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It's usually best not to try to persuade a partner. Initial resistance is high, and it will end up projected on you. That is, your partner may perceive that you are trying to take away his/her pleasure in life.

A better approach is to explain that, although your sex life is fine by regular standards, you want to experiment with avoiding orgasm *yourself* for a few weeks, to see if you notice a change in your mood when you resume orgasm thereafter. (NOTE: Trying to avoid orgasm without explaining what you’re up to, is likely to lead to misunderstandings, miscommunication and resentment.) What is it like for you? What do you notice?

Meanwhile, ask your partner's opinion about the concept of karezza, by offering some reading material. Possibilities are Cupid's Poisoned Arrow: From Habit to Harmony with Sexual Relationships, The Karezza Method, and any of the Science articles in the left-hand margin (click on "Science" at the top of the page first).

Experience has shown that both partners have to understand, and be willing to try, karezza to see benefits. If you plant the seed and don't push, it may sprout later.

It will take several runs at the fence to find your leap

It has been five years now of experimenting with Peace karezza in our 18-year relationship. At first my wife resented me taking away her pleasure. So I said , OK let's play with it and see what happens. Two years ago we were on the verge of divorce after having gone back entirely to standard western fucking. Then I restarted the program again in spite of resentment blocks. Staying married also depended upon taking vows very seriously and surrendering to the Universe. If there was no graceful way to split, we would not.

The compromise: Late last year we decided to have orgasms on the first of every month and on some special occasions. Now we are in our third month of squirtless loving, "because we do not want to ruin a good thing. " It takes time and experimentation. We usually stay engaged for an hour twice per week. True union is as much a spiritual effort as it is physical and mental. Our foreplay includes a half hour of tantric yoga excercises and meditation. It is scheduled for all the reasons outlined in Marnia's book. This has been discovered by experience to be truth, for us. We also end lovemaking with a mutual meditation that continues into dreamtime as we drift off.

We comment daily on how cute we appear to each other. We are in our fifties and the loving flow is ... is... beyond anything portrayed in cinema or lit. It is calm and jewel encrusted with a deep foundation. I have had opportunities to have sexual relations outside of our marriage over the last eighteen years and I do not know how I kept fidelity. Now my attitude is that nothing could ever match what is going on inside marriage. We have gone a long way and we have a long way to go. I just love how attractive we have become.

go for it

and

go for it again

until you get it.
then it keeps you going.

Luke

Thanks so much for sharing this, Luke

I've always known it would take a team to work out the various paths to the goal of nourishing lovemaking *and* harmony and clear perception of each other.

Your idea for overcoming resistance is brilliant! Why didn't I think of that???

I guess each couple will find what works best for them once they have the broad outlines.

newbie

Marnia,

I discovered your website by chance about a week ago. What a refreshing difference from most of what is out there. Very professional content – both yours and that of your contributors. No mindless rants full of ALL CAPS and obscenities and misspellings. You don’t seem to be vigorously promoting anything for your own profit – just spreading the word of your discoveries while quietly making your books available for sale. Very open and candid about your views on sexuality, but no links to objectionable sites. I even like the “humor” section. In short, I have been captivated and have been reading your material and viewing the videos at every opportunity. It has significantly influenced several important aspects of my life already.

I’d like to tell you about myself and how I have been affected. I haven’t encountered any similar stories from my reading of the blogs so far. I am in my mid-sixties have been married to my wife (a couple of years younger) for more than forty years. We are best friends and have a very good relationship, but the sex all-but ended about four years ago. I have always been driven by the goal of achieving a climax. However, I have always needed a great deal of stimulation to reach the goal. I’ve never had a premature ejaculation – when I was younger, a quickie was at least 20 minutes. Nowadays, it usually takes about an hour – sometimes a lot more. I am very active for my age – I workout vigorously 8-10 hours a week and have no major health problems. My libido is strong and I am able to get and maintain strong erections without using E.D. drugs.

My wife, however, is sedentary, rather heavy and suffers from painful arthritis. These sexual marathons have been no fun for her for about a decade, and about four years ago, she announced that her libido was totally gone. So I have mostly resorted to masturbation in secret supported by internet porn. She seems to be unaware of my activity. I have been quite unhappy with this situation for a host of reasons, but have become resigned to the situation.

When I found your website, I immediately felt that the behaviors you advocate may go a long way to improving our relationship. I resolved to avoid all porn (cold turkey) and to gradually reduce orgasm/ejaculation, with the latter to be with the full knowledge of my wife. And I began unilaterally engaging in bonding activities with her, and the response on her part has been immediate – she loves the long, slow caressing and intimate conversations.

I think karezza (or a form of it) would be great for us, because it removes the orgasm-goal from our relationship. I would no longer have to spend a great deal of time, effort and energy reaching the goal and my wife no longer has to feel the pressure of trying to get me off, or suffer the boredom of having her sleep disturbed while I jerk off.

I have not told her about your site or the books – she seems quite content to reap the benefit of more intimate exchanges and has not yet asked about the source of my new attitude. Our family has been subject to a great deal of stress recently (both good and bad), but these concerns should be behind us in a few weeks. In the past, she has not been open to new ideas, I fear that she might misconstrue my motives and think I am trying to put pressure on her to re-engage in sexual intercourse. And I think she may view the spiritual side of your approach to be an attack on her Christian faith. That said, I am anxious to introduce the concepts to her when these external stressors are played out.

I am thinking of buying Peace Between the Sheets instead of Cupid’s Poisoned Arrow to introduce her to your concepts. The older book seems to be less focused on the spirituality and the porn-addiction recovery.

Thanks for listening. I am looking forward to learning more and experiencing the benefits in our marriage.

Sincerely,

Thanks for your beautiful message Jesse

You sound like a very loving, open-minded man. She's a lucky woman!

I'm sure there are many people with your dilemma, not all of them male. If only the Internet could really substitute for a close connection with a mate, eh? I'm glad to hear she's responding to the bonding behaviors, and that there's some hope of karezza in your future.

As for the books...she probably wouldn't like either one. Smile But the first one is actually a bit more "New Age-y" than the new one. And the concepts in the new one are much clearer. The new one's science is also more up to date.

If you want to share some of my material with her, I think it would be better to go with the second one, and just pick out the parts you think she might relate to best. Tell her the rest is boring. (Definitely tear out the section on Christianity, as it is sure to annoy her. Smile )

If you're convinced she needs to read something...and you obviously know best...she might actually prefer one of the older books on karezza (Karezza: Ethics of Marriage or The Karezza Method. They have more delicate language, don't ramble on about spiritual traditions from around the globe, and don't have a lot of brain science. Wink You could get one out of the library for her. They are both available in full here, so you can see which she might like: http://www.reuniting.info/wisdom/free_online_text_karezza_male_continenc...

The bottom line is that a skillful male pilot may be able to pull off the shift without her reading anything if he fully understands the principles at work. (Sounds like you do.) If you were a wife...I would say just the opposite: don't expect progress until your husband reads some book or other about this concept.

Anyway, good luck to you. Let us know if you make a breakthrough...or if you need a shoulder to cry on if you don't! Smile I'll enable you to blog, in case you want to keep a journal. http://www.reuniting.info/resources/bloggers

Blueballs

[wink] Live and let live.
Hi guys i am new here,erm a question can someone please tell me what blue balls are? I have heard of it before but dont know what it means. :)
Thankyou

The term refers

to the sharp pains and aches that sometimes occur when a man becomes extremely sexually aroused and doesn't ejaculate. Women can suffer from similar discomfort when intensely aroused. The pain goes away with time, even without ejaculation.