What's going on in my brain now? I feel terrible and the only thing I can think of that's different right now is I'm feeling very aroused (perhaps I'm ovulating). I'm wanting to masturbate (since I'm lacking a partner) even more intensely the past couple of days, but have so far resisted - my motivation being that I'm expecting to see X in a week and want to be in 'good stable condition' for that. This is the first time I've cried for no obvious reason since I started onto this new path and I have no finger nails left to chew. Even though I'm keeping busy with my work (which I love), my child and my friends (who I love), I'm obsessing over X, reading over past emails and seeing the oh-so-obvious post orgasm relationship drama and the amygdala-fear-of-relationship-memory thing play out - it's comical in a way, but so sad. Although maybe it's sadder that I'm reading these emails.
I keep rehearsing in my mind how I would communicate with men I'm interested in about why conventional sex doesn't work (you know what I mean) and came up with a quirky scenario that someone here might enjoy: Imagine two people, a man and a woman that are really close friends. They have tons of shared interests, enjoy all kinds of things together, have great conversations about all kinds of intimate things, they laugh lots, feel great when they're together and then when they're apart and they experience something or have an interesting idea, they imagine talking about it with the other and can't wait to share it with them. Basically, they feel like their lives are much richer because of their friendship.
Now, take these two friends and stick them on some tiny island somewhere -and say, for the sake of moderating the effect of external factors in this experiment, it's a warm place, with great swimming, yummy tropical fruits and no scary creatures. Tell them they will be there for two months only. Give them both a dose of ecstasy (MDMA). Imagine what that might look like. When that runs out, and they haven't had time to recover, give one of them a bottle of Whiskey and the other a line of coke. Imagine what that might look like. Wait three days and repeat the experiment...Repeat again and again for one month. Give them both a sheet of paper and a pen and ask them to write a letter to the other about how they feel about their friendship.
Then wait a couple days and ask them whether they would like to continue with this experiment together on this beautiful island for the remainder of the month or spend that time locked in separate solitary confinement cells in a Texas penitentiary.