I've been thinking about the "Intimacy Sabotaging Device" that Marnia talks about in "Peace". As Marnia describes it, it's a part of our mind that tells us to be afraid of open-hearted love and intimacy because it leaves us open to being hurt.
I seem to be in the beginning stages of my first romantic relationship that I've been in since having read "Peace". I feel like the book has opened my eyes to aspects of relationships between the sexes that had gone unnoticed in the past.
As for myself, I have suffered in the past from years of negative sexual attitudes and negative relationships. As you can see in my previous post "Biological Self", my intimacy sabotaging device was letting me have it with both barrels last time I was spending time with her. I still have a fearful, uneasy feeling in the back of my mind when I think about her sometimes, but I believe that it's just my intimacy sabotaging device talking. It's entirely possible that I could be hurt in this relationship, but that's always a possibility.
Anyhow, one thing that I've noticed is that as my feelings toward her have intensified, the noise from the intimacy sabotaging device (ISD) is getting a bit louder. I just sent her a mushy letter and the ISD is, of course, telling me that I shouldn't have done it.
Actually practicing this concept of loving someone with an open heart instead of just following my instincts and impulses is quite frightening. I expected it to be easier, but so far, I have not wavered. I have talked to several close associates about this, and they think that there's nothing wrong with doing the instinctive way and that I'm just being silly. There is the fear of failure, the fear of embarrassment, the fear of being hurt, and so on.
I was just getting to my question, but I seem to have gone off on a tangent. One thing that I've noticed that Marnia didn't touch on in "Peace" is that it seems that the most powerful trigger of the ISD is the sight and touch of my lady-friend. I feel one way when I think about her with the ISD in the background, but last time I was with her, I felt as if the ISD was *screaming* at me. So what am I going to do? Stay the course! This is a path that I've never walked before, so all I have are the words of those who have gone before me, and for now, those words will have to suffice.
My question is, "Is the sight and touch of a lover usually the most potent trigger of the ISD, or is it thinking about past relationships or some other trigger?" Furthermore, how long should I expect to have to hear these negative thoughts coming from my own mind?
I'm feeling a bit overwhelmed!