Submitted by Love Gnosis on
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I went on a date recently with this lady I've been in-touch with for about a year now; we get on well on the phone and have a lot in common in terms of beliefs, attitudes and approaches. We have stimulating conversation and on the date I do remember at one point making her laugh as well as talking frequently. However, one of her comments bugs me. She was chatting about how she used to be very shy externally and that she felt she needed to express herself more; and particularly with her career she realised that how you say things, expressions, etc matter more than what you say. She said I come across as "quite shy" even though I was talking a lot and it reminded a bit of herself and how she used to be. My heart kinda sank there tbh, even though she said "its not a bad thing" and that "admittedly, its a silly societal thing" and also that "i can't give a reason why you come across as quite shy, its subtle". She said its not about projecting authority, but about projecting a sense of "aura" about you.

Also, its not about inner confidence either; as I have demonstrated that to her - its simply being shy on the external communicative side which she thinks I reflect. It does worry me though, because I really like her a lot and we do have quite a bit in common and she asks about my interests, she enjoys reading my writings, listening to my music, etc. But yet I feel I will never make it as more than a friend to her. She texted me after I left saying she "had a great time, and I hope you had fun too!" but again, I think she was just being friendly. She is a liberal Muslim so no kissing or hugging, but I felt maybe I wasn't demonstrating enough magnetism. I did try tbh; but I really don't know what to do anymore with women. She is mature minded, and 29 years of age but she looks considerably younger and is a lawyer - she is quietly confident and not a loud person; but she can be quite bubbly too. We had a good time tbh; but I feel that her comment about external shyness has bugged me.

Any thoughts?

thoughts, just a few.

I think that when we are with people we like, especially at the onset, we tend to read a little to far into things, and can be a bit over-sensitive. More than likely, she simply doing two things. first, she made an observation. a harmless one, and it seems to me that she was sympathizing with you . . . she only saw it in you, because she has seen it in herself.
secondly, she was just making conversation, and perhaps you have been too touchy, and were quick to take it personally. I don't mean to undermine your feelings; they are important. but I warn against reacting too strongly. I smothered my most recent spark before I could kindle a flame, simply because I was too emotional, and frankly, its not becoming. (see this article: http://www.reuniting.info/wisdom/sex_emptiness_needy_sex-starved)

I really hope that this relationship works out for you, and I would love to see you extend yourself some more grace for your shortcomings. we all have them. just because she pointed something out doesn't mean she sees you as unfit.

(perhaps she intimidates you? You mentioned she was a lawyer.) I have a friend in grad school at Columbia U, and even though we've been intimate, and she really liked me, I felt very inadequate because of her achievements. (especially since we are on the same career path).

So, those are few thoughts, Love Gnosis. Again, I mean only to encourage you. :)
good luck with future interactions! and try to let those comments roll off your back, rather than getting under your skin!

---hayduke
the true light of my eyes is a pearl,
equally emptied to equally shine;
and all or what little joy in the world
seemed suddenly simple, and endlessly mine.
(mewithoutyou)

Thanks for that. No; she

Thanks for that.

No; she doesn't intimidate me at all. She isn't projective and she is quietly confident and graceful in her speech; which is naturally magnetic. I didn't react emotionally there at all; it only hit me after I came home that I became somewhat agitated when contemplating on her comment.

I do know shy guys who have a good established relationship; and they are confident but wont show it in the external communicative sense. I just think that if a woman is pointing out something that one sees as a weakness; it can feel annoying and worrying as my job is to try and woo this woman. Then again, because I am a spiritually minded person I do NOT believe in dominating a woman or controlling things; I believe in inter-dependence and mutual support. I am quite introspective but I can be jokey and vibrant in certain situations; I just worry that its not enough to attract what seems to be a mature and intelligent attractive lady.

I think

she'll realize that you are not shy, and that she mistook introvert strengths for extrovert weakness. By that I mean that maybe she was a shy extrovert who bloomed into an extroverted extrovert...if you know what I mean. And she thinks you may be the same.

Introverts (like my husband) are just amazingly good listeners, and have a lot to say when they *want* to. They just feel no need to dominate the airwaves. I've come to *love* introverts. Smile

Give her time to get to know you, whatever you are, and I suspect she'll correct her assessment as things progress.

I'm really happy for you!

Thanks for that Marnia. I

Thanks for that Marnia.

I think she does appreciate my writings and other things that I do; we share the same liberal attitudes and also some tastes and she had a great time although I think maybe she was just being nice given that I paid a lot to go and see her. Although I suspect if she didnt enjoy it, she wouldnt text me back after I left. I AM an introverted person, although I can talk quite a lot and I am quite conversational but I think what she meant by "quite shy" was the way I speak, mannerisms, posture, etc that dictate how I come across. She said it wasnt a bad thing and its more to do with a perception; but I am worried that she might not find it attractive. I do have hobbies where I record videos, I voice act, etc where I do come across as extroverted but its not my true nature - its more of an acting performance. I think that once you get into spirituality; it DOES calm you and makes you more introspective and thoughtful as a person and I think its a good thing. She herself isnt a loud or overly chatty person at all; but she is bubbly and quiety confident but she has a very calming nature about her. She isnt projective; which is a good thing in my view.

I'm just fearing that she will say "you're a great guy and I really like your attitudes and beliefs, etc but I don't fancy you" - although she doesn't look like the sort of lady who would say that sort of thing. Its a fear I have though; but then again she is 29 and I think the attitude of neglecting introspective men is done by younger and less mature girls who want to be swept off their feet, etc. I can excite a woman if needs be; but I don't see it as something of primary importance at all!

I guess we *all*

face that risk of being "not fancied." But she may just be following the time-honored strategy of "letting the man do the hunting." Too soon to say.

The situation sounds promising to me, and if the worst happens, and she doesn't see your true worth, the next one will. Wink

*fingers crossed*

The problem is I isolate

The problem is I isolate myself from people as since childhood I have found them to be a dissapointment.

I only socialise once every few months with people not from my family; and thats mostly through my own brother and his friends. I only find certain company tolerable; and I can say I enjoyed the company of this girl a lot and I hated company of groups of men. I hate the idea of going to gigs or concerts; I find the atmosphere repulsive.

Maybe I'm a misanthropist....this is what spiritual contemplation does to somebody. It makes them loathe the world.