♥ I did it!

Submitted by Clarity on
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It was very strange to feel like a novice. Usually I know what I'm doing in bed. (Or on the couch, as the case may be.) But I am really inexperienced at this whole thing. I said "it's an experiment, I don't know what I'm doing yet." I asked for his help. I said "I need you to work with me on this to keep us both calm and focused, not get frenzied or build tension." I am so glad I practiced in my fantasies. It helped a lot to know that it works better to breathe and focus than to tense up and fight against it. At one point I felt myself slipping away, it all happened so fast, I had to push him away and hold still and breathe and refocus. I said "you're right, it is going away somewhere else, not being here anymore." It was sweet and wonderful and so much better than boring old regular sex. I said "it's all my favorite things about sex anyway." He said "word." After a while, he asked "should we stop now?" It is strange to lose the reference point for the end. It was getting more and more difficult to not fall into the frenzy, and we stopped. He looked at me and said "Wow. This is a totally different cocktail of brain chemicals, huh?" "Yeah, it is." "There's more to this than just not having orgasms, isn't there?"

I feel sane and realistic. He seems like a person. Other people feel relevant. I am happy and content and savoring my memories, but not lost in a dreamworld. The most delightful discovery for me is that the possibility of honest communication has opened up. Every sexual relationship I've had has been founded on lies. There is the structure of my feelings and then an elaborate scaffolding and façade of what I express - the feelings I "should" have, the feelings that are appropriate, the feelings that won't scare him off. All of that has fallen away. My actual feelings match up with the feelings I always wished I would have. I can actually see him. That annoying veil isn't in the way, confusing things. I like him a lot, I enjoy his company, I'd like to get to know him better, I think we are well matched and that there is enormous potential between us. If it doesn't work out, that's ok. It'll hurt, but it won't be the end of the world, there are plenty of others out there. I don't feel any inner conflict or opposition between different parts of myself, holding intense feelings in contradiction of other intense feelings. Reality is so fractal, the feelings match the sex - wonderful and sweet, but gentle and calm.



welps, that sounds very very nice!

It's a wonderful feeling. You've made a lot of progress as I've just read by going back and reading your first post here which was only a few weeks ago.

I have to keep reminding myself from time to time that I've been doing things "the old way" for so long, and this is an altogether new way to do something that is core, so core. And it will take time. That's what is so exciting, there is so much ahead of us.

I have to say that I feel like a complete and total novice, like a teenager again. The balance of relaxation, tension, passion, just fooling around, cuddling...wow.


It is exciting. I was beginning to feel like a player and it scared me a little. Then I felt like I leveled in the game and that all my old skills were useless and I had no idea how to play this level! That was before I even figured out the no-orgasm bit. I really didn't know how to play this level. The initial conversation with him didn't go all that well, but it was easy to forgive myself because I am in completely new territory. You don't go to a foreign land and expect to speak the language fluently all at once. A few words here, a few words there, all in good time. Patience on all levels - to find him, to wait for the relationship to deepen, and the ultimate patience: the peak will never come. Patience, patience.

I think the challenge here

I think the challenge here is to avoid the (porn and culturally induced) expectation that there is a beginning, middle and end. Actually all expectations have to go. I am discovering more and more of them in the course of spending time with my wife this way. It's like blinders falling off, revealing more blinders that I never noticed, and these are removed and there's blinders under those LOL.


I've been getting a lot of bodywork recently and my therapist has located the homes of my numbness and my guardedness. He is releasing them on the physical plane and it correlates so nicely with the changes that are happening for me emotionally since I gave up orgasm. It took months of poking around other tight areas to find these spots, I guess I was only really open to releasing these old patterns once I had made this shift in my spiritual life. So, yeah, no beginning, middle, end. Blinders falling away. I'm totally with you on all that. Just an amazing journey and it's nice to share it with someone sweet.

*sigh of happiness*

Sounds like you picked a wonderful fellow explorer.

Yes, the increased *sanity* of sex is so refreshing. There's also a lighthearted playfulness and sense of "we're in this adventure together" that I love. Gary too, as best I can tell. Smile

It redefines "intimacy" away from a ritual...toward spontaneous togetherness.

Thank you both for sharing your experiences so honestly and articulately.