My struggle/withdrawal

Submitted by NoMoreOs on
Printer-friendly version

Hello everyone,

I'm 23 and have been battling sex addiction since before I discovered this site, achieving 1 and 2 week periods of celibacy and then falling back. After I discovered this site I had another week stint, slip up, and now I'm good to go for the long haul I think. The withdrawal symptoms are incredible, its incredible how real this is and how it MUST be an addiction if the symptoms are like this. Yesterday (day 12) I was all shakey and anxious and feeling fidgety like a crack addict, I layed down on my bed and just wrestled with my covers out of frustration, burying my head in the covers and mumbling incomprehensible gibberish while rocking back and forth. An hour later I felt better and I looked in the mirror, my eyes had become bright blue, normally they are a darker blue. My life feels totally different, I treat people differently, things are MUCH MUCH MUCH better socially for me now. Its easier to joke around with people at work. I'm becoming popular, thats how different things feel for me all of a sudden! I'm happy ALL DAY LONG instead of just for a few minutes each day.

Today I'm tormented by thoughts of a girl I knew 5 years ago. I wont elaborate because it doesnt bring anyone anything, it just amazes me how much sexual things can stick deep, deep in the mind. For all the seriousness with which my body commands me to desire and have sex with this woman, (I dont know her anymore, havent seen her in 5 years, final email contact 10 months ago), I think my body is literally insane or something. I've only seen three pictures of her in the last 5 years, still my brain wont leave me alone about her. I feel like I have to get this woman pregnant with my kids in order to fulfill some life destiny, which is so crazy, but thats what I feel my brain commands me to do. Why cant my brain just leave me alone about her and get interested in other girls etc? Meeting other girls is good but they never meet the standard compared to her, though I can get interested and possibly develop feelings for them. I have never felt anything so strong in my life for any other woman, yes I'm aware how pathetic it sounds. During the early withdrawal I had flashbacks of others girls I'd been with including a sexual dream that lasted all night, just never ending sex with the last girl I dated. Now that I'm almost free, on the home stretch so to speak, this horrible thing from my past comes up and it seems like it could swallow me alive. Alot of other people I bet don't even think she's that pretty. I so hope that one day I will be over this woman and stop having the fantasy about her that plagues me and makes me full of sadness and shame. (Sadness because she rejected me, shame because its not exactly wholesome to be thinking like this). If I ever forget my lust for this woman and wake up free from even the memory of it, I will be that much more happier!

Anyway, thats my rant. It had to go somewhere. Thanks for the website!

NoMoreOs

First of all--

Congratulations on all your progress - and your joyful connections with others. It's so wonderful to have you guys back in our lives as you awaken. *big hug*

Thanks for sharing your misery. I bet there's not one person here who hasn't had to struggle with the same kind of "ghost."

I'm thinking that if you GOT this woman back, you'd probably realize for sure that she was NOT after all, the key to your unending happiness. In fact, I can hear her now, "This guy is not in love with ME; he's in love with some IDEA of me." Genuine connections are best served by balance, rather than longings (sorry, Romeo and Juliet...but look what happened to you guys!). Small comfort, eh?

Meanwhile, she's a perfect symbol of the intense feelings of unfulfilled longing that is withdrawal. It sucks. And if she suddenly shows up in your livingroom, you'll just find something ELSE to yearn for hopelessly...until you are back in balance and, hopefully, nurturing someone else with all that delicious yang energy that you're storing up.

I recommend that you ask the Divine for help in seeing your connection with her differently. Sometimes I have had to do that, too, when some image or feeling keeps haunting me. I predict that some unexpected insight or event will show up that will truly bring you some comfort. And you may have to keep asking, as it may call for more than one insight to see her differently.

If you have a moment, could you add your withdrawal symptoms to this page? I agree with you that the misery of withdrawal is strong proof that our addiction mechanism is at work in our brains. I like to have the evidence handy, so other sufferers know that they are normal. http://www.reuniting.info/node/745

I realize that this is a

I realize that this is a zombie thread but the point above really strikes me and I feel compelled to add my two cent's worth.

In my dim, dark, past there was a young lady that absolutely captured my heart. I was so smitten that it affected my life for nearly a decade. I had dated her for a very short time when we were in our mid teens and nothing ever came of it. I don't think we even shook hands, not to mention kissing or other wild stuff. :) It was, truly, a few innocent dates between two adolescents. For the sake of this post I'll assign her the pseudonym of Henrietta.

Nonetheless, I held a long standing obsession with her. During my first marriage, every time there was a bit of trouble I would start to pine for Henrietta. I had a picture of her and would look at it longingly. At one point I thought of leaving my wife and moving to the city where Henrietta now lived, even though I hadn't spoken to her in years. It was the idea of Henrietta, not the substance. In retrospect it was asinine, but it sure felt real at the time.

Then I ran into Henrietta during a vacation and that triggered a very deep depressive episode. I took my frustration out on my poor wife by telling her she had ruined my life. It was very sick on my part.

The obsession came and went for a few years until I heard that Henrietta had gotten married. In a rare moment of sanity, I realized that she must love this man and that the only loving thing to do was to respect that marriage. That may have been the only truly loving gesture I ever made towards her because if you, indeed love someone, you want them to have the things in life that make them happy.

A few years later I heard that Henrietta had gotten divorced and I began to obsess about her one again. My own marriage was in its death throes and I imagined that as soon as I was no longer entangled in my marriage I would sweep good old Henrietta off her feet and into my life. Amazingly, at the moment the dust settled I thought about Henrietta for a moment and decided that there were very real reasons I wouldn't want her in my life. In an instant I stopped the fantasy. Once it became even somewhat feasible I ran in the opposite direction. I was never troubled again by thoughts of her.

Henrietta and I had some mutual friends and years later I happened to see a picture of her while visiting one of these friends. I hadn't thought about her for years but had to force myself not to stare at that picture. What can I say? The ruts of obsession can run deep in the brain.

Fortunately, I have never had another such obsession. I still see it as a cautionary tale of how we can deceive ourselves. With the advantage of hindsight I now know that there was nothing special about the relationship between us. We had a few things in common but nothing special. We were just two adolescents that were dipping a toe into the waters of romance. It should have been a sweet thing, a pleasant memory of the first steps in choosing a mate but, because of my foolishness, it is a bitter memory for me. I hope for her sake that she has forgotten all about it.

Thanks for sharing whats

Thanks for sharing whats occurring with you right now and know you are not alone. I understand this - the random urges from thoughts of former partners to the inclination to download/look at porn are pretty powerful. The confusion.... Its crazy how much this silly habit slowly turns into a monster which wreaks havoc on your life. But then again like the rest of us you are here which means you are already taking the steps to cleanse yourself of its nastiness.