No, this is not related to my girlfriend adventure... (Susan, it very strongly seems to me, is not interested in me, but that's for some other day's discussion)
Yesterday I felt some sexual attraction patterns return to my mind. I did try to do some transmutation yesterday, but not to much avail. Today, I ended up ejaculating.
Absolute disaster. I've been trying for over two weeks to get out of that crap... and I was through with the two-weeks-of-no-orgasm. I had been trying to inculcate some positive ways of looking at women -- as sweet, helpful, caring, sensitive, kind, supportive -- yet somehow it all broke and those sexual patterns came up again. I hate myself.
I have no idea how to get over these patterns. Every day I find myself hoping that I won't be attacked by them. I feel completely out of control. It was so easy to get into the addiction...
The bigger, much bigger problem here is that there is this very inert apathy inside that simply ignores such horrible events... somehow that part of me cannot realize that some things could end up so horrible. It's like, logically I know that something really bad could happen if I do something bad, but then there's no emotional push to avoid doing that bad thing. Sometimes there's a rather evil tendency (to knowingly do some crap), and more often there's complete apathy, a denial and ignorance of it all, not wishing to discover how things could go horribly wrong (I'm not talking only about the addiction, it's also about other things, like academics, driving on the streets, etc.)
Now if you ask me how I got into that positive state of attraction to women in the first place (when I began with my recent girlfriend adventures), I have to admit that I really don't know. I really don't know. It's like it just happened to me... and so I had to push myself a bit to get moving faster into the flow, but what got me into the flow in the first place is very much unknown to me and hence I cannot immediately replicate it now. And besides, even if I could, I always find that my emotions are simply way out of sync with what my common sense informs me... as I said, there's either apathy or an evil tendency that is prevalent on the part of emotions.
I guess that that gives you a picture accurate enough. My parents have been working so hard for me for the past so many years, they've tried to give me the best opportunities they could, and yet, because of my crappy decisions, I've made a complete fiasco of it. It's been really frustrating, and plus there's that apathy which I find so hard to get out of. I'm stuck.
I would really appreciate advice here.
With gratitude for your patience,