I have come to the realisation that for a long time, our societies have been preaching a great lie about sex and the act of generation between man and woman. It is a great lie, but a very subtle and unconscious one that has been reinforced in our psyche. This is primarily that of the male psyche, as well as prescribed by those who desire power and control and aggression.
In sex, man has been taught to approach woman in a controlling and dominating fashion. He is encouraged to make love 'to' her rather than 'with' her. Any thing he 'gets' from the woman is what he can take and is a bonus, rather than a mutual give-receive connection. The longer he enjoys her, pushes into her with an ego-driven authoritative lust and makes her quiver with orgasmic submission; the more he re-asserts his own sense of ego and 'masculinity'. She herself becomes selfish and more lustful as she becomes conditioned to wanting to be treated almost like a child; with orgasmic sex the end....she becomes more agitated and demanding of more and more sex and more orgasms to silence this 'need' she has. The real 'need' of course being mutual union - the 'one flesh' reality that all the true spiritual paths preach. Man behind his socially-enforced conscious wants this too; but in him as been wrought a dark egoist desire to possess woman. Woman are to be 'fucked'; not loved.
The reality is of course...is that men are restless and the most in-need. Their subtle purpose in life has been distorted by long institutions that enforce it. In reality, the strength of men is to protect but also to support women as EQUAL partners. It is not a strength to dominate, but to put into use. Women's powers lie in her grace, her creative insight and her nourishing energy that makes everything possible as well as of course contributes the feminine aspect that keeps the world in a state of balance. To be equal is not for men and women to become the same; but to realise each others' complementary qualities that differ but are equally important.
The problem is that when a man loves a woman; a lot of this love and the desire for 'one-ness' degrades into selfish possessive emotionality which also influences the woman. This happens after copulation; with the orgasmic focus creating a potential demonic level of psycho-somatic suppressed energy in both genders which eventually is released (to varying degrees) in the form of arguments, irrational statements, restlessness, crying, aggressive sexual intercourse and even violence and self-harm in extreme cases. The 'wanting' overcomes both genders and this carries on into intimacy where excitement and expectance overtake the mind rather than both remaining present in the act of union. When the man enters the woman it becomes a frustrated drive towards orgasm, and for the woman....it often becomes the same; but crucially...submissive. Our society teaches man to excite her clitoris or her g-spot; when in reality such potrusions are more subtle and to apply pressure on these organs will only agitate the energies that travel through these nerve channels. The clitoris is analogus to the penis; and it has a subtle symbolic and functional meaning which I will not discuss here. All I will say is that it is a distraction and to 'excite' it is a path to emotional ruin. The g-spot too...another distraction of the orgasmic-lie that has been taught to us - analagous to the male prostate; it actually is related to the fluid and blood that builds in the vaginal tissue to help prevent urination during sex. Stimulating such an area is only likely to agitate it, and eventually force it to release said build-up of excited energy. In fact, any orgasm that the body experiences...moreso in a woman...is the nerve-channel 'release' of excited, emotionally expectant and selfish energy that should not have built-up in those regions in the first place. Kind of a psycho-somatic response or an attempt to push-out those energies that impinge the gentle and subtle flow of womens energies out of their body.
So how should one replace sex? Well...with love and being now. This is NOT my idea, and neither is it new either. But it has been covered up, distorted and misinterpreted or construed by many. Even arousal; the idea that women neccessarily need to be exclusively given attention to by the man is also a lie. This too should be a mutual affair, of gentle caressing on both parties and of gentle kissing and hugging. Mutual breathing and focussing on each other's sexual organs will get both the man and woman aroused with equal response time. What is crucial however, is this arousal is an entirely different sort of arosual. It is not the conventional arousal of 'wanting' or 'excitement' or 'expectance'. It is an arousal of selfless passion; the desire to connect, the desire to give, the desire to receive....all rolled into one perplexing and subtle dynamic current of mutual energy and electricity. The 'current' between lovers who have meditative sex can become so powerful that it is possible for them to leave their physical bodies and travel upwards to the higher astral realms. Oxytocin of course will increase; but this is not just about the changing in the nature of body chemicals (although this has clearly been demonstrated as important!) - its about being present and connecting with the principal that is reflected in each other. It is NOT an easy task; the mind must be continuosly guarded against and the focus must be on the union. Distractions can even involve focusing on energy or pleasure in certain parts of the body, desire to make movements, to become submissive or dominant, etc. Each member of the couple is acting as a warrior against their own ego during this connection; perhaps the man moreso because of his greater need and restlessness in his situation.
The principles that I have briefly described are mentioned in books by those who espouse Karezza as well as some forms of Tantric union that do not involve the conventional neo-tantric distraction of focussing on orgasms. The goal is not physical pleasure; but a psycho-spiritual union where both man and woman become 'garments' for each other as the Holy Quran states. Become One; and know thy Lord.