Submitted by el_duderino on
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I'm not sure if this question has already been asked, but I was curious...How would you recommend a couple where either person has never had sex (both virgins) approach and/or implement this work in their relationship?

Thank you for your help.

This is a very important question

I'm working on a section for my new book that addresses this. Here's the draft. Is any of it helpful? If not, keep asking questions. Others on the forum are also dealing with this question, so maybe they will write you privately.

What if I’m with someone, but not ready for, or physically capable of, intercourse?

Companionship, laughing together, and any of the bonding behaviors in Chapter __ (that you feel comfortable with) can benefit you both. Affectionate contact is very nourishing, even without intercourse. [A list of these behaviors can be found at this post:]

As your sexual energy builds, remember to give it consciously to your partner, rather than simply surrendering to the whirlpool of pleasurable feelings (which increases sexual frustration). There are many ways to send your energy to your partner. Browse through the Exchanges or the Additional Activities in the back of the book to select those you like best, or create your own. A simple way to give your energy is to put your hand over your partner’s heart (or imagine doing so) and visualize your loving energy flowing to your partner through your hand. This should help you to stay centered while still enjoying your time together.

Affectionate contact with a sweetheart is very nurturing and centering, although casual sex is not. Unfortunately the destructive fallout from casual sex has helped to feed the myth that virginity until marriage will guarantee a happy marriage. Virginity can certainly ward off unplanned pregnancies and sexually transmitted disease. Yet Mother Nature does not respect marriage vows. She is likely to make one or both spouses restless in any relationship based on fertilization-driven sex. It may be more important to learn how to sidestep your subconscious mating program than to guard your virginity indefinitely.

I suspect it's easier to give up orgasms if one can just cuddle up with one's warm, loving partner. My sweetheart used to gently hold my penis without any sort of movement. It was VERY pleasant and soothing, and it took the edge off any uncomfortable horniness. I could easily drift off to sleep with a smile on my face.

Meanwhile, couples not yet ready for, or capable of, intercourse also have the raw materials for happy relationships. Openhearted, careful exchanges of affection can keep partners surprisingly content even without intercourse. Courtship is the ideal setting to allow fears of the other sex and of intimacy (which we all contract by virtue of time spent here on Planet Separation) to dissolve safely and slowly.

Some of the blissful experiences that lovers report with sacred sexuality are clearly independent of physical union. Bodies seem to be relevant because deep physical union can promote feelings of powerful emotional union. However, the profound experience of boundarylessness between bodies can happen even without genitals, and even with clothing. It is dependent upon a willingness to fall into a timeless state of oneness with each other. In this sense virginity and physical incapacity for intercourse are irrelevant to the experience of openhearted union.

The transition from conventional sexual union to sexual union as spiritual practice requires a partner who has the same goal. It also calls for thoughtful preparation because it’s so different from what we have taught ourselves. I learned the hard way that it is wise to begin without intercourse:

Elana and I got to know each other at a Cuddle Party,* where arousal is okay, but not the goal. Rather than rush into intercourse, we have spent the last three weeks exchanging lots of physical affection (ten occasions and four full nights together). Arousal is very much present, and we are both highly motivated to ride these wonderful waves of energy and to ride them as long as we can. We are finding that these are not the waves that either of us have experienced before. Very full heart, and big belly feelings now. It is as if we have moved over some threshold, moved through some curtain, or passed through some sort of portal into a world with unfamiliar rules.

Cuddling and non-goal oriented touch raise me to a height where I have a dramatically new point of view. The world I see is different. … More important to me, I feel myself entering a world where flow takes on real significance. I have long held the conviction that we live in an abundant world. Now I have the experience that this is so. My business is taking off, too.