Hello to everyone,
This morning I discovered I have an urge to share my story and to get some feedback from other members if possible.
For the beginning I have to say that I'm 27 with very small sexual experience. I suppose that's the reason why
I'm here. I realized that the Internet porn ruined my desire to date with real woman and express my sexuality.
Since the young childhood I have footfetish but with Internet porn it has evolved to much more extreme form
than just footfetish. All the porn I watched is dealing with foot fetish and lingerie/pantyhose/stockings.
I stopped looking porn and masturbating 19 days ago. After the first 4 days I'm starting to feel much more
energy, confidence...etc. Many of the things other abstainers are reporting. I think people started to look at me
another way. I felt "full of love". My desire for footfetish somehow disappeared. I felt like I need someone just to touch, hug...
There are no intense sexual desires. Just need for caring, love...
But, then around day 11 or 12 I'm starting to feel like
I'm burning, like I can go trough the wall. My erections are constant, everywhere I go. I'm putting my eyes down not see
any woman. I think everybody around me saw that something is happening and some of my friends asked me is everything
all right. I trained weights like I never did. I'm in euphoria the whole day.
And on the day 15 I had a wet dream. I woke up remembering it. I dream about my fetish but in some other form.
I felt like I need to take a shower "to wash myself" and decided to keep on. I was distressed But that day a lovely girl in the boots and pantyhose sat behind me in the bus chatting with her girlfriend. Hearing their voices, I felt like I will scream (just like now). I thought I'm gonna throw up. The only thing I was thinking at that moment is how to stand up so anybody can't see my arousal. Somehow I managed to take off the bus. The whole day after I thought about her. And the day after that. I couldn't get her off my mind.
And yesterday when I entered in the bus with a beautiful mature lady wearing boots and pantyhose, I think much harder than the previous girl. I think everyone could smell my arousal so I was not surprised (but glad at the same time) she get off the bus and entered the same bus on the other door. I went home, and could not stop fantasizing about her and her feet. I got to sleep but was burning. I said to myself : "if you could ejaculate without the touch of the hands go on with it". And I did it. Without hands. I was not disappointed of myself. I felt like if I didn't do it I'll go mad.
I slept four hours and got up. I didn't feel exhausted. I felt better without so much tension, but was thinking to do it another time with my hand. I didn't do it, I suppose I realized I need a "dopamine fix".
I still feel tensed. I feel like "I don't want to see anymore of woman like those previous two" cause in such state of mind I think they'll see as some lunatic as I approach them. I feel like I will enter a phase in which I'm capable of anything. From begging, to chasing them, to ask them to pay them. And I know how crazy it is. But at the same time I don't remember I felt like this for the real women. I'm starting to fantasize about real woman and a real possibility. That excites me and make me feel happy but at same time I'm feeling anxious will I ever succeed to really date women from my story and make my fantasies come true (which is at least strange to majority of woman), since any aggressive approach won't make the dream come true. So, at the same time I feel anxious and happy, if you can understand me.
I would like to feel like I was feeling few days after I stopped masturbating. Full of love, caring, sparkling eyes. I think that's the radiance girls/women notice as positive/attractive. I can't live with such tension that I better do not go out cause I'll see some girl and walk away frustrated.
Others said I look very attractive and had girls going after me from time to time but I would feel like a total weirdo if I told any of them about my fantasies.
Sorry, for such long letter, but I need to say it "loud". I would be very grateful if someone give some advice...