Well, after lurking on YBOP and reuniting for going on 2 months now, I've decided I need to get on here and track my own progress and join my fellow warriors of this PMO bullshit. To keep this short, while still infomative, I will give you all a quick background of my habit. Like most, I discovered masturbation around 11 or 12. Very young, but it started off with images in sports illustarted and victorias secret. Soon, around 13 or 14, I started my porn escapades. I thought nothing of it as it had been portrayed as normal and many around me were doing it to. It did not seem bad. There were no reprocussions, no speculations, just a horny young teen looking to get off the most stimulating way he could find:Porn. I noticed strange things when I started having sex around age 18. I was completely flaccid and felt like not even a horsepill sized viagra could get me up. I blamed it on the heavy amount of alcohol i consumed. The next few times were strikingly similar. But all these instances had one thing in common: I was HIGHLY intoxicated. So I went about it as if it was all because of the alcohol and continued my habit unknowingly.
I am now 20, weeks away from 21. Last year, I landed the most important job of my life and everything has been on an uphill climb ever since. I have a 5 bed 3 bath house, competed in the mens health urbanathlon 2011, been on several trips, talked to many girls. I don't have a bad thing to say about me. I'm in incredible shape for my age, atheletic, confident, I play guitar extremely well, have many friends, can make anyone laugh and without just sounding outright cocky love myself. I can find one thing that I am missing in life and that is a meaningful relationship with a women. Masturbation I think has subliminally cut off my desire for feelings for a girl. It has been hard to develop an emotional attarction when all I can think about is if this girl looks like she is gonna suck and fuck me dry the way I like. But after these 53 days of abstinence I finally see what I've been missing and why.
Desensitization is a funny word. It really takes finding out you aren't pleased or aroused by something that used to, to know that you have desensitized yourself. It's not something you progressively feel. I had no idea I was addicted, had a problem, or even had given myself ED until I had no feeling at all. It feels like I just went from functioning to out of service. It took actually getting physical with a girl multiple times and failing each attempt to realize: "fuck, is there something wrong with me?"
But now I am here, I am motivated, I am educatued and I am prepared to keep chuggin along day by day. All of you on YBOP have helped my sanity and my over analytical head over the last month and a half. I thank you all.
Now hopefully that little bio filled you in enough to bring you here, day 53. I started my reboot because I had begun dating this girl who i knew sex was inevitable with. I began researching my newly discovered issue of ED and frantically searched for info, cures and just really anything that i could tie my problem together with. In short, YBOP was my wake up call and boy did I wake up.
I literally dropped eveything with no nostalgia, regret, nothing. Just made the decision to do, not try. I began my reboot.
Week 1- straight to flatline. no withdrawals, no noticeable symptoms, no cravings, no libido. dead dick.
Week 2-spark of libido, clearer thinking, increased attraction to girls, still dead dick.
Week 3-No cravings, no libido, just flatline.
Weeks 4- day 53- flatline, no symptoms, dead dick.
Now through the weeks, things got more intimate with my lady friend i'd been dating. kissing, fondling, undressing, week by week progressed towards the inevtiable: sex. I had to sack up and tell here about my issue. She understood completely and agreed to wait it out with me. It has made this process much easier.
But I also noticed while I appear to have dove straight into an intense flatline of no symptoms or cravings for these past 7 and a half weeks, I have been edging. Personally, I'm very compulsive. If I like something, I have to do it til I wear it out. Most are healthy like the gym, guitar, talking to girls, but then there are other smaller subtle thing like clicking home on facebook every 5 minutes at home bored or at work on lunch. To stem from that, I also believe that this behavior can be too stimulating for the brain on certain things. Especially a man in his reboot. I found that facebook, as innocent as it may seem, is a death sentence to someone who is recovering from watching videos or images and jackin off to them on a regular basis for years. I was talking to many girls I didn't know at the time and a lot of the conversations got very sexual. i found myself looking at picture after picture of these girls whether they were G rated or X. I don't even think I realized how obssesive I was getting with just looking at these images. I think I was edging because it led to a conversation with a girl that was just outright inappropriate. Pretty much sexting this girl. I got so horny and worked up that I ended up just touching myself in the shower to try to see if I could channel my high state of arousal into an erection which I had gona 52 days without. I ended up cumming 30 seconds in with a 20% erection. No chaser, no hangover, no changes in my perception of my progress really. Just felt like a released a massive amount of energy that quickly overflowed. I know this more than likely affected my recovery time but it is what it is and I happily move along.
At day 53, with very little signs of anything, not even withdrawal, sensitivity, or libido, I think I can arguably say that my ENTIRE reboot is a flatline. Hope to see some progress, because I would love to give this girl the sex she deserves.
I will be back on here to track my progress. I hope what I write can help others or encourage them to take the same steps I did.