Hold the orgasm, please

Submitted by Persephone on
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I decided to do an experiment this weekend. I decided to have an orgasm with a partner and see if it was different than having one alone.
I had an orgasm during a blissful, delicious morning of lovemaking on Saturday. We spent a couple of hours talking and touching each other. There is a mirror on the wall near his bed, and I found myself entranced by the contrast of his tanned brown hands on my white skin. He talks to me about how I feel to him, how I look, how comforting it is to touch me and be touched. That might have been one of the more amazing orgasms of my entire life.....but it is proving to be costly. Didn't much notice anything amiss until my guy wanted to take a short nap yesterday and I discovered I couldn't lie still next to him, even though he asked me to, even though he told me it was lying next to me and touching me that made him so drowsy and content. I was restless and fidgety and a bit more emotionally labile than usual. I was ready to write it off to hormones until last evening. He came in to say goodnight, and when he left I was hit by a tidal wave of libido I can't even explain. I DID NOT LIKE THE WAY IT MADE ME FEEL. I felt like an animal in heat, like I had no control over my desire....which was, no doubt, exactly what Mother Nature intended. I felt very grasping and clingy, and found myself objectifying him. To put it bluntly, he didn't look like the lovely man I have been coming to know, he looked like "food". I didn't like that either. From the moment we met, this man has never been anything but a tender, respectful person of integrity with me. He deserves better, and so do I.
I am happy, for Gary and Marnia's scientific data gathering, to report that I behaved predictably; "this is your brain on drugs, any questions?" I am also a bit distressed by the way I am feeling....I remember this. I didn't like it before, either, but didn't know what it was. I thought it was relational crap, but now that I have some education and a framework in which to examine it, I see it was neurochemical crap, which I am now certain, contributed to the relational crap.
Still, I find some comfort in knowing what it is and that I have a set of detailed instructions that will guide me out of it.
Hugs with crocodile tears to you, Marnia and Gary.

I got up out of bed last night and wrote him an email, attaching a couple of articles Marnia recommended, and told him that while I desire to be connected and close, no more orgasms for me, thank you very much.
He's got some shifting to do around the idea that lovemaking is not satisfying for me unless I have an orgasm, and sorting out any feelings of inadequacy he might have as a result.
I want to offer a blanket amends to all of you men out there who have had it pounded into your heads that an orgasm is the only thing that satisfies a woman, and you are not any kind of man unless you bring us to orgasm. This woman humbly begs your pardon. That is grossly erroneous information, and has caused us all immeasurable strife.

After my recent experience, I can safely say that if I could go back and re-experience Saturday morning, I'd do it all exactly the same, except that one little thing at the very end. "I'll have the Saturday morning buffet, hold the orgasm."
I'll be back with other observations. I want to take a good, hard look at this next few weeks...and hope that the next time I am tempted, it will help remind me how unpleasant this part is.
I find myself feeling a bit of sadness this morning; I feel like I somehow dishonored or disrupted the beautiful gift I had been experiencing for the past week. I don't want to do that again.

Comments

You are a scientist

even if you didn't know it, by doing that experiment, attempting to confirm what Marnia has written about, observing and reporting the results. Thank you for undertaking that dangerous experiment to help advance human knowledge. It's valuable to have independent confirmation of Marnia's theories.

Assuming he had an orgasm too, your partner probably has and will be feeling some of the same things - horniness, "objectifying" you, and so on. Since he's probably not used to the idea that orgasms are the same as taking a hit of an addictive drug, it's up to you to explain that to him and help him get over the after-effects of the orgasm. I see that you are doing that. Good.
[quote=Persephone]He's got some shifting to do around the idea that lovemaking is not satisfying for me unless I have an orgasm, and sorting out any feelings of inadequacy he might have as a result.
After my recent experience, I can safely say that if I could go back and re-experience Saturday morning, I'd do it all exactly the same, except that one little thing at the very end. "I'll have the Saturday morning buffet, hold the orgasm."
...I want to offer a blanket amends to all of you men out there who have had it pounded into your heads that an orgasm is the only thing that satisfies a woman, and you are not any kind of man unless you bring us to orgasm. This woman humbly begs your pardon. That is grossly erroneous information, and has caused us all immeasurable strife.[/quote]
The things you are saying in your post are exactly the things he needs to hear.

Actually, he may be happy to be relieved of the "responsibility" of bringing you to orgasm. (I certainly am, for my relationship!)

Is he interested in trying forgoing orgasms for himself? If not, see my suggestions for Mocattu at http://www.reuniting.info/node/1404.

No apology necessary! "Sex" is so hyped in our society, and somehow most of us assume that the orgasm is the best part of that experience. How could any of us have known that that maraschino cherry (the orgasm) on top of the chocolate pudding (the rest of lovemaking and intimate connection) had a drop of poison in it?

[quote=Persephone]I find myself feeling a bit of sadness this morning; I feel like I somehow dishonored or disrupted the beautiful gift I had been experiencing for the past week. I don't want to do that again.[/quote]

I understand. I expect that practicing the bonding behaviors will help you alleviate and get over those feelings.

Thank you very much for sharing your experience.

Dangerous experiment

Well, it was a "dangerous experiment"; last night, after an unpleasant exchange full of misunderstanding, we decided to take a step back and not be sexual with each other at all right now.
I was very open about feeling that my recent orgasm had something to do with my feeling so out of possession of myself. He had a sleepless night followed by a "bad" day, and was feeling angry, lost, and in despair yesterday. He would not hear of any possibility of connecting recent orgasmic sex with the way he was feeling.
There are a lot of other things going on for him, lots of life issues old and new, and I am happy to step back and give him some space to walk through them, especially since he confessed to feeling a bit overwhelmed.
Though it has been very brief, I have learned a valuable lesson experientially; can't imagine it will be necessary for me to repeat that one. I don't ever want to feel like that again.
Now, in the midst of trying to regain some balance in my brain chemistry, I am also dealing with the ups and downs of the changes in this relationship---at a time when I feel least capable of doing that rationally. I am moving forward an inch at a time, being as honest and kind as I can.
We'll see what happens.
At the end of the day, I feel like I "took one for the team", validated some research and my own experience, and learned a lot from it.
The next time a sexual partnership is on the horizon, I will have this very concrete information to draw from.

Persephone

Thanks for sharing the bruises

At the risk of being labeled a "fixer," Wink I will just make this suggestion: Try not to make any judgments about him or the relationship for the next two weeks. Don't burn any bridges. If there are quiet ways to engage in non-sexual bonding behaviors, use them to good advantage to soothe him (it will soothe you, too). The angel you saw is still there...behind a temporary cloud of mutual misperceptions.

The fact that he won't "hear of" this theory just now is absolutely *normal*. Give him time, and he may put it all together. Or not.

His common reaction is one reason that I urge people to have a potential lover read an entire book on the subject first ( "The Karezza Method" is good, if PBTS isn't available)...so they have someone (else) to project all their resistance onto...and more importantly, time to think...without relationship intoxication in the mix.

This is a reason that I don't know if CF's ideas will work. His open mind is the key ingredient in his own progress...and that's a rare commodity!

Meanwhile, Persephone, don't "believe" anything you see on your 3-D screen for the next two weeks. The time to assess the damage is after the neurochemical tsunami has subsided. Wink

Tsunami

Perfect analogy, "tsunami", since I work in emergency preparedness.....following that thread of thought, I have to wonder why we plan ahead for hurricanes, but no one is getting any ambulance teams ready for "Hurricane Dopamine".
Pity, that. I could really use a field medical station right now Wink
I hear you, Marnia, you little fixer-upper, you, and am willing to see how I feel in two weeks, but only to see how I feel about him as a roommate, and not a lover or intimate partner.
I have a fairly forgiving nature, but what was said to me a few hours ago by this man.....no way I am prepared to believe that was all neurochemistry. I think our recent respective dopamine benders may have allowed deeper underlying issues to come to the surface, and that's okay. This is something I have experienced before. Yes, the changes in my brain post-orgasm are dramatic, and I have a whole new respect for that right now, but the bridges are already alight....
Persephone