I decided to do an experiment this weekend. I decided to have an orgasm with a partner and see if it was different than having one alone.
I had an orgasm during a blissful, delicious morning of lovemaking on Saturday. We spent a couple of hours talking and touching each other. There is a mirror on the wall near his bed, and I found myself entranced by the contrast of his tanned brown hands on my white skin. He talks to me about how I feel to him, how I look, how comforting it is to touch me and be touched. That might have been one of the more amazing orgasms of my entire life.....but it is proving to be costly. Didn't much notice anything amiss until my guy wanted to take a short nap yesterday and I discovered I couldn't lie still next to him, even though he asked me to, even though he told me it was lying next to me and touching me that made him so drowsy and content. I was restless and fidgety and a bit more emotionally labile than usual. I was ready to write it off to hormones until last evening. He came in to say goodnight, and when he left I was hit by a tidal wave of libido I can't even explain. I DID NOT LIKE THE WAY IT MADE ME FEEL. I felt like an animal in heat, like I had no control over my desire....which was, no doubt, exactly what Mother Nature intended. I felt very grasping and clingy, and found myself objectifying him. To put it bluntly, he didn't look like the lovely man I have been coming to know, he looked like "food". I didn't like that either. From the moment we met, this man has never been anything but a tender, respectful person of integrity with me. He deserves better, and so do I.
I am happy, for Gary and Marnia's scientific data gathering, to report that I behaved predictably; "this is your brain on drugs, any questions?" I am also a bit distressed by the way I am feeling....I remember this. I didn't like it before, either, but didn't know what it was. I thought it was relational crap, but now that I have some education and a framework in which to examine it, I see it was neurochemical crap, which I am now certain, contributed to the relational crap.
Still, I find some comfort in knowing what it is and that I have a set of detailed instructions that will guide me out of it.
Hugs with crocodile tears to you, Marnia and Gary.
I got up out of bed last night and wrote him an email, attaching a couple of articles Marnia recommended, and told him that while I desire to be connected and close, no more orgasms for me, thank you very much.
He's got some shifting to do around the idea that lovemaking is not satisfying for me unless I have an orgasm, and sorting out any feelings of inadequacy he might have as a result.
I want to offer a blanket amends to all of you men out there who have had it pounded into your heads that an orgasm is the only thing that satisfies a woman, and you are not any kind of man unless you bring us to orgasm. This woman humbly begs your pardon. That is grossly erroneous information, and has caused us all immeasurable strife.
After my recent experience, I can safely say that if I could go back and re-experience Saturday morning, I'd do it all exactly the same, except that one little thing at the very end. "I'll have the Saturday morning buffet, hold the orgasm."
I'll be back with other observations. I want to take a good, hard look at this next few weeks...and hope that the next time I am tempted, it will help remind me how unpleasant this part is.
I find myself feeling a bit of sadness this morning; I feel like I somehow dishonored or disrupted the beautiful gift I had been experiencing for the past week. I don't want to do that again.