I have a pattern of handicapping myself. I’m trying to understand that more to figure out what is going on and what I might want to do about it. It comes up with regard to abstinence, but also in life generally. This is perhaps a deeper issue than discipline that I’ve blogged about before. There is a battle between disciplined parts that leaves me externally a mess. I can’t recall when it started, but it’s been a long-term pattern. Although subtle and not always easy to see the war, I’m often aware of it in one way or another. I don’t know what the purpose is. I also have a need for efficiency. These needs, though seeming to oppose each other, work together in favor of the handicapping part. I can handicap myself by inventing longer paths or by taking shortcuts that lead to misdirection, burnout, etc. I’ve become an efficient handicapper. I’m not able to overpower this inner part who can and will use every resource against me. I can’t think of much point to handicapping. Maybe this part of me is trying to push me in some other direction, determined to show I’m not worthy of my options, attention seeking, displaying a form of withdrawing, or trying to get some unidentified need met. Can anyone think of others?
I’m wondering if my blockage is trying to wrestle this part over to my side instead of surrendering to it and letting it run the show. In hindsight, some of the choices have made some sense. It’s not all negative so this part has reasons behind his tricks and likely knows more than I have both conscious and subconscious data access rights. My conscious mind doesn’t fully want to let this inner guy take over perhaps because it might not be much fun to strap myself to an inner madman and hold on for dear life. Also, I’m not sure how one can live guided by an unconscious one can’t fully access.
This seems like progress somehow despite being stuck in a long trail of quicksand.
I was going to include a little poem as one popped into my head. That’s about the only time I generate them. I’ve been meaning to actively write more in one form or another. Given the ever increasing power of search engines, I’m holding back. One day they will have thought recognition and be able to identify any brain given enough text made by a unique brain.