Slow/Inconsistent progress. What more needs to be done?

Submitted by b0bcat on
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Greetings everyone.

I've found this site this past summer, and immediately realized that a lot of my mounting ED problems had to do with me living in the "mastrubatory world in my head" as opposed to the real world and "in the moment".

However, porn seems to be only a minor factor in my recovery - and I can't quite figure out how to put myself "over the edge" as I just can't get past a certain recovery stage.

I've been mastrubating since about 12-13 years old - and went to watching porn at about 14. High speed internet wasn't prevalent back then, so I didn't watch stuff that was streaming and ultra hardcore, but pornographic enough anyways. I'd mastrubate several times a day sometimes, not thinking much of it.

I lost my virginity with a hooker at around 21 years old or so - and I got a decent erection but nothing ultra superb.

After that I went on a hooker binge of sorts - dysfunctionally trying to have sex with as many women as possible. At first I had these performance anxiety issues where I'd lose my erection when the condom came out - but somehow I read about "just relax, be in the moment" and it worked.

For a while I was having no problems at all, besides maybe losing an erection after about 15-20 minutes sometimes. I'd be able to get it right back up without stopping penetration and right back to full hardness so I never thought much of it.

Eventually, as I resumed watching porn on a high-speed internet channel now while fuckin 5-6 hookers a month on average, my erections got weaker very gradually. And again I'd write it off to some "stubborn ass hoe who didn't wanna suck me as good as she could have" and go "get my confidence back up" by having sex with someone else.

For a while the novelty of my porno-fantasies coming true with all those Teen, MILF and other whores really kept me going - but my erections were getting weaker and weaker on average and in general. I'd look back to the few times everything was good and convince myself it's all about the "vibe with the partner" and that at 25 I'm "getting old" and need manual stimulation for my dick and that's totally normal.

Eventually it got to a point where I was just mostly totally flaccid and uninterested. I had to have hookers mastrubate me or suck me off while I fantasized HARD about some extremely dirty stuff and that was the only way I could get off after a while.

Then I found the your brain on porn site while browsing for help after another particularly sad encounter. By then I was watching pretty damn extreme porn too, defintiely the escalation process was noticeable.

Now I'm 27 years old and have been trying the "reboot/rewiring" process in a gradual manner since about July 2011. Quitting watching porn was not a problem for me as I got only very few and very minor urges to watch again, and absolutely didn't give into them.

For me it was always about fantasy anyways - I'd get bored watching porn and go to my bed to jack off to my own fantasies.

Considering the fact that I smoke weed daily, and have been for a decade, fantasies naturally come better for me. So the big problem was me realizing that I was delusional about "oh I don't watch porn, I should be fine" because my bigger issue was fantasies.

I was wondering why guys talk about sticking their nuts into cold water and having to do pushups to calm down their "urges" for porn - but I was having those same UNMANAGEABLE cravings for FANTASY!

Essentially I quit porn and tried going to several hookers throughout my reboot - the result is this - I get just hard enough to where it's 90% of a full erection - stick it in and come within seconds. Later on, as I got deeper into my reboot, I couldn't even maintain a full erection at all and would come in a flaccid penis state.

So I went on and had several successful period of 10-21 days where I didn't mastrubate to porn at all. However I'd still "edge" by looking at the online pictures of hookers I once fucked...and then realized that almost always leads to relapse.

Now I would go another 33 days with no PMO, and by now I haven't watched ANY porn whatsoever in 6 monhts. However I'd still allow myself to fantasize about my past experiences with women right before falling asleep - until very recently. Those cravings were persistent for the first 4-5 days then went away COMPLETELY and I stopped randomly thinkin' about sex scenes from my past or imagining sex scenes with girl walking by.

Basically I progressed great at first, having many long periods of abstinence, only relapsing to mastrubation to physical sensations only or "softcore" type fantasies. However, I seem to be stuck on porn fantasy. I got a new girlfriend to start this year and had severe anxiety about how to take the step to have sex with her.

I ended up having the exact same problems as before - hard dick during oral with the erection dwindling really within about 10 seconds after the fact and no chance to penetrate whatsoever, condom or not. Now obviously as is always the case, the relationship deteriorated from there and it's looking really bad, even though she kept saying that "sex isn't important" to her....I know that to be false just because of how she changed her attitude towards me immediately after. I even failed this whole thing using yohimbine - which used to help me get an erection even during my "flaccid, burned out don't want sex" stage.

By now, I've got my energy levels back up to normal, and mastrubation by itself doesn't physically drain me anymore like it used to and only causes a very slight "comedown effect".

However, I still get no morning erections whatsoever and while I can now focus on the physical sensations in my penis and have a 75-80% solid erection just through physical stimulation - I can't get over that stage no matter what.

Now, clearly my issue was a lot more fantasy than porn, and I've only now cut the last "fantasy thread" - about 10 days before the experience. I would fantasize very little at that point, but still try and recall pleasant sexual experiences from the past - and there are plenty.

Another factor is that I've been trying to cut down on my marijuana usage - because I think the paranoia induced "performance anxiety". I mean, given my experiences it makes perfect sense to worry about performance, based on pure stats of the last few years. But marijuana I think kicks it into another gear if you take high doses constantly. So my theory is that it's not the weed, but the dosage which do you in. And constantly high dosages especially...hopefully I won't have to quit completely as that's a big part of my lifestyle and identity. If I cut down though, I'll get more high from a low tolerance - now junkie can argue with that :)

What I have going for me, is that I work out on a regular basis 3-4 times a week as the absolute minimum. I only drink alcohol maybe 3-4 times a year total, and watch my nutrition closely. I've cut down my intake of meats and eat loads of fruit, oatmeal, salads etc. I also take protein shakes and amino acids for my intense workouts.

So what I'm really wondering is - how much more should I aim for in this reboot/rewiring process? Clearly everyone's been saying the biggest issue is porn, which was extremely easy for me to give up. Should I wait a long time with continuing no PMO and just continuing having no fantasies (again fantasies stopped being a problem almost immediately after I cut them out) and things will sort themselves out ?

Again I've been 6 months without porn, and had 3 periods of 20+ days of no PMO during that time - in addition to never really relapsing into a binge, and having other great runs of 10-14 days when I'd relapse once and get back to it.

How much is chronic marijuana use a factor? - Considering that I'm cutting down now and haven't been smoking Snoop Dogg levels or anything close to that for years. Maybe 1-1.5 grams a day most of the time of some good weed.

Basically most of my reboot dealt with porn, with fantasy being cut out a lot slower, and more gradual, as I made more realizations about the situation. Can fantasy really be such a huge factor or can there be other issues ?

The reason I'm asking is because I have poor heredity when it comes to prostate/kidney diseases and I'm worried I might actually have a real physical problem.

The other thing is relaxation - I find it hard to relax in general...I would like to hear your opinions on where I'm at in my reboot/recovery and how much longer would I need to wait ? Because to be honest with you I feel like a new man mentally, but with the same physical problems and mental issues as my "old self"...so it's like this reboot works and it doesn't for me at the same time.

Looking forward to hearing from you all - and a good day/night to the whole reuniting community!

you don't want to hear this but

1. Quit all marijuana. All of it. Never take another hit ever again. That will force you to start finding other things to do and change your life for the better. You will not really grow up and function to your potential until you do. You will eventually quit marijuana anyway so why not do it now. There will be a terrible empty feeling in your life for awhile but your life will become richer and you will never go back.

2. Never see another prostitute or pay anyone for sex.

3. Do not masturbate. Period. For at least 6 months. Channel this energy into a girlfriend and into other activities.

4. Begin to cuddle and snuggle and bond with your girlfriend. Take this very seriously. It is far, far more important than intercourse or sex of any kind. It is really better if you do not ejaculate for some time. Your brain has to rewire itself along lower stimulus channels without drugs and without the paid sex and this takes some time.

5. Learn and practice the Red X. It's somewhere on YourBrianOnPorn.com and will help you eliminate the fantasies as soon as they come up. Fantasy is the same as real to your subconscious. The Red X will stop you from reprogramming your subconscious towards fantasy gratification. This will open up space for new experiences, especially bonding experiences, to replace them.

Wonderful work ahead of you, my friend.

Do you get ED after your

Do you get ED after your periods of 20 days of no PMO?

I also frequent prostitutes but I almost never have ED after 10+ days of no PMO. The erection quality can be much better but it's usually hard during the whole act. When I'm orgasming on a semi-frequently basis then I do get ED.

The ideal plan is to quit ANY sort of sexual stimulation. No masturbation, no fantasizing, no porn, no "peeking" at erotic/bikini images, no visiting prostitutes, etc. However if you can't do that then you should at the bare minimum quit porn, fantasies, and masturbation.

I'm guessing

that you just recently quit your real "fix," the fantasy, and that that has thrown you into a bit of a flatline. http://yourbrainonporn.com/i-quit-porn-but-my-potency-and-libido-are-dec... After all, dopamine dysregulation can come from too much stimulation...of ANY kind (fantasy, porn, FaceBook, gaming, whatever).

Can you explain to your girlfriend that you're experimenting with unhooking from an old habit of too much fantasy and that it will take your brain some time to recalibrate to stimulation from her alone?

Ask if she'll engage in lots of sensual contact without making *you* orgasm for a bit, while your brain reorganizes itself. It probably won't take long. http://yourbrainonporn.com/what-do-i-tell-my-new-girlfriend

PS Emerson used to smoke marijuana himself, just so you know.

Well thanks a lot for the

Well thanks a lot for the feedback everyone.

I thought that the 'fantasy' thing may have been a real strong "wiring" system in my brain - but after a while it's sort of hard to have to convince myself that and I kept thinking that every little minor thing having to do with sexual thoughts can't possibly be throwing me off completely - when a man's libido is supposed to break through titanium :) But yes it can be since my brain has been messed up for a long while...

I guess I'll just have to admit that I rushed into a relationship, especially the sexual part.

And yeah I started to get more Premature Ejaculation and ED issues with hookers - basically as I began to abstain from PMO more. Before that things were bad and I was disinterested and would lose my erection every few minutes - but at least I could "last" longer than 5-10 seconds once I did get it in and actually have a fully normal sex act once every blue moon.

It's a true point by Emerson as far as mentioning "lower stimulus channels" - and I don't really want to see any hookers again either. I mean I did manage to have sex with over a hundred of them before my "thing went south" so maybe I'm over-satiated when it comes to different women too.

I can probably explain that porn part to my girl, but I think we might have "personality compatibility" issue as well - and I think those may have been made worse by my failures. The red X thing doesn't seem to be a problem now as I'm really "flatlining" again it seems after a few days of intense fantasy urges.

Finally, I'm never planning on stopping marijuana completely. If I have to make a "business decision" and cut it out for a short amount of time to better the recovery or lower my dosage very significantly - I can handle that. Matter of fact I've already lowered my dosage plenty.

It's one of the things in life that I enjoy greatly, and a huge priority for me, so I'd much rather sacrifice and give up other things in life for it. I wouldn't want to give up a loving relationship though, and it doesn't seem to me at the moment like marijuana has a direct effect on ED recovery, but more of an auxillary one like other forms of stimulation. I really already know what I want and need to do in life, so the only issue holding me back from reaching my full potential is this ED thing. Everything else is just perfect in other areas of life - or rather I've been putting it the work to make it better too. Smoking weed for me is all about enhancing whatever activity I'm doing rather than a substitute for doing things :)

Again thanks all for your support - even if my story matches at least 50 others in the same category it's still great to get real feedback and realize you're still in the same boat as the others - when patience and nerves start wearing thin from negative experiences during recovery.

Just to clarify...

I wasn't implying that fantasy is "bad," just that it might be your particular addiction. If so, your brain has created very strong pathways for it to be able to arouse you...at the same time too much stimulation is dialing down your *overall* sexual responsiveness. This is what porn addicts have to contend with too.

If you want to be sexually responsive, you have to lay off the overstimulation so your brain returns to normal sensitivity. In your case this means giving fantasy a long rest.

Sorry to hear the relationship isn't working out. Any cuddle buddies among your harem? http://www.psychologytoday.com/blog/cupids-poisoned-arrow/201104/calling...

More on fantasy. May be relevant. http://www.psychologytoday.com/blog/cupids-poisoned-arrow/201003/sexual-...

Yeah thanks for the

Yeah thanks for the clarification.

I always thought in the back of my mind that porn isn't as exciting as the stuff I can make up in my mind. Since I'm left-handed and a creative type, it's easy for me to get carried away with fantasy, and come to think of it I've done it since childhood.

That's the thing - since I don't watch porn, my "responsiveness" is actually very good....but only to my own fantasy as it turned out. Still I never used to be that sensitive and responsive even to my own fantasies before. That's why I thought I might be good to go.

It's crazy how something that seemingly is no big deal can alter one's brain in such a drastic way. It's like, what's a little fantasy, everyone does it. But then you let it take over your brain....That is why I was getting impatient with this, but now I realize that there is that last layer I gotta peel back.

Again thanks for the responses and I should have no problem keeping this up now so I can keep it up in the future - since I really just absolutely hate mastrubating now. It drains me severely physically, unlike any sexual ejaculation with a woman, which doesn't drain me at all.

Right now, small rushes of desire for fantasy are coming back for the first time in over a week or so. No big deal at all though, but I was flatlined for a little while there I think.

Sounds like

you've put it all together very well, but since I answered you, Gary put up his latest post which lays out the science behind this phenomenon (in your case, "Why is fantasy more exciting than a real partner?"): http://www.psychologytoday.com/blog/cupids-poisoned-arrow/201201/why-do-... You might find it interesting.

This guy was also a fantasy-type, so you might find his reboot interesting. http://yourbrainonporn.com/age-30-80-days

You could PM him too. http://www.reuniting.info/privatemsg/new/6319

Thanks again for the

Thanks again for the continued support. I found the article really interesting - especially the part about where the brain reduces sensitivity, while another part of the brain looks for a "fix" at the same time. That's pretty much the mechanism for every type of addiction.

I guess having done hard drugs in the past and having struggled to get off all of them except marijuana, I didn't take "behavioral" addictions seriously. I mean I was on meth and got off, which about 5-7% of all users do....what is some fantasy gonna rattle me now!??!?! Apparently yes.

What I mean when I say it seems inconceivable that something like that could cause problems is because of society's wide acceptance of it. I knew I've seen and heard this in several movies about guys mastrubating right before a date with a girl to "feel less nervous". And everyone in my social circle joking around about mastrubating and watching various types of porn like it's no big deal.

Plus it's like I was convinced that I need to always have as much sexual release as possible and that it's "not cool" to not have it and you're a loser if you don't get it. That's the messages that popular culture sends unfortunately.

Really what pisses me off is that I didn't know about this being a problem AT ALL. If I did, I would have quit it much earlier, as I've been able to stop hard drugs and have experience cutting off addictions (well, all but one apparently).

Anyways, thanks for the links, will check out the other guy's reboot report too...

The worst for now is these cravings for fantasy in the morning. My brain takes advantage of me not being fully awake yet and immediately begins sending images into my head and they're hard to fight off when all your mental prowess isn't awake yet.

I like battling my brain though. It always comes back with nifty and tricky ways to get me to satisfy an old craving and you can easily fall for it but you just have to stay the course and say "efff you brain!" - knowing it will benefit it in the long run :)

Yes, it's very

unnerving that behavioral addictions to "natural reinforcers" (food, sex) have such power. Except that it makes perfect sense...because all drug addictions hijack the brain mechanisms that are there to drive you toward natural reinforcers. Now that we have supernormal versions of natural reinforcers (junk food, Internet porn with constant novelty), it's a "no brainer" that addiction is likely for many brains.

How many? No one knows, but the junk food (obesity) experience suggests that more of us will be vulnerable to addiction to natural rewards than to drugs. Distressing thought...given how ubiquitous Internet porn is.

If you want a giggle...here's how one early morning relapser solved his problem. I promise it wasn't my idea! :O http://yourbrainonporn.com/why-i-encased-my-junk-in-plastic

.

[quote=Marnia]unnerving that behavioral addictions to "natural reinforcers" (food, sex) have such power. Except that it makes perfect sense...because all drug addictions hijack the brain mechanisms that are there to drive you toward natural reinforcers. Now that we have supernormal versions of natural reinforcers (junk food, Internet porn with constant novelty), it's a "no brainer" that addiction is likely for many brains.

How many? No one knows, but the junk food (obesity) experience suggests that more of us will be vulnerable to addiction to natural rewards than to drugs. Distressing thought...given how ubiquitous Internet porn is.

If you want a giggle...here's how one early morning relapser solved his problem. I promise it wasn't my idea! :O http://yourbrainonporn.com/why-i-encased-my-junk-in-plastic[/quote]

Yeah I read that other guy's report that you sent earlier and I was thinking: "How come he is writing about my life word for word right now?" I mean that is incredibly close down to the small detail! So I got some idea now as to how to tell when your fantasies are returning to normal. I realized even though I get horny looking at real women in public now whereas I didn't for a while in my darkest PMO days, I still immediately stop looking and get inside my head to come up with a fantasy related to her. That mechanism was kind of a shock because I thought it's more or less a normal libido reaction. You're supposed to keep looking and being excited at reality, but I get right into my head without noticing!

I like feeling bad now though! Anytime I feel off or have a bad day I'm like YESS! WITHDRAWAL!! THE BRAIN IS RECOVERING!!! I see now why my friend used to start up addctions just to quit them shortly after :)

I think encasing in plastic is a little over the top though :)

Yeah I think I'm in a major

Yeah I think I'm in a major flatline stage now - there are flashes of fantasy here and there but I shut it down as soon as I can. Does that count as relapsing if you don't develop the thought? Can you stop thoughts from popping into your head? Am I going insane after going to war with my brain over this for ages?

I'm just hoping this doesn't take a very long time and I'm worried that it might. But again day to day it's so different it's hard to tell what will even happen tomorrow with my attitude about it.

Stay cool

and just gently, persistently acknowledge that another fantasy has arrived...and shift your mind to new subjects.

How are you doing otherwise?

It's strange but I slept

It's strange but I slept nearly all day and half the next day - heard this is a symptom of low dopamine. It also could be that I overworked myself in the gym and needed to sleep that off though.

Had a nice pleasant surprise in the morning, but generally I'm flatlined as can be right now I believe. The fantasies aren't persistent but when the brain's defenses are down (being tired after a long day or just getting high after a long break) they tend to try and sneak in. Now I think my brain is confused as to how it's supposed to send arousal signals to activate the member is the best way to put it.

It's like having a broken clutch and the engine isn't getting connected to the wheels in a car. It's trying to get that connection so you can shift gears when you want to, but the engine isn't getting the proper circuits firing...sometimes it connects the old way and you get a little revs, but they drop right back down because the clutch isn't working properly...

So again I'm hoping my brain figures it out sooner than later because the wait has been too long. Everything else is good in life so I this is the one thing holding me back really.

great way to put it

Your brain will figure it out. It already is. This is all evidence that it is fixing itself. You are giving it the chance. All good. BTW, I think my life improved greatly when I stopped getting high and more recently stopped alcohol consumption for similar reasons. Just a thought. I'm sure it won't hurt your recovery process but it's something to think about.

Yeah I only drink alcohol

Yeah I only drink alcohol maybe 3-4 times a year MAX and I only buy the ultra-expensive quality drinks during those times.

I know there is a benefit to not smoking as well, but I've made my choice long ago - my best bet is to limit smoking as much as I can. I like it for creative reasons and generally I'm aware of and can live with the drawbacks.

I already quit all the other substances and unhealthy behaviors and I'm exercising/eating well to try and compensate for the last one I do have.

Maybe I misuderstood your first post above

To me it sounded like you finally figured out that *your* addiction pathway (what really hammers your reward circuitry) is related to fantasy:

I'd still allow myself to fantasize about my past experiences with women right before falling asleep - until very recently.

If you stopped YOUR addiction recently, because it took you a while to figure out that porn wasn't really The Problem, then you're probably, finally in your "real" withdrawal, flatline now.

Strange sleeping patterns are normal during withdrawal. Be grateful it isn't insomnia. [skepti]

Be patient. I think you'll turn a real corner her now. But stay off the sexual fantasy.

Ok thanks for the words of

Ok thanks for the words of encouragement...and yeah there's this majorly "empty" feeling - something like after hard drug use but a lot more subtle.

Hopefully my previous efforts do not go in vain here and I turn this corner quicker.

It's funny, mentally I feel

It's funny, mentally I feel like I've just gotten off a 6 week non-stop mastrubation binge although I've been totally PMO free for the past 9 days and haven't had any sort of a "binge" of this sort in ages!

Now this feeling isn't accompanied by being physically drained - but mentally you have to remind yourself not to become undone sometimes so it's somewhat easier to manage. This also feels suspiciously similar to a mental withdrawal from hard drugs! Little glimpses of certain negative feelings from the past here and there.

There are some positives too - like I think my emotions are returning more and are becoming brighter and more pure - like I'm 16 years old again or something. Flashes of those here and there.

We'll see how this goes but so far it's a lot of flatlining - I'm still not sure if I get excited by real girls or if I'm projecting fantasies about them into my head based on what I see. It's really confusing right now so I just don't think about it at all nowadays.

Those flashes

sound good. Alas, flatlines are called that for a reason. [skepti] It's very confusing...but I suspect your drug-withdrawal analogy is perfect. The same things are going on in your brain.

Did you check out the "Withdrawal Self-Reports?" I put some drug symptom lists at the end for comparison. An addiction is an addiction, and researchers are finding the same fundamental *physical* brain changes in behavioral addicts as in drug addicts. So your experience makes sense physiologically.

http://www.reuniting.info/download/pdf/0.WITHDRAWAL.pdf

Well reading this it seems

Well reading this it seems I've cushioned the withdrawal blow severely by first quitting porn and mastrubation before cutting out fantasy. I also never really "binged" during this stage.

Obviously the process is very long and it's taken 7 months up to now, but I see that I've had some of those symptoms in the early stages, and some of them I have now - but not all at once like a laundry list of bad symptoms that many users list.

Also I think working out has negated the "aches and pains" part of the withdrawal for me as well. Just a little sluggish and empty at the moment - like I've been taking some stimulant like meth or cocaine the night before. They affect dopamine so there might be some place where the fantasy and drug stimuli intersect so to speak causing similar withdrawals.

I realize now that this

I realize now that this process is actually most similar to quitting marijuana. Your mood really changes throughout the day a lot and you can start off with a great morning and have a bad day, or have an average day, or have a terrible day or start off terrible but then have a good night... :) It's somewhat hilarious and strange because I'm having marijuana-type withdrawal symptoms yet I'm sill smoking :)

Exactly how it went for me when I stopped smoking for several months or more in the past. Totally wild and unpredictable process but slowly but surely I think the "baseline" for how you feel is improving in general and thus those mood swings become easier to deal with.

I also am getting very weak 20-25% erections every morning too but nothing above that. My brain is still trying to sneak fantasy in but now I don't even think of sexual scenes I just think about a chick I like and her personality and that gets me excited without any nude fantasy whatsoever. Still I don't even let myself fantasize like that because your perception of her personality in fantasy is different from reality....

I've also decided to cut out all the other distracting non-sexual fantasies and thoughts out of my brain - to practice more mental discipline and be able to enjoy what's going on around me more and be more focused too..

Another interesting

Another interesting observation is the vivid dreams.

I was always told that dreams are severely diminished and reduced at night if one smokes weed. But now I'm having dreams that are extremely vivid! It's like there's a whole new world that I'm livin' in there.

Well I chased away fantasies

Well I chased away fantasies and abstained from PMO fully for a month, and RIGHT at the 30 day mark I had a really weird wet dream. I guess it wasn't really a dream though, because I was about 90% asleep and felt the conscious part of my mind say: "Well let's just flex our pc muscles really strongly for a while now and just ejaculate" and that's exactly what ended up happening.

There were absolutely NO fantasies of me having intercourse with anyone, just me being asleep and having that physical feeling and concentrating only on that.

I woke up and saw plenty of evidence and then remembered what happened in my mostly-asleep uncontrollable state.

Either way I feel pretty bad right now, but not nearly as bad as if I had relapsed. Overall though I'm only about 75% there and these erections don't last.

Still do I count this as progress or is it just the body's normal maintenance cycle which will continue indefinitely??

Well I guess the male body

Well I guess the male body has no choice but to ejaculate with some degree of frequency...if you don't wanna seek that release out yourself your body will just say "you know what eff you, we're releasing this stuff anyways and you can't do nothing about it"...

I feel extremely terrible right now and wish this whole thing didn't happen. If these sort of dreams keep happening with this same specific interval, that means I'm guaranteed to feel like crap for like 4-5 days out of a month as I recover from each "crash", which is not very good news to me.

I just got used to feeling amazing and full of energy and now I'm back to square one where every little thing and activity now causes my brain to complain and whine like an overwhelmed little girl. I have no vitality at all, and a lot less control over my emotions again. And the worst part about it is there was nothing I could do to prevent that even though I did the best I possibly could...this just sucks all around.

This also seems to be a huge setback and I'm really depressed about it because I feel like I'm back to six months ago with my mental state...not to mention completely and totally dead down there again.

Maybe I need to learn how to channel that sexual energy so those involuntary ejaculations don't happen at all, or going to a monastery could be an option...

I know that the way it is right now the last thing I ever want is some kind of an orgasm - it just throws me off way too much.

I'm becoming increasingly skeptical about this whole process and thinking that maybe I should lead a celibate life and just don't worry about it. It just seems like I'm deluding myself into thinking there's some progress every time by reading the reports of others and buying into some super-subtle cues which I might as well just be making up.

What can I say, this is the most frustrated I've been with this process yet - just as I catch the perfect rhythm in life and activities this crap throws me way off again...

b0bcat wrote:

[quote=b0bcat]
I feel extremely terrible right now and wish this whole thing didn't happen. If these sort of dreams keep happening with this same specific interval, that means I'm guaranteed to feel like crap for like 4-5 days out of a month as I recover from each "crash", which is not very good news to me.
[/quote]

The male menstrual?! Biggrin

Journaling is underrated, eh?

Just know that your body is going through a big adjustment, and mood (and hormonal) swings are normal.

Socializing seems to help a lot. Even though you don't feel like it, can you get out and make friendly eye contact with some people at least? Walk? Mall? Coffee shop? Bookstore? Library?

Oh I don't know...today I

Oh I don't know...today I nearly lost it completely due to a totally routine situation at work...good thing I calmed down before I had a chance to kill my colleague or something...

This is just ridiculous - I thought the worst would be over after a month but I haven't EVER had a crash THIS HARD after ANY of my previous relapses really...this is exactly like falling from the top of the world into the bottom of a landfill...

I always heard they say it gets worse before it gets better but this is getting progressively worse for a while now. I went from silent depression with no motivation to angry depression where I wanna destroy stuff.

Seems like my brain wants to keep going until it covers EVERY withdrawal symptom that's possible to occur within the human body :) I'm almost entirely through the lists that were posted here, check check and check )

The thing is there are some brief fantasies coming back, but they're so innocent and simple compared to the past and it's easier to let them go though they're PERVASIVE PESTS they don't wanna go away fully...

I'm sorry

Exercise and meditation seem to help regulate mood best. (Lots of science backing them up too.) But you have to do them almost daily.

.

Hang in there mate, things like this do come along and kick you when you're down just for good measure. It will pass, I promise.

Thank yall for continued

Thank yall for continued support, the good thing about this is that it gets better day by day and about day 5 you start believing in surviving this ordeal again :)

I already exercise like a total maniac - doing weights, plyometrics and playing basketball as well - 3-4 times a week. And I eat a lot of fruit and vegetables and mostly chicken and fish besides that so diet is good too. I do need to go out and socialize more now I think, because those fantasies will keep coming back unless I find a replacement, that's also evident. Otherwise it's a battle of wills which you can easily lose due to no alternative.

I need to get into meditaiton too though, so far I'm trying basic stuff like focusing on my breathing etc.

An update three months from the last post

Ok, so since this last post I basically still watched no Porn at all, and only briefly went on a mastrubation binge for 3 days in early March. Basically jacked off once each day then called it quits on the habit for good. After two months I went to see hookers a few times just to "test myself out" and basically I get ridiculous amounts of performance anxiety and ejaculation starts as I'm still getting fully erect aka prematurely.

I can tell though I'm worryin' about "just getting it in there" and stuff like that, again I expected to be just tackling this girl in the hallway and making wild love to her or something, but it wasn't the case despite many days of no PMO and not letting any fantasies develop. Obviously some slip through, but basically I controlled myself into shifting attention immediately to not letting myself daydream about sex all day at any point.

Otherwise when I'm at home I get a very decent boner with very light touch, either 5-10 minutes after waking up or I can induce it myself without any fantasy or obviously porn - I mean it's not granite-full yet but pretty solid and it stays up for a little while - I should be doin' much better in bed with whatever improvement I'm seeing physically is what I mean.

So I'm thinkin' I need to work on my mental game, and start looking for a relationship with someone who understands. One Russian anti-mastrubation forum suggests it's possible to get prostatitis if you've been mastrubating long enough - I'm getting tested on that too just in case, since I started so early and did it so much. Also I have a terrible history of prostate/kidney/etc. issues in my family.

I wanna give those energy flow exercises a try because I realize now that I don't know how to relax properly at all. Like I wake up, then I'm tense with thoughts and maybe physically in the gym, then I sleep. I'm basically always thinking or doin' something and then I get knocked out. There's no in between phase and I really feel it's hindering me in a lot of ways. Yoga just feels like someone gave me tranquilizers, and then there's a "comedown effect" the next day from it.

Back in the day I somehow had performance anxiety then convinced myself to "just relax" and everything was awesome, until I finally nuked my balls with too much PMO that is. I can't remember what I did but something flipped the switch and I was banging left and right! Not necessarily sure if I wanna live the same lifestyle again though, more for the sake of my future wife.

A word on marijuana if you're quitting PMO: I cut down my consumption three-fold if not more and spend most of my day sober now. I say the high is a similar impulse to sexual arousal, but it doesn't quite hit the same part of the brain. The problem is, since it's a creative type of a drug, it is very hard to avoid sexual fantasy if you're smoking all day or just a lot in general. And because of the euphoria it's easier to relapse and then when you smoke again you seemingly don't feel the severity of body depletion from PMO. So cutting down on it helps recover faster just due to the fact that you tend to fantasize less.

Overall it's now been 11

Overall it's now been 11 months since I started by abstaining just from porn and like 4 months since I cut out all fantasy. Mentally I feel great and I don't get that tugging sensation in the brain which tells me I'm out of energy and I start to be overwhelmed even by a series of simple actions. That's out now, but I think I need to rewire to being in constant contact with a mate at this point.

Well I've had sex several

Well I've had sex several times - about once every 3-7 days during this month with the same partner - but the same ED problems of a year ago are still there - but without the "mental burnout" aspect.

My erection is still very inconsistent, and goes away completely in certain "positions" and I hardly "feel myself inside" of a woman during intercourse - meaning it's not anywhere as solid as it should be.

I'm thinking maybe I haven't finished rebooting - but how long do I have to go? I've been doing this for a year now, including long periods of no relapse and constant progress.

It's getting pretty frustrating and I'm definitely going to get things checked out for a physical problem. I don't get any fantasy or mastrubation urges at all anymore, but if I just do kegels at home and that gets me an erection, it's still not solid and goes away if I stand up for instance instead of sitting down etc.

This is just continuing to be very frustrating because I've put in so much work and effort into this and don't seem to be getting anything out of it. I'm starting to be more sure that my problem is physical - if it were mental I'd get huge erections at home and weaker ones with a partner, but that's not the case.

I do kegels and reverse kegels, exercise lots, eat healthy and all that - but I see almost no progress physically now - all the progress before that was mental. I'm in a better mental state now, but still have the exact same issues from my PMO days. Very frustrating.