Complete Disaster (Please Help)

Submitted by Frank on
Printer-friendly version

No, this is not related to my girlfriend adventure... (Susan, it very strongly seems to me, is not interested in me, but that's for some other day's discussion)

Yesterday I felt some sexual attraction patterns return to my mind. I did try to do some transmutation yesterday, but not to much avail. Today, I ended up ejaculating.

Absolute disaster. I've been trying for over two weeks to get out of that crap... and I was through with the two-weeks-of-no-orgasm. I had been trying to inculcate some positive ways of looking at women -- as sweet, helpful, caring, sensitive, kind, supportive -- yet somehow it all broke and those sexual patterns came up again. I hate myself.

I have no idea how to get over these patterns. Every day I find myself hoping that I won't be attacked by them. I feel completely out of control. It was so easy to get into the addiction...

The bigger, much bigger problem here is that there is this very inert apathy inside that simply ignores such horrible events... somehow that part of me cannot realize that some things could end up so horrible. It's like, logically I know that something really bad could happen if I do something bad, but then there's no emotional push to avoid doing that bad thing. Sometimes there's a rather evil tendency (to knowingly do some crap), and more often there's complete apathy, a denial and ignorance of it all, not wishing to discover how things could go horribly wrong (I'm not talking only about the addiction, it's also about other things, like academics, driving on the streets, etc.)

Now if you ask me how I got into that positive state of attraction to women in the first place (when I began with my recent girlfriend adventures), I have to admit that I really don't know. I really don't know. It's like it just happened to me... and so I had to push myself a bit to get moving faster into the flow, but what got me into the flow in the first place is very much unknown to me and hence I cannot immediately replicate it now. And besides, even if I could, I always find that my emotions are simply way out of sync with what my common sense informs me... as I said, there's either apathy or an evil tendency that is prevalent on the part of emotions.

I guess that that gives you a picture accurate enough. My parents have been working so hard for me for the past so many years, they've tried to give me the best opportunities they could, and yet, because of my crappy decisions, I've made a complete fiasco of it. It's been really frustrating, and plus there's that apathy which I find so hard to get out of. I'm stuck.

I would really appreciate advice here.

With gratitude for your patience,
Frank

My bubble burst last night also..

If you read my blog from today you see that I have some of the same problems "another one bites the dust"

What I found with myself is that this apathy and what you call "evil tendency" did get better when I didn't ejaculate. I didn't really realise how much better things were before after I had masturbated and things got much worse again. I masturbated three times before I managed to restrain myself... Today I am more depressed there is more apathy and all I really wanna do is watch porn and masturbate. Before I lost control it wasn't this bad, I got horny but not this kind of horny. It was a little "purer" in a way but not pure enough to keep me from surrendering myself to fantasy and bodily pleasure obviously. BUT knowing how only six days helped for me there surely must be hope that this thing eventually gets easier. Maybe not easy, but a whole lot easier I'm sure!

What transmutation exercises are you doing? I found this one "S.Biel's Fire and Water Technique" quite helpfull in calming the peaks of sexual desire. If i did it when I felt I started to get horny it kinda put on the brakes.

Hope the best for you man, if you give up give me a call and we can start a porn production company instead. Wink

Better and better every time! Wink

Hi Frank (and S-R)

First, know that from my perspective, you are a normal kid going through normal challenges. That being said, not all humans are alike, and some no doubt arrive on the planet more susceptible to sexually arousing material (i.e., they are better gene machines Smile ). Here's an article that talks about the kinds of subtle changes in neurochemistry that can even be caused in the womb, which alter personality traits, just to give you an idea of what I'm referring to: http://judson.blogs.nytimes.com/2008/10/21/weighing-the-vote/?8dpc And I assume you also saw my post about male flour beetles, and one man's opinion that some arrive more sensitive to sexual arousal: http://www.reuniting.info/science/gay_sex_flour_beetles_male_mounting

Mind you, I think we have a lot of influence over what we *do* with the traits we arrive with. Yet, it's important to know that there's no reason to feel guilty about the fact that you have some unique challenges. We all do. That being said, I think all of them can be turned to good use. A lot of sexual energy also means (potentially) a lot of charisma and a lot of creative energy...and a lot of lessons about the best way to use it, which can, eventually, be shared with others.

So don't be quick to despair, even though you feel like everything is hopeless for the moment. Frank, have a look at my answer to S-R after you read his post: http://www.reuniting.info/node/1647#comment-4718. You have the keys to your own freedom once you really integrate what you're learning. When you really "get it," then, even when you slip, you will see that you are not just being whipped around in the wind at random, or struck by lightening with no pattern. There is a pattern, and the way out is balance. And your balance won't be perfect, and there will be slips. But the best answer is still balance. Smile

You've made enormous progress. It has been evident from periods of clarity, and sensitivity to new kinds of feelings about women, etc. Unfortunately, those gains *automatically* fade temporarily when you slip into the orgasm/sexual satiation cycle. They were real, but you will have a very hard time *feeling* them while your dopamine is low, and your sensitivity to all sexual cues is correspondingly soaring. This will pass...if you get back on track.

Try to stay detached and watch the process. Keep a journal. Eventually you will see the pattern, and realize what best helps you steer for the results you want.

Courage! You're both really shiny men. This is not a trivial challenge. It's related to a huge, growing problem, which will soon affect *most* men on the planet...causing them not to be able to act like their real selves. This is a disaster for both them, and all their would-be mates. It's worth some effort to figure out the best ways around the problem. And I thank you for your persistence in the face of overwhelming feelings of despair. You are breaking the spell, even if it doesn't feel that way right now...and won't for a few days. Wink