Scheduling encounters to increase harmony

Submitted by Karezza Korner on
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(emerson) My wife was deeply worried that I would be unhappy now that I quit masturbating and am looking solely to our sexual union to meet my needs. I, in turn, became very clingy and needy and altogether unpleasant. We had some conversations about it.

I said, "Let's try to have regular snuggly time, with or without intercourse, every day, before bedtime and upon waking." She said, "That seems too rules-based and mechanical." I said, "There is always a rule book whether we express it explicitly or not. Let's call it an arrangement. And since I am always ready, you are the one in control, really. Let's do this for 3 weeks and see what happens. Maybe you will begin to feel the way I do, or maybe not, but just give me 3 weeks."

She said, "Okay." So we started. The first morning wasn't great. I think the fact that I woke her up had something to do with it :D I promised not to wake her up again. But by the evening, she was very friendly and happy, I think, to snuggle. She invited me inside her and we had a great time. Without orgasm on my part of course, and without hers either. We carried on for a bit, until I sensed she wanted to move on.

Then she wanted to read, and was I think pleased to see that I was happy for her to do whatever pleases her. We both read for awhile, while we snuggled, and she fell asleep. After a bit I took her reading glasses off her face, gently laid her head down, and said, "goodnight." Altogether a fantastic day.

Since we've had this arrangement, I notice I wasn't clingy or demanding either yesterday nor will I be today. What a relief. This morning she invited me to bed and we snuggled for a bit. Then she said she wanted to get up and we did. I can feel a huge difference. Our arrangement has opened up space has for her. This is great, really great. I am not anxious anymore, and I think it has taken this turn of events to get to this point. I doubt we would have been ready for this last week but we are now. It's working out great.

(Darryl) Wise choice. I think that giving her the control over intercouse is a wise choice. This really gives her that space I was talking about. I also think its good to meet in the middle, and having her give you regular cuddle time is good as well. You are both stretching. This is what makes a marriage in my opinion.

(sood) Weve had a number of different 'pre arrangements', and I can attest to their usefulness. The best we've come up with so far is to take turns, on a weekly basis. For example, last week belonged to my wife. She decided the tempo of our intimate connection for those seven days. She determined, and initiated, whatever contact we enjoyed - over and above our normal day to day kisses and touches. This week has been my turn.

What this means in practice is we each have the chance to express what we would like, and cause it to come about, as well as learn to appreciate and enjoy what the other wants, when it's their turn. Most of the time we want much the same thing, but I've tended to want it more often than my wife. This sharing of the decision making has ensured more equilibrium. Nothing's ever plain sailing; but over the last few years I've been astonished how helpful bringing conscious consideration to our previously haphazard, largely unconscious 'scheduling' of desire - from recognition, through initiation, to fulfillment - has been.



Male neediness

I am the chaser in our relationship, my wife the runner. i have always needed to be touched and stroked although i did not want to be mothered by my wife. I guess that that this double message was difficult for us both.
Now that Karezza has brought us to a point where we are discussing these things more clearly, directly and openly i am hoping things will change for the better. Sex and love are confusing and as individuals there is no one size fits all solution. Keep experimenting keep communicating, pursue mutual happiness.

Maybe you could

find a cuddle routine, so you don't have to ask. And so you don't feel "mothered."

For example, unless life intervenes, Gary and I know we will do some snuggling when we wake up and before we fall asleep...even if only for a few moments. We generally do our lovemaking during the day.