How do singles fit in

Submitted by victoria on
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I quite agree with the non orgasmic intercourse as put forth on the site. But I would like to know how it relates to singles ie people not in any sexual relationship. How does one preserve a healthy sexuality without masturbating if one has not yet found a suitable sexual partner

Welcome Victoria!

If you read back through the blogs, you'll see that a number of men here have been struggling with that very question. It's particularly tricky for them because they are so visual, porn is everywhere, and porn can become REALLY addictive because it sets up powerful "learning reinforcement" in the brain by strengthening pathways related to any behaviors/cues associated with it.

The answer to your question will probably turn out to be simple, but not easy - mostly because it is unfamiliar. Connect with men on every level you can whether by a simple smile, a compliment, an indication of appreciation, encouragement, a sincere hug, a helping hand, a cyberspace connection, or controlled intercourse - depending upon the circumstances.

The "single-at-the-moment dilemma" is one reason I favor the "Courtly Companion" concept. Think how much it brightens your day to get kindly emails from men you know. It brightens theirs, too. Since "what we do comes back to us," a cyber connection is a great way to improve your life by lighting up someone else's.

There's something about keeping that electricity flowing between the sexes that also makes us more attractive and alive. It thus makes it easier to attract a partner in our daily lives.

I think the mainstream media hype is a bit confused on this point. Masturbation is certainly not sinful, but nor is it a substitute for exchanging yin and yang energy. Even a subtle flirtation in an almost brotherly-sisterly cyber connection will be far more nourishing than a session with a dildo. Consider your single women friends who are relying on masturbation to enliven them. Are they glowing with well being? Are the ones who are masturbating more, happier than the ones masturbating less? When I looked closely at some of my friends who were the most open about the benefits of masturbation, I found that they often had an "edge." Or that they were rigid and discouraged. Whereas a simple valentine from a male friend (not lover) would have any of them genuinely smiling.

Orgasm is addictive for women, too. But the solution isn't to rigidly suppress it (although minimizing it is a sound idea, due to its addictiveness). The solution is to form "circuits of energy" with the yang energy on the planet (or the yin energy if you're yang), and see how you honestly feel.

The fact is, the mainstream is convinced that orgasm nourishes. If that were true, then porn addicts would be the happiest, most balanced people on the planet. They aren't. It's the circuit of energy that nourishes (and yes, friendships that are not "yin/yang" are also nourishing). We all think that a connection means that we must find a lover, but even before that step, there's much happiness and fulfillment to be found in heartfelt, honest exchanges with the opposite sex.

I concur!

I currently live with a man who is eighteen years my senior who has been single for a long time. We are close friends, but there is not, nor will there ever be, a sexual relationship between us. We do, however, have a lovely intimacy that extends to spending time together, talking about everything under the sun, including sexuality, and being supportive of one another. I also have other close friends who are male, and there is nothing sexual in either relationship with them, either. I have been doing the sex/relationship thing "backwards" all my life; tending to get involved sexually early on and taking care of the relationship, or lack of it, later. My deep, satisfying connection with my male friends gives me an opportunity to practice nourishing non-sexual connection that is more about things of the spirit and the heart.
This is the first time in my life that has ever been the case, and I am grateful for it. I have a feeling that's part of the reason that my lack of sexual activity is less of a problem.
It could also have something to do with the fact that I am perimenopausal, and the drive to reproduce just isn't there anymore. I crave deep, meaningful partnership and connection more than I ever have, but all the frantic, jangly, erratic energy around "getting laid" does not appeal to me at all. I am a sensual woman with a healthy sex drive, but connection is the key for me today.

Magic Touch

We have been talking about this at home. My mother lives in our home and she is 97. She fell and is in pain. My son heard her moaning and went in to see what could be done. She said her foot was hurting and so he held it for about 5 minutes, at which time the pain went away. See? Touch is magic. Everyone needs touch, lots of it. About singles and holding time to balance their male-female energy levels---that is problem in our society. We, as a people, seem to be stuck outside the circle of this experience. Walter Last suggested a hugging club on his site. But, how to go about doing that, does anyone have suggestions for how?

This has been on my mind a lot lately. I remember when I was a teen and being driven crazy for want of a girl to hold. If I knew what I know now, I would have know that sex wasn't what I wanted. It was touch, someone to hold. Someone coined the phrase, 'Skin hunger' for this craving. Our parents are supposed to supply this touch nutrient to us when we are younger, but as a person reaches the teens, they start to crave the touch of someone their own age. Some how the idea of sex gets thrown in because of the way we are trained in this society. The truth is, everyone should know how to hug and sex shouldn't even come to mind. I like Walter Last's idea of a hugging party. And we're not talking about just between opposite sexes. There is a great deal of healing power in hugs of all kinds, from both sexes.

Well Victoria, what can be done? Find a male to hug? This sounds like it could be awkward. I decided to try organizing a hugging party myself to see what would happen. So, I went to the local metaphysical center and signed up to give a 10 minute explanation at their next church meeting. Then if there was interest generated from that, I would get an evening in their summer program to hug and talk.

John F. Barnes calls this Unwinding. He holds his clients and they release emotional tension. He is a therapist. You don't need to pay for this. A hug is all that is needed---a nice half hour hug. Be prepared for surprises. You may have an emotional release like Barnes' clients. He will hold someone for up to 45 minutes, cradling them in his arms. Quantum Touch is another one that holds for along time, a half hour is near the minimum time needed to heal according to their program. Then there's Reiki. It takes about a half hour as well. Body electronics is a healing group that has point holding sessions where a selected person in their group lays on a table and the others in the group press on acupressure points and just hold them. They stay like this for 2 hours. They report that their fingers feel like hot firebrands, even though a thermometer tells them that no temperature rise has taken place. Healing takes place in all these healing modalities. I have found from personal experience that just hugging, as in Sacred Sex, is as effective as any of these examples. Then there is Jin Shin Do, point holding again.

The funny thing about talking to the store was that I told her what my special subject of study was, Taoist sex practices, and she thought that bizarre. SHE thought that was odd---someone who runs a store full of witchcraft, alien encounters and so forth.

That church class on hugging is a start, but, I honesty don't have confidence in my lecture having much of an influence on them. There will me some hugging, most likely, but I doubt if I can get this group to experience therapeutic hugging on the level I want them to feel. We'll see. It's like this, these people will be there out of curiosity, not a NEED to learn Sacred Sex---their motivation is not where I want it. How many times have you heard a great and inspiring sermon or speech and totally agreed with the need to change something you're doing, then go home and blow it off as---"That was nice. but I don't have time to rearrange my mind to accommodate this concept."

I'm searching for a better way to approach having a hugging party. Any ideas? Send them my way.

Have you visted

the Cuddle Party site?

Your post is beautiful, and very timely. I'm just about to start the chapter in my new book on bonding behaviors. They speak directly to our mammalian brain, soothing us and making us more courageous and resilient...not to mention more in love. I think this is what my husband and I were stumbling upon with the Ecstatic Exchanges. In this version I'll make the underlying cues clearer to people.

I think that once people understand more about touch and what signals it gives their brains, touch will become more "fashionable." The biggest challenge is to help people understand that touch has to have boundaries. If it's perceived as "unsafe" or "greedy" then it does not benefit people, and actually makes them avoid the touch that they so desperately need. This is one reason we shouldn't listen to Mother Nature in the bedroom. She will make our touch hungrier and hungrier, thanks to the orgasm cycle. We easily get our priorities switched over to orgasm, thinking we can have both. But after a while, greedy touch drives partners apart.

Anyhow, this is a huge, important, therapeutic subject. I hope others will jump in.

article on skin hunger

Hey, gang,
I was reading on the Cuddle Party site and found a link to this article on "" I am pasting it here cuz I don't know how to create a link yet...Lots of info.

Skin hunger is a relatively new term that has been applied to the emotional response engendered by the loss of touch in our society. One of the five basic senses, touch is the only one deemed essential to human life. During WW II babies in orphanages developed Failure to thrive or even died when deprived of human contact. In a classic study by Harry Harlow, newborn monkeys were taken from their biological mothers and given surrogates made of either wire or soft terry cloth. The baby monkeys consistently chose the soft mother even when deprived of nourishment. The need for bonding outweighed even the basic necessity of food.

The need for touch extends beyond the early developmental years. It is the first sense to develop in utero and the last to diminish as we die. Babies and children with loving parents are cuddled and kissed and touched. As a child ages he seeks to become more independent and may even resist too much lovin'. How many of us parents have mourned the day our children became too big to sit in our laps anymore? Boys, especially, are discouraged from showing too much affection. To be a man means to be strong and stoic and emotion is deemed a sign of weakness.

Adolescence is a time of self discovery and growing sexual awareness. As kids grow into teens they may seek sexual intimacy even when not emotionally ready because the need for touch is so strong. How many girls have had sex prematurely when all they really wanted was to be held? Compounding the problem, many parents will decrease physical contact with their teens because of fears of inappropriateness.

Maturing into adults we face a world that explodes with sexual images but discourages more than a friendly nod or a handshake in public. Sexuality is OK but intimacy is not.

The elderly, the disabled and the very ill, aka the "Untouchables", are at greatest risk of touch deprivation. Living in isolated homes, the elderly and the disabled often have limited mobility and fears of victimization may prevent their venturing out. People with a terminal illness like HIV may have very little contact with another human being due to inherent fears of the disease. Although not as fulfilling as human contact, a pet may provide the bonding and comfort needed.

Americans, especially, suffer from a lack of intimacy with each other. Following a research project on touch around the world, social scientists rated the United States and Great Britain among the lowest touch countries studied. The "warmer" high-touch countries included Spain, France, Italy, and Greece.

Tiffany Field, Director of Touch Research Institutes at the University of Miami, feels touch is essential to how we learn, feel and think. A study conducted by Field compared the interaction of mothers and their children at playgrounds and McDonalds in Miami and Paris. The Parisian mothers touched their children far more often than their American counterparts. In addition, the French children displayed much less aggression than the American children.

The power of touch pervades all areas of our society. Salesmen may use a light touch to influence a potential client into a sale. Waitresses have been found to receive larger tips if they subtly touch a patron.

But the most well known association to touch is healing. The bible often makes reference to the "laying on of hands" to heal the sick. The word surgeon has its roots in the Greek word kheirourgos meaning "hand healer".

The modern healing touch can be found in different types of body work including massage, rolfing or reike, among others. Therapeutic massage is the most well known and accepted method of healing sore and injured muscles, reducing pain as well as imparting a feeling of relaxation and good will to the client. People experiencing skin hunger may often seek out massage just to satisfy their craving for touch.

What has led us to be so touch deprived?

Four trends in our society take most of the blame:


The age of technology has allowed us to interact with others around the world via satellites and microchips but has dehumanized our daily lives. In a recent poll Americans rated the cell phone as the device they hate the most, but can't live without. We interact more with our time-saving devices than we do with each other.

Children of busy mothers may often be "surrounded by plastic". From the day care center to the home environment, infants are "contained" in car seats, strollers and playpens. When mom is too tired or busy to attend to them, children may be plunked in front of the electronic babysitter, the TV. Contrast this to the child who is held all day, snuggled close in a baby carrier, or has the opportunity to interact and play freely with his environment.

Disconnected lifestyles

Urbanization, two career families and the loss of the extended family have led us to isolation.

Husband and wives, caught up in work and family obligations, are often too exhausted to give each other the affection needed. A recent Newsweek cover story focused on the "so-called epidemic of low-sex or no sex marriages in America."1

We rarely know our neighbors or live close to parents and grandparents. We are suspicious of strangers and carefully guard our personal space when we meet new people. Only in small cities and towns in America do you find the connectedness and community needed to "keep in touch".

A Litigious Society
Touching someone can be a federal offense these days. With the new sexual harassment laws many people are afraid to extend a warm hug or a friendly touch. In addition, with the increase in child molestation, we must guard our children's safety and teach them the difference between good and bad touching. Unfortunately for our children, that means their caregivers must be especially guarded in showing them affection, even when appropriate.

The media

Relaxed morals in mass media portray an unrealistic view of sexuality and relationships which can lead to inappropriate behavior and desires. We want what we see on the silver screen even if it is unattainable, further feeding our skin hunger.

To touch is to be human. It makes us feel valued and cared for. However, everyone is not comfortable with being touched. Some cultures and religions forbid touching someone other than a family member. When first meeting someone, take a clue from how they react to others and you will know if it is OK to approach. Just a pat on the shoulder or a touch on the hand is a caring gesture.

Now that you know how important it is, "reach out and touch someone" today!