Well, I don't know where to start. I've been looking at this site for a while now and the things I've read on it has helped give me some temporary piece of mind from time-to-time. Especially the article on shock and guilt and how it relates to arousal. I've posted on so many different forums already. Ones ranging from HOCD, to porn addiction, to "coming out" to gay ones seeking some help.
I'm 26 years old and have been using porn since my early teens. I've always felt romantic/emotional/sexual attraction for women, but I've also had gay fantasies as well and when I got the computer, I began looking at gay and bi porn. About two years ago, I had an anonymous encounter with another male...quick oral sex, nothing more. Still didn't obsess or worry. I still felt straight. Then some time later, I started to freak out and for the past year my life has been nothing but depression, anxiety, worry and it feels as if I've lost my identity...my attraction for women is constantly put to the test.
After all I've read, it seems as if my problem is rooted in porn and obsession with sexual behavior, not orientation. But I am 26 and only had vaginal intercourse with two girls in my entire life and I've been accused of being gay and have been questioned often.
I know I have a problem with porn, because I could spend a whole day with it and in chat rooms. Trying to stop is damn near impossible.
This is just the tip of the ice burg....there is so much more.
Even though I don't want to be gay or bisexual and hold onto the idea I am straight, I struggle with the temptation of acting out again...totally anonymously and secretive. It's as if I am under a spell when I think of it . I also think it has more to do with me wanting answers now.
But I still don't bring myself to do it.