Did you bring porn star expectations into your bed? ***Warning: Potential triggers***

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Submitted by emerson on
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I think one of the most lethal things that porn does to us is to create expectations in our "real" love life that can never be met.

The way pornstars love cum, for instance. Not all women love cum, in fact I'm not sure that most do. I don't have enough experience to know, but I doubt it. And the way pornstars do anal. I could go on and on.

And here's how this corrupted our sex life.

I suggested various activities with my lovely wife Sparkles that came (no pun intended) straight out of the porn stories I had been O'ing to. But it was always disappointing.

She was okay with some of them, but it never satisfied at all.

And I felt a sense of shame about it that didn't help my erections. Although we had a decent sex life relative to most people our age, I would say it wasn't that satisfying for no reason other than that I had this secret life, and was always comparing the situations in the stories I read in my secret life with my real life and real wife. And those things we tried never met the standards of the sex story fantasies.

This is why I am very careful now to not read anything that can be a trigger. Even a sentence somewhere and instantly I am aware of some part of my brain recalling a situation or a story. A few posts here on this site have done that to me and I avoided reading the rest as soon as I perceived this.

Always vigilant.

The "Red X" can be useful sometimes. It's a great technique.

Conscious fantasy versus Spontaneous Fantasy

SOLUTION: I pretty much have stopped consciously entertaining or arousing myself by fantasizing, period.

It feels very natural to avoid this conscious fantasy. You know, the kind where you sit there dreamily engaging in whatever sex or porn story is on your mind or your core fantasy. I've stopped that.

I do of course notice "spontaneous fantasies" crossing into my consciousness but I move on quickly and give them no power. Sometimes I just watch them and they fade away after a few seconds. Sometimes they need to have their life. Especially the ones that are like, I see a woman in a tiny bikini and she is my type, and I imagine, well, I won't go there for you but you know what I mean. I watch that play out and after a few seconds it plays out and is gone.

It's really easy for me to cut out the conscious fantasy and not bring the pornstar stuff into the bedroom, because I did continue having a decent sex life, had erections reliably and reached orgasm inside of Sparkles often (though often needed to masturbate to O afterwards especially in the last few years.)

But it wasn't nearly as satisfying as it is now. It is amazing now and with Karezza I am learning to trust my partner, leave things to her, and see what develops, and avoid being goal oriented and focusing on the "now" and, more than that, on the "real."

What a gift.


I agree

female porn stars are not a reflection of the majority women's sexual preferences. Infact Im just finding this our for myself!
It goes to show how easily we can absorb information. Without a reference point people have nothing to compare the information with and so its filed until proven otherwise. Its the same with Love, peoples ideas of Love are so warped through the film and music industry.
When I say 'people' I should say me! Sounds like you've done some good work with untangling fantasy and intimacy.

it's insidious and it isn't jut porn

sex in mainstream movies is heavily influenced by porn IMHO and it's there too. Very mechanical and certain positions and cliches are perpetuated. Very hard not to bring that stuff into our sex lives. I'm working on it but Karezza makes that a non issue.

Nice post, emerson

but in the future, you may want to add something in the post title along the lines of "WARNING - POTENTIAL TRIGGERS". There are some serious landmines in this post that readers should be aware of before they open and read it. Don't mean to be alarmist but I think it's a valid concern for those that are making a go with rebooting and may be closer than they admit to a PMO relapse.

Over time my real life

Over time my real life perception of women and sex got completely screwed. It was no longer possible to have one concise view on this matter... it simply wasn't possible due to all the contradicting thoughts in my head!

"Women like cuddly sex... no wait, women just want raw hard sex.... no, women want commitment and no sex at all... nonono women just want to project their frustration on us by dressing sexy but being unavailable while they have access to all the sex in the world... women are sexbeasts that demand a penis that is in working order...I must be a porn star in bed. I am a failure!".

Something like that. In the end it just wasn't possible to integrate those views, some of which were eachother's complete opposite. It confused me and depressed me.

By rebooting I started to let go. Just let all those thoughts go. It was difficult at first, trying to see the world as a sexless one (while you know that's not true either). But after a while you just stop thinking about it. Now I don't even want to think about it. It feels a bit as if my brain is still sprained from all this overthinking.

Great post thebeg, and good

Great post thebeg, and good posts from emerson. I found that when I initially stopped watching porn and masturbatin the fantasies would come on very suddenly and they were almost constant. It was a real battle until I learned some techniques on YBOP to help me deal with it. Now I have been porn free for very nearly 3 months I don't fantasize at all. Well, very, very little, and even when the proces begins I shut it down completely as fast as I can.

I posted on my blog about feeling like I was leading a monastic lifestyle, but it was actually really cleansing. It must be easy for monks to remain abstinent because they see, hear and feel nothing in the way of stimulus that would set them off thinking about sex or anything related to it. After a few months of no internet, magazines, TV or real women, you can see how prolonged abstinence would become easier and easier.

I can relate to what you say about porn style sex in the bedroom. You try it and you either feel awkward, sorry or really disconnected from your partner. It simply doesn't work like that in my (very limited) experience.