It was very strange to feel like a novice. Usually I know what I'm doing in bed. (Or on the couch, as the case may be.) But I am really inexperienced at this whole thing. I said "it's an experiment, I don't know what I'm doing yet." I asked for his help. I said "I need you to work with me on this to keep us both calm and focused, not get frenzied or build tension." I am so glad I practiced in my fantasies. It helped a lot to know that it works better to breathe and focus than to tense up and fight against it. At one point I felt myself slipping away, it all happened so fast, I had to push him away and hold still and breathe and refocus. I said "you're right, it is going away somewhere else, not being here anymore." It was sweet and wonderful and so much better than boring old regular sex. I said "it's all my favorite things about sex anyway." He said "word." After a while, he asked "should we stop now?" It is strange to lose the reference point for the end. It was getting more and more difficult to not fall into the frenzy, and we stopped. He looked at me and said "Wow. This is a totally different cocktail of brain chemicals, huh?" "Yeah, it is." "There's more to this than just not having orgasms, isn't there?"
I feel sane and realistic. He seems like a person. Other people feel relevant. I am happy and content and savoring my memories, but not lost in a dreamworld. The most delightful discovery for me is that the possibility of honest communication has opened up. Every sexual relationship I've had has been founded on lies. There is the structure of my feelings and then an elaborate scaffolding and façade of what I express - the feelings I "should" have, the feelings that are appropriate, the feelings that won't scare him off. All of that has fallen away. My actual feelings match up with the feelings I always wished I would have. I can actually see him. That annoying veil isn't in the way, confusing things. I like him a lot, I enjoy his company, I'd like to get to know him better, I think we are well matched and that there is enormous potential between us. If it doesn't work out, that's ok. It'll hurt, but it won't be the end of the world, there are plenty of others out there. I don't feel any inner conflict or opposition between different parts of myself, holding intense feelings in contradiction of other intense feelings. Reality is so fractal, the feelings match the sex - wonderful and sweet, but gentle and calm.