Toughest step

Submitted by Aurelian on
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This begins my journey of getting back to "natural love". Porn has absolutely wrecked my intimate life and I have to get back on track. Since I have ADD the need for constant stimulation is intense and porn filled that need. Time to adjust. The first few days without the high provided by porn is precisely like withdrawl from a drug. I found myself actually in bed with a low growl resisting the pull to porn. This is by far the toughest thing I have ever had to do but I am going to succeed. I found the senses that respond to natural arousal have become dull through the substitution of a fantasy parallel reality. This reality has taken me over and I have to get rid of it and retrain my senses to respond to a woman without comaring the moment to some idealized world provided by porn. The withdrawl leaves you exhausted, ill, angry and confused. I am still going through it and I hope that this blog will provide an outlet when the addiction strikes. It is good to know that there are some pretty straight talking folks here and that helps alot.

I also am learning how to talk about this openly. This is also very tough for me to do. To open up a vulnerable part of you life to strangers is not fun but I have to get this load off. I can't carry it any more.

Comments

Thanks for sharing your struggles

It helps other recovering addicts who visit but aren't choosing to blog. Yes, the withdrawal is very tough.

Would you be kind enough to post what you've posted here (or at least part of it) on this page, too (see below)? It's helpful for people to see that they aren't alone in the types of symptoms they experience.

Here's the page: http://www.reuniting.info/node/745

I hope that someday this information can be used to get scientists and others to take more seriously the truth - that porn can create a physiological dependence just like other learning reinforcers (drugs, junk food, alcohol, etc.).

Such conviction in the face of such dispair

Hi Aurelian,
Welcome! So glad to read your post. You are facing down the enemy with conviction. Your integrity is going to get you through this. I hope we can all help steady you when you need us and the urges are strong or your resistance is weak.

I have a few bright experiences to share in response to your entry and I don't know why I have not shared them earlier. But the way you worded things really connected the dots for me.

You said [quote] I found the senses that respond to natural arousal have become dull through the substitution of a fantasy parallel reality. This reality has taken me over and I have to get rid of it and retrain my senses to respond to a woman without comaring the moment to some idealized world provided by porn. [/quote]

I felt the exact same thing! I was numb and dull! The "natural" world was "boring." I didn't want to quit because each day was "boring" and the porn was an easy excitement. I didn't interact with other because it took too much work, I had to think too hard and it was "boring." You hit it well by saying [quote] senses that respond to natural arousal have become dull [/quote]
They absolutely had! Extremely dulled. And I feared I did not have the depth of conviction to "re-train" them.

I stopped my porn addiction with the help of this site because it was killing me. I was pretty sure the world was dull and would continue to be that way, but I could not do it anymore.

What I found is that I did not have to [quote] retrain my senses to respond to a woman without comaring the moment to some idealized world provided by porn. [/quote]

It just happened! The world has more color. People are more interesting and less work - they feed me! Women are amazing! It's as if I had turned of the light and gotten used to it. I never left my room. The only excitement came through the computer and the images on it. When I would look away, the room was dark and dull. Boring you could say. So why would I want that? Well turning off the porn, allowed me to get up, walk through that dark room, and reach the light switch. When I turned it on - all the colors jumped out and were beautiful!

I know that's a stretch but it's pretty accurate.

I'm dating a woman now for the first time since quiting porn and masturbation. I was/am fearful as I move forward - but it's amazing! I am finding her so attractive, just as she is. She's in her 30's, has two kids, and an "average" body. Not fat. She takes care of herself. But she's not soft and supple and "perky" like the "fake" girls in the videos. But I find myself being more attracted to her "real" body than I ever could have been when I was using porn. I prefer it! If an 18 year old came over, got naked and offered herself to me now if I would leave the woman I am with - I would refuse flat-out and it would not even be a contest!

I never imagined that would happen and it is so exciting. The colors are back. The smells are back and everything is wonderful.

I'll blog more about my new relationship soon. But I wanted to share with you that the "retraining" happens by itself. All you have to do is be true to yourself and keep yourself off of porn for an extended period of time. To do that you need to stop orgasming. Totally. That gets easier the longer you do it. And eventually, when you least expect it, you will look around and realize that "the colors" are back in your life!

I'm so excited for you and so happy you reminded me of where I was and where I am now! It's a great journey because the destination is worth all the pain you are feeling now. ALL of it! So keep at it and keep writing.
-TLR

Isn't it exciting

to realize that all of these things - the darkness and the colors and the perceived beauty of your real goddess - are a perception game? That means it IS up to us which vision we want to operate on. We aren't at the mercy of urges. As our inner state shifts, our vision shifts. So maybe the metaphysics types are right - we shape our own "reality."

I also happen to think that some of those wonderful colors are due to the energy exchanged between sweethearts. Smile