Submitted by khora on
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thank you for your wonderful site

i just wanted to share my story – it's a great support for me just to write it down here, in a space at the same time public and intimate and safe and supportive.

i'm 23 now. i am recovering from a long period of excessive masturbation. those years were a mix of different feelings about sexuality – the urge to masturbate, the desire to have sex with someone and, at the same time, a rejection of the traditional way of relating, which would have allowed me to have sex.

what i have always wanted was a deep and caring connection with someone – a person who would be regarded neither as a sexual object, nor as a lover. when i was 15, i discovered osho's teachings about tantra – a more improvisatory approach than traditional tantra, and, at the same time, a vision about relationships very close to my own. since then, i have read much about forms of tantra, karezza, different 'non-conventional' approaches to sexuality. and, ironically, i was masturbating at that time. dreaming about non-orgasmic sex and, at the same time, seeking orgasm by myself. my habit of masturbation provoked premature ejaculation. in masturbation, i was focusing only on my own gratification – and, although this is so sad, that kind of gratification can be obtained very quickly.

with time, my readings shifted from tantra to arab traditions of celibate, to fedeli d'amore and troubadours, and also to neo-platonism – as my interests became more 'western' – not enlightenment, but philosophy and hermeneutics:)

it felt pretty natural for me to separate sexuality from sensuality – touching, caressing, kissing and so on – and from non-erotic touch, such as hugging. i was somehow afraid of sex – because of my ejaculation problem. but i was not devoid of pleasurable physical contact. with people who enjoyed it. and we were practicing some taoist techniques – not m. chia's type, but something from a more obscure taoist sect a friend of mine was shortly involved with.

later, i discovered the asexual community and briefly identified myself as one.

during a visit to a very dear friend of mine, who is a monk now, we talked about my feelings toward sexuality. he explained to me how my masturbation is a sign of loneliness and despair and he told me that to masturbate means cutting off the bridges to another human being, bridges that love brings. this wasn't the typical religious discourse on masturbation – and i promised him i won't masturbate any more. i had a few slips, but i am recovering from that addiction – and i have been 'clean' for almost 4 months now.

at the same time, i talked to a girl-friend of mine about my problem with being involved in a romantic relationship – the possessivity that appears, the clearly set-up roles, the responsibility that each one takes – and we agreed to experiment on ourselves how sex would change our friendship. and that day she gave me oral sex. afterwards, she told me she had an orgasm problem – she told me she had orgasm only once during intercourse. i decided to 'help' her – i had read much about sex, and saw porn, so i was able to give her an orgasm, by a mix of masturbation and oral sex. and this created a bond between us – she became very attached to me, our friendship was gone, and i decided we should stop this relationship. there was no more sexual activity between us, except those 2 episodes. she had a depression after our breakup, and i had to use all my counselling skills to help her. eventually, she recovered. and decided not to engage any more in 'sex with friends' and, at the same time, i dreamt about finding someone who would be something else than a friend, someone i could engage in a different relationship, someone who wouldn't be just 'the body i sleep with', but also 'the body i listen to' or 'the body i caress'.

after some time, my relationship with an old friend of mine became very near to what i was dreaming about. she had told me that she was in love with me an year ago – and told me about the sexual fantasies she had with me – but we never thought of ourselves as 'being involved with each other'. we talked a lot, hugged, touched each other – but no kisses and no intercourse. eventually, she left the country, and i don't know if she's coming back.

and i also have another relationship – very dear to me – with a person i only saw once, two years ago, and chat with almost every night on ym – and that relationship seems very close to the medieval fedeli d'amore or troubadours:) the same intense relationship with someone you don't know if you'll ever see. she lives in another country – and i don't know if i want to go there, and she definitely doesn't want to come in my country.

and now i found your website:)

and i think that if it is meant for me to be with someone, our relationship will be something close to what you are talking about.

thank you again

sorry for my eventual english mistakes – english is not my native tongue


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Thanks for sharing your experience. Sounds very typical. As we've lost our close companionship and sensual touch (more and more through history), it's no wonder so many of us have sought self-stimulation (not just through masturbation, but also the compulsive use of a lot of other "rewarding" stimulants).

It's not masturbation that's the problem, but the isolation. Here we sit, surrounded by billions of "solutions" to our problem...and yet we've made it increasingly difficult to connect with each part because of the pain we cause through over-stimulating each other when we *do* get together. That experience you had when you "helped" your friend is a perfect example. *sigh* It led to separation, and a loss of comfort between you, even though it seemed like a good idea at the time. How many times I have made the same mistake! Smile

Anyway, it's great to have you here.