♥ How do you go from cuddling to sexual arousal without the usual sexual tension escalation?

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I wrote in I Get Turned On Just Cuddling that I get aroused with cuddling quite often. And I sometimes drip a bit of clear liquid from my penis, I suppose it's precum.

I also find that I am very sensitive to touch and when Sparkles really touches me in a soft way, and I'm talking non erotically, like on the chest or my back, several times I have experienced what feels like an orgasm almost, more of a low key rolling orgasm that is not accompanied by an erection or ejaculation. It's pretty cool actually.

BUT...

Interestingly enough, after this happens I have observed that the next few days I feel depressed, bla and sometimes unaccountably angry. I guess I used to feel this all the time after ejaculating but I wasn't conscious of it then.

So I will try to avoid going over the deep end when Sparkles touches me this way because I don't like the feelings that result afterwards at ALL. I find my interest in Sparkles dies off a bit until a few days later when I feel back to the "new normal" excited and wonderful feelings that I have now grown to love, that oxytocin wonderfulness, so to speak.

And this brings me to what I want to discuss and ask about.

How do you turn non-erotic type cuddling stuff into erotic sex in Karezza without introducing escalating sexual tension that I am used to in order to have sex "the old way"?

There seems to be, with Sparkles, a switch. The switch is set to "cuddling and non-arousal" or "arousal". There may not be such a switch and perhaps she'll respond differently as we go along, but that's what she believes right now, that there is such a (imaginary but nevertheless real) switch.

So the type of activity is "erotic" or "just cuddling" according to her and she gets concerned that I'll grow pushy when we cuddle and I get aroused.

But back to my question. When I first met Sparkles I had problems getting and maintaining an erection. I had to kind of find my manliness, my sense of masculine power and presence, in order to become erect. When I remained in the "cuddle zone" that didn't happen.

Now I find that it is difficult for me to believe that I can transition from cuddling to sex without that tension. I am willing to try it and believe it, but I'm not there yet and struggling to see how that works.

I hope this makes sense and that you can comment with your thoughts.

Comments

Are you both bothered by

Are you both bothered by your arousal during cuddling? I've concluded for now that when I finally find a cuddle buddy one of the ground rules is that we allow natural arousal to come and go as one of the many forms of open communication that sustains relationship. I don't see how a person can be present and also fighting their body at the same time.

Again, communication seems your path. You can get aroused and express your desires without pushing that on her. Her receptivity is her own business. I'm guessing she is reliving whatever pushiness she has experienced. Time heals. Bodies adjust.

What about containing that arousal without acting as a way of showing her that you do not need to be pushy?

Got ya. Seems like an

Got ya. Seems like an adjustment issue more than there being a particular method. What's wrong with the tension? Maybe holding it keeps it there and letting it flow would not.

I guess I'm anxious

We had PIV and I was mostly flaccid. I have been feeling anxious about having an erection and getting turned on and sort of switching modes.

Soft insertion worked and it was okay but I think I am anxious. I've felt this way before and eventually I realize for real that I have no control over my penis and it does its thing and I'm fine. Perhaps too much focus on thinking about it. Actually, strike the "perhaps."

Also it is possible that even though I wasn't into video porn, the fact that I masturbated to erotic stories for many years very consistently might mean that I'm in a sort of flatlining period. I stopped about 5 or 6 weeks ago.

Breasts~

It's all about the breasts for us, lol.

We can be peacefully napping/cuddling, but if I start to bring attention to my breasts (or if *he* slowly brings attention to my breasts), it can change things very quickly. And for my lover, when he touches my breasts and I am giving him energy through them, that will almost immediately cause him to have an erection. Which we find amazing.

This is all new for us and it has happened slowly over time as I have learned to cycle energy through them. But there is a moment when I suddenly feel myself open up to him and I want him inside of me~~and he can feel that moment as well. And he is usually more than *ready* for it. Smile

Rachel

~A heart that is open to appreciate every blessing should always be bigger than the eyes that see what is missing. ~Rumi

Breasts

Rachel,

When you say "... if I start to bring attention to my breasts (or if *he* slowly brings attention to my breasts),., ", do you mean you, or he, actually 'do' something, physically, or do you " bring attention" purely by thinking? 

Hi, Sood~

We can be lying together and I can bring the energy up through my vagina and out my breasts with my breathing and my mind~~and when I do that, I can feel my vagina open and pulsate. Sometimes I will touch my own nipples and sometimes he will (or he will use his mouth, one of my favorite things on earth).

What is so amazingly interesting is how my clitoris has lost its place as being a sexual button (for both of us). For me, finding out how intimately connected my breasts are to my vagina (and his arousal) has been nothing less than life-changing. They give him sexual energy and they make me want him. It's all good!

Rachel

~A heart that is open to appreciate every blessing should always be bigger than the eyes that see what is missing. ~Rumi

Thanks

Did you always 'know' this, or was it from reading Diana Richardson? My wife doesn't find the concept an easy one. She acknowledges that once she becomes aroused genitally, her breasts respond; but not the other way around. She far prefers genital 'attention', at least at the outset.

What I can't understand is why this should be a mystery to her, if it's 'hard wired' into women. Surely, everyone would have discovered it from touching their own breasts. Or is the breathing, and the conscious intention, key?

I have to tread carefully here, as I would like my wife to experiment with this, but I'm loath to suggest I know better than her how her body works.

Did not know this~

I did not know my breasts held such power until reading Diana's books. You would *think* we would know this from birth, and perhaps some women do, but I was not one of them. I think women are bound by the thinking that everything happens *outside* their bodies and until one learns to cultivate the energy from within, it's not going to happen for them. If only this were something our mothers would teach us!

It has made lovemaking 1000% more enjoyable for me (which means it's probably 10,000% more enjoyable for my lover, lol). I have no qualms about touching/squeezing my own nipples while we are making love (something I would have been too shy to do in the past). It turns the experience into something other-worldly for me. Perhaps my experience is now closer to what a man experiences?

Rachel

~A heart that is open to appreciate every blessing should always be bigger than the eyes that see what is missing. ~Rumi

Darn

I'm not able to watch any videos on my computer at the moment~~

Not sure what the connection is to what I posted? (I'm not thinking my way to orgasm, just feeling the lovely connection between my breasts and vagina)

Rachel

~A heart that is open to appreciate every blessing should always be bigger than the eyes that see what is missing. ~Rumi

Sorry...

It made me think of Diana's visualizations about energy flowing between breast and vagina. In other words...no sex toys or reliance on external foreplay.

Mothers

I don't know what my mother in law told her daughters but I'm sure it will have been along the lines of something having to be done to them before arousal could - should? - occur. I suppose mothers can only pass on what they have themselves experienced. My wife has a curious relationship with her breasts. She considers them objects of utility rather than anything else, and, having fulfilled their main purpose - feeding her children - they've become redundant. Too much attention from me brings on fears of renewed lactation (perfectly feasible, apparently) and cancer (unlikely, but difficult to repudiate). For the most part, I think she would rather we both forgot she had breasts; although, as I've said, once she becomes sufficiently aroused, they do come into their own.

I live for the day when she starts touching her own nipples and we get on course for that 1000/10,000 percent lovemaking boost!

Sood

We're working on this project, just for fun. My wife says when I play with her breasts (before she is aroused) she feels almost a nausea feeling. I think if she simply practices focused awareness a little bit, then a flood of sensations will begin.

To me, the fact that her sensations there are so loaded already, is a good sign. Has to be. My theory is she never "learned" this particular neural pleasure pathway.

Here's an example of how sensations can be re-interpreted and re-learned, from an experience last night.

She was acting a bit ticklish when I stroked her armpit and then I showed her that if she really puts awareness there, and I stroked it, it wasn't ticklish anymore (I realize this wouldn't work for many people who are terribly ticklish but it was mild for her and I felt it would work as an illustration of how the brain can consciously re-interpret touch, and she did experience it that way and was no longer ticklish there, at least last night.)

My wife has no preconceived breast fears I am aware of. I have always complemented her breasts and enjoyed making little positive jokes about them and she always appreciated that.

But, as long as I've known Sparkles, she has always said it "tickles" when I play with her breasts except when she is strongly aroused in which case she likes it.

But I think this is about to change.

I think she is starting to enjoy my attentions in this joint project and and seems more eager to see what might happen. It is a fun science experiment, I must say.

More about breasts~

For Sood and Emerson, Diana's book "Tantric Orgasm for Women" is *so* good and I wish all women could read and learn from it! Perhaps this book would make a nice Valentine's Day gift for your goddesses? I actually cried while reading it because it revealed so many truths about my past sexual experiences and also about the woman I had become (which I didn't like). I'm on my third reading of it and something new gets revealed to me each time. Something I finally "get" because I've experienced it since the last time I read it.

Just a few snippets from the book:

"As women get older (and numerous women have reported this to me), they frequently find themselves rejecting almost all touching of the breasts, particularly of the nipples. Breasts and nipples that once were gloriously receptive and alive, that loved to be touched and played with, slowly become hypersensitive and overcharged, or deadened. A form of repulsion sets in because the rightful place of breasts (in the role of awakening female sexual energy) is not granted to them. In time a woman's instinctive reaction is to turn away from the man's hands as they approach the vicinity of the breasts."

"Nipples have the ability to emit and radiate energy, making them similar to the head of the male penis...Nipples are extraordinarily, deliciously sensitive and should be treated with love and respect."

"Breasts access exquisitely delicate energies and surround a woman with the fragrance of femininity. Through the breasts the heart center is activated. In a sense a woman does not have to concern herself directly with the heart center. The heart opens as a by-product of the breasts becoming alive, and through this expansion of energy woman becomes increasingly loving, feminine, graceful, and elegant."

"Emotional injuries, heartbreaks, and childhood wounds also can create energetic shields across the positive pole. As first these tensions and repressed feelings can make it more difficult for a woman to feel into her breasts, until she learns to access the power lying within them. When a woman allows this magnetic phenomenon to come into play, she begins to truly enjoy sex~~sometimes for the first time. Not with the feeling of having to fulfill a duty, submitting and enduring it, but with a joyfulness that enables her to flower into a dancing sexual being."

"When breasts are pulsating with aliveness, the spontaneous overflowing of energy results in a vibrational resonance in the vagina, the opposite pole. Only when the vagina is vibrating in this magnetic response is it truly available for the beautiful event of penetration; it is truly sensitive and perceptive. A woman will experience a genuine *yes*, a deep willingness to make love, a willingness not only to yield and give in but to participate fully as an equal and opposite~~which changes everything, as if lifting sex to a higher octave."

I could go on and on, but I think you get the idea~~it's a beautiful book with a profound message for women and how they approach their own bodies and how to become a truly sexual being by accessing our inner energies and power.

Rachel

~A heart that is open to appreciate every blessing should always be bigger than the eyes that see what is missing. ~Rumi

You're welcome~

One more:

"When a woman is able to get herself into some semblance of inner "order," then a man can stop running around in sexual circles like a dog chasing its own tail. When a man experiences his energy being received by a woman, moving through the woman and thus through himself, his life is changed, something deep falls into place. He has been waiting for that moment all of his life."

I feel so blessed to have discovered her words and to find that I was open to try the things she suggests as it has changed the way I see the world, the man/woman connection, and how I feel while making love. Better late than never~~

Rachel

~A heart that is open to appreciate every blessing should always be bigger than the eyes that see what is missing. ~Rumi

Freedom

Freedom, I would say as it starts out, I can feel a clear link between my breasts/nipples and my vagina (I can actually feel warm fuzzies inside and lubrication starting to happen)~~but then there is just a moment where it feels like a door opens and I want him to walk inside *right then*~~and in turn, that makes him want to be inside *right then* lol.

I hope that answered your question?

Rachel

~A heart that is open to appreciate every blessing should always be bigger than the eyes that see what is missing. ~Rumi

No~

No, I wouldn't describe it as walking down a hallway. It's more like I am a house and I've opened the door to my beautiful guest and am saying, "Come on in!" lol.

I can't really tell you what happens if we delay in that moment because it has yet to happen~~I'll report back if it ever does! Smile

Rachel

~A heart that is open to appreciate every blessing should always be bigger than the eyes that see what is missing. ~Rumi

Hi Emerson,

I also do karezza with my partner. It's great and we bond but I have to confess the physical pleasure is also very interesting :D. I mean I almost always get aroused and stay aroused and hard for the whole session (eventhough we stopped with penetration and orgasm since the performing anxiety is still there). I never saw it as a problem althouhg I feel on the verge of orgasming a lot of times (and seen the precum too). I didn't see the bad effects afterwards though, in fact sometimes I went to work and thought about it anxious for the night to come.

What I did notice was that if we would caress in the genitals for few days ina row with long sessions of my penis hard, I would get no libido suddenly...that's what led me to try out another three months to get the anxiety off and give my brain some more time to heal. In your case it seems to be something else, and I don't know how to do karezza without the arousal voluntarily. I mean I get aroused most of the times, and when I don't, it's not because I odn't want to, if you know what I mean. You get aroused just by light touch outside of the genitals right? So gentle rubbing your back won't do the trick. Did you try looking in each other's eyes and just stare?Or that also takes you to heaven? Wink

In either case, and in spite of the effects the other days, great stuff to feel that for your partner heh? :)

Thanks Parcival

I'd like to add some of your remarks to the karezza blog.

if we would caress in the genitals for few days ina row with long sessions of my penis hard, I would get no libido suddenly

You mean without intercourse, right?

you said it!

[quote=Parcival]
In either case, and in spite of the effects the other days, great stuff to feel that for your partner heh? :)[/quote]

Yes, this is just amazing, I never dreamed of how profoundly I would feel for my partner or how I feel with intercourse. It is so amazing words cannot describe it.

(And yet after a few days of being aroused without PIV, just the touch and stuff that we are doing, leads to those "other days" where a lot of those feelings retreat temporarily. Again, I think you have pointed out a pattern that is very important.)

Most days though, are just amazing.

Hi Marnia,

Yes, no intercourse, just touching each other in the genitals and enjoying, one session lasted over an hour and always feeling the nice feelings, always hard...and then a few days later puff nothing, no libido, no erection. My gf mentioned that she didn't want to do it like that anymore since i was stopping her every few minutes or I would orgasm, and she thought that might be the same as edging? We didn't do that for a while now on a daily basis and we're trying different things, I'll keep you posted :).

Emerson

We often go from cuddling, or even just laying there talking, to the natural rise of sexual energy. Sometimes, Im like, "I think this is just going to be a cuddle day", and then next thing I know we're making love. Its an energy thing in the body. Its like our bodies call to each other. I think a lot of people come at arousal from the mind, but in my experience real sex is a converstation between bodies, and our bodies have their own language. You let the bodies do the talking.

I think another part of this is about coming into sync with each other. Its my observation that you and Sparkles have a ways to go. You guys are doing great with how you are exploring this new territory. Its such a rewiring of the circuits and it takes time, there's no rushing it. It appears she it still seeking safety and you need to continue to hold that space for her while managing your own arousal. You might want to set a mental time frame of around six months for all this rearranging to settle out. I think it helps to put the process in perspective and ease the anxiousness of wanting it all now. It seems you are a little over sexed and she is under sexed. Keep away from the orgasming and this will come into balance.

Thank you Darryl

Once again you have hit the mark and given me some priceless advice. The six month window is a great tool and one I'm adopting. I do agree with everything you've said here. And I love the conversation of bodies, the physicality rather than the mind arousal, makes perfect sense now that you've pointed it out.