Day 4 Tsunami Recovery

Submitted by Persephone on
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I feel better this morning. I turned off the sound of ocean waves on my alarm, closed my eyes and prayed to be peaceful and productive today.
I made some tea, then read an email from a beloved friend, and while I was in the shower, pondered the fact that I have never been much good at learning from others' experiences---until after the fact. Call me willful, call me stupid---either would apply, but things just don't soak deeply into me and become a part of who I am until I know them experientially. In addition to that, I am hungry-----not for thrills or ups and downs, but for the deepest, truest knowing of myself and whatever God is that I can manage.
I have been playing in the dopamine amusement park all of my life, but I was doing it with a blindfold on, earplugs in, mittens on my hands, a clothespin on my nose and duct tape on my mouth.
This time, I GOT IT. I was wide awake. I had my lab coat on. I had my clipboard, my mechanical pencils, plenty of lead, and I am recording it for posterity. (Thanks for the 'scientist' thread, CF. Mad Scientist, perhaps...)
I experienced the ecstasy of feeling more at home in my body than I ever remember being; no judgment, no self-consciousness. I know what it feels like to be with someone and not be driven by a biological imperative, but just to surrender to closeness and sensation, to float effortlessly, to feel my brain and nervous system slow down and reach equilibrium. I remembered, deep in my bones, heart, brain, the sanctity of touch.
I experienced the agony of being inhabited by a ravenous thing trying to claw its way out of me, disrupting my thought patterns, throwing my emotions all over the place, making me feel like I was not in possession of myself, like I couldn't get a grip on who I was. I experienced looking at the face of someone I felt great affection for and seeing them as 'food', and now, hearing his breathing on the other side of the wall behind me, feeling like I don't ever want to be touched or held by him again.
I don't know what it will look like in another ten days, but you can believe I am paying exquisitely close attention.
On a different but certainly related note, since I don't believe in any separation in body/mind/spirit, Saturday afternoon I was walking out to the garage to put a load of laundry in, and missed the bottom step. I landed hard on my left ankle. I've navigated that small step so many times in the dark, I can't count. This was in broad daylight, there was nothing in the way, nothing on the steps...including me!
For those of you who know Louise Hay and her metaphysical causes of physical ailments, she says that ankles are about mobility. Swelling is about clogged ideas, bruises are about self punishment. To take a more Jungian approach, I made a misstep. Maybe leaped without looking. I didn't consider what was ahead of me. I landed badly Wink I wasn't being careful of myself.....it caused me discomfort and inconvenience....but it also slowed me down.
I DON'T EVER WANT TO DO THAT AGAIN.
Truth be told, if I got to choose, I would much rather wrench my ankle than feel the internal disruption I have felt the past several days.
I don't think I could recommend my processes to anyone else, but they seem to work for me, and each time I throw myself out into the Universe with wild abandon, I am reminded, gently or not so gently according to the need, of God's infinite, merciful willingness to catch me, time and time again. I am reminded that I will never get it done, and may never get it right, but if I keep showing up, paying attention and being as True as I can, I can at least do it better.

Comments

Upon reflection,

I don't think anyone will learn this...except the way you are. I certainly didn't learn it the easy way either. I do hate to see people bruised "unnecessarily," but maybe these bruises are some of the most essential ones any of us can sustain...once we have our lab coats on.

Thanks for your courage, and willingness to share.

Water under the burning bridge

I reached out to my roommate this morning from a tender place, trying to open things up for healing. I sent an email saying I didn't want to live in a deep freeze, and offered to try to reconnect with him. A friend said it might be too soon....she was right.
After the excoriating reply I received, I think it probable that this is all water under the burning bridge now.
Regarding 'unnecessary' bruises...I am reminded of a sign outside a chiropractic clinic in Raytown Missouri, where I once lived. I drove past this sign almost daily, and it always gave me pause. It said, in capital letters, "ARE YOU SUFFERING NEEDLESSLY?" I checked in with myself when I saw it, and most of the time, my response was, "No, actually, I'm suffering productively." It was a little tap on the shoulder, allowing me to ask myself if I was having growing pains from learning, expanding, moving on, or whether I was stuck and wallowing.
This is like that. No 'needless' suffering here. I do not have a broken heart over this. I'm not angry, I'm not even particularly sad. Humbled, perhaps, with a deep respect for the powerful impact my brain can have on me.
I know I will walk away with a priceless gift. I don't know whether he will or not, but that is neither up to me or any of my business.

Persephone

Yikes!

After reading this thread, I don't think I will ever want to have another orgasm.

Thanks for the update, Persephone.