn't that big of a deal.
Social Anxiety -
Growing up I was always known, as the quiet shy kid who wouldn't answer to anyone at school. But I still managed to have and make friends outside of school. At this time I didn't know what SA (Social Anxiety Disorder) was. I was basically like this all the way up until the 6th grade. But things changed, my first day of 6th grade I was very outgoing and talkative I even met my best friend who I'll call J. Me and J hung out with each other everyday, up until the 10th grade. I honestly think that 10th grade was the year that it all started. That year J got expelled from school therefore I quit because the Social Axiety had started, therefore I couldn't eat lunch in the cafeteria, or even ask the teacher for help in class therefore I was failing.
Sexually Confused -
The first time I ever found myself being attracted to a guy, I was 15 and watching The Real World on MTV. For some odd reason I found myself, lusting after the guys feet which I think is very weird. After that I could always look at a guy, and know if he was attracted or not. Around this time I was still watching porn occasionally so everything was fine. The gay porn problem didn't start until February 2009 (by this time straight porn had started to bore me) when I was watching the Tyra Banks Show, and she had Aaron James & Kurt Wild as guest who claim to be Gay-4-Pay.
As soon as I watched that episode I remember being, so curious telling myself that these guys were lying because theres know way that you could have sex with another man and not be gay. So what I did was order some gay porn through the mail (risky I know) using my real name. When I first started to watch it I felt so disgusted, weird and guilty but I masturbated to it anyway. The same night after I finished masturbating I destroyed the gay porn that I had gotten through the mail. After that I was back to masturbating to straight porn.
About a week later my sister got her first laptop with internet (the worst day ever). For some reason my sister would always let me rule her laptop so I would be on it all the time listening to music, masturbating no more than three times a week, which is normal. March 2009 the Tyra Banks episode re-aired and it was pretty much all down hill from here. I regained interest in gay porn. I found the site with the scene of Aaron & Kurt.
I was just starting out with this whole online porn thing, so I didn't at the time know how to get the scene so what I did was masturbate to the pictures. So whenever I was horny I would crave gay porn, but as soon as I would climax I would feel absolutely nothing when I think of a man. About 3 months later I found out how to get all the new free porn from the top straight and gay porn sites.
Meanwhile this is where the addiction started. I would spend from 9 A.M. that morning to about 1 to 2 A.M. in the morning constantly downloading porn. But heres the thing wheather it be gay or straight porn as soon as I would reach climax. I would go to my downloads folder, and delete all of the porn that I had wasted the whole day downloading.
I know deep down in my heart, that I am straight it's just that I've got myself in to deep.
I still get butterflies in my stomach and find girls attractive all the time. The only time that I ever find a man attractive is when I'm watching porn or I am extremely horny and I sometimes find some guys on tv attractive. Whenever I go to school or go shopping (I'm go to Adult Ed I'll get to that) I never find guys attractive at all. I view guys in my everyday life as being friends with them and nothing else.
I quit school when I was in the 10th grade because my Social Anxiety was so bad.
I honestly don't know what went wrong, because I was fine in school up until my Grandmother passed, when I was in the 9th grade after that I think my social anxiety may have come back. My grades started to slip I put on tons of weight I started to tell myself that I wasn't attractive anymore. I personally think that I suffered from depression without knowing.
My Future -
I took the G.E.D test in September, I passed everything but math although I was a little dissapointed with my scores (Reading- 450, Writing-430, Science-430, Language Arts-450 & Math-350) that was 3 almost 4 months ago and I still haven't really been studying for the Math, because I have been to busy spending all of my study time on downloading porn and masturbating.
I really want to pass my G.E.D so bad the only assingment I need to pass right now is math. Give up this porn addiction, regain my confidence and be the outgoing person that I know I can be. All I want more than anything is friends, because I am sick and tired of sitting in the house alone watching my life go by. I am supposed to start therapy this month for my Social Anxiety Disorder. But I also plan on telling my therapist about my addiction to porn because it feels goods when you let out all of the bad feelings that you've been holding inside for so long.
I vow this day to be the start of my FUTURE.