On the Billy Crystal phenomenon-comments?

Submitted by lmfao on
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When I was a kid in the 80s I read of a strange phenomenon in a couple self-help books. (To know of the writers, email me privately at l_mfao@yahoo.com.) They spoke of many men who only really care for women who are "just friends"; if the same men were your sexual partner (husband or boyfriend I suppose) or became one, they would treat you a lot worse. I don't believe good men are like this, but whatever. How common is this, and what causes it? Are these guys who are "playing the field," as I imagined? What about "true love?" Is it because of prolactin? I appreciate your comments.

Welcome!

Thanks for joining us.

Personally, I think this phenomenon is less related to men's characters, and more related to the human subconscious mating program...which seems to want us to engage in intense passion, commit for a brief time (possibly), and then move on. Have you seen this article? http://www.reuniting.info/science/coolidge_effect

The cocktail of passion neurochemistry does seem to be playing a role. It's certainly the case that friendships between men and women often are ruined when passion enters the equation. Gary and I surmise that this is because the "up" of orgasm is followed by the "down" of low dopamine/high prolactin. The sudden subconscious change in feelings then changes how lovers see each other.

Whatever the precise neurochemicals involved, it is certainly the case that partners often feel quite differently about each other during the days following a passionate encounter. Either they get addicted to the sex for a while and think they're madly in love, or they quickly notice an emotional distance. (Usually one feels abandoned and gets jealous or clingy, and one "needs space.") I call this the "separation virus" that infects intimate relationships. Very painful.

The saddest part is that it doesn't server either the "clinger" or the "space-needer," as close companionship is one of the best forms of health insurance around.

What experiences have you had with this? Maybe if you tell more of your story, the many men who visit this site will give you their perspective. One objective of this forum is to help men and women understand each other better, so they can forgive each other...and learn ways of prevention biology from driving them apart.

If you would like to start your own blog, please send me a private message (just click on my name).

Hi I would like to keep my

Hi I would like to keep my personal life private, but I havn't had that experience that often. I would like to hear from the men, however. It is just that....I would hear of some other people's experiences where they would get intimacy, support in hard times, etc from thier platonic friends (even of opposite sex) and not from their lovers (or less.) Isn't your relationship partner supposed to be more important? It appears people with emotional problems are especially prone to this, and those who had difficult relationships with their parents. Perhaps we are programmed to have temporary relationships but they should be better than if you were only friends, not worse, while they last. Otherwise what is the point. I would l like to hear from the guys yes thanks. :)

A man's response

Isn't your relationship partner supposed to be more important?

Ok, first, both relationships are important. But Marnia is right about it feeling different once you've had sex with orgasm with someone. That person whom sexual relations occured with seems different, like not a friend but someone who satisfies a need. The relationship is one of, you got what i need i need it now so come on and give it to me. Where as a friendship with someone, you're not involved in so much interested in filling that physical addiction to the high of orgasm. For me it's very fun to just be friends with a female because i'm not looking to fill this need for conventional orgasm. This need is so powerful that Marnia is completely right, it makes me feel like a hungry wolf who's out of control.

But when there is no idea of sleeping with another, i can let loose, relax, and enjoy the time i spend without worrying and getting nervous about sex. It seems that for me conventional sex is an addiction, or can be, and it changes me. It makes me depressed, anxious, suicidal, makes me overeat, and get annoyed at people for petty reasons.

If we're just friends there's no need to become better so that you can sleep with me. There's a whole load of pressure taken off. I can be myself, or act in ways i normally wouldn't if i were trying to get sex from you. Does this help? It's not so hard to understand and i think guys aren't so hard to understand either. Guys are different but not that different.

Peace

Paying for Sex

Men can frequently be the bread winners in a relationship. I know once when I was living together in a relationship with a woman and I was reluctantly giving her money. There was friction between us and I was dissatisfied with her contribution. Afterwards I realised that at the back of my head I was thinking "Its OK. I am getting sex". It never started out that way, but in the friction of a bad relationship it degenerated to that degree.

So I can imagine that this situation can exist when man sees woman as the provider of sex and the dopamine hit. He is the bread winner and there is an expectation that she will give him satisfaction in return. She becomes his prostitute. Respect goes out the window.

When I was in Lust

I cant relate to that feeling you described. Perhaps by nature I am not that aggressive. However I have since realised that my partner becomes the provider of sex and I have a hidden agenda in what I expect.
It can also happen for me that I get completely turned off my partner and I am just not interested in her.
When I am in love (lust) my feelings have been very genuine. It's only after the initial period that the wheels fall off and we both do some very strange things.