I was just wondering if there's a correlation between lack of bonding behaviors between parents/child and the subsequent lack of bonding behaviors (or ability to initiate them) into adulthood?
Recently, as a part of my healing process, I began to dig further into my past. Not that I haven't already done that before, but my knowledge of sexuality/relationships/psychology increased exponentially recently so I also got a new perspective on old stuff.
When I was a kid I was expansive (perhaps excessively), cried for nothing, highly idealistic, creative and stuff.
Today.. well, let's say that people define me as "aloof" just for the lack of a better non-offensive word.
I haven't spontaneously hugged or kissed my parents since when I was about 10.
Sometimes I do that because my mother is deeply hurt by this (the usual "You-don't-care-about-me" drivel), so I fake it. And frankly, I do that mostly to shut her up. (Bad boy. I feel bad for myself.)
With my dad, I can't even do that - it's like there's something , like an invisible wall between us. They love me deeply and I know that. Only... well, there's something. I suspect that's related to the fact that my mother briefly abandoned me when I was about 10 - she had a quarrel with my dad and left. It was terrible. It was more or less in that period that I started to actively search porn (magazines and vhs', internet wasn't around yet) and non-creative escapism, and my relationship with the world in general deteriorated.
Also, my parents weren't in love (and most certainly are not in love now) and rarely expressed satifaction about themselves, life and their relationship - let it alone hugging, kissing or stuff like that. They just bickered most of the time. So if the basic concept of "kids learn how to be adults from parents" is true, I guess I never learned by example how love is expressed and got a very bad imprinting about relationships in general.
It's like speaking a foreign kinestetic language! Really, sometimes I see couples doing couples stuff on the streets or whatever, and I cannot help but wonder.. how did he know when to do that? Why is he hugging her now and not, say, 5 minutes ago? Is there a signal? is that random? And how do I know what's the right distance? The right timing? ARGH!
So, that's it. I basically went through the most delicate period - adolescence - without meaningful human warmth and basic relationship knowledge. And sure enough, now even thinking about hugging someone feels awkward. When my mother or a friend initiates that I actually have to remind myself to respond by hugging back, or I may remain stiff like a marionette or something (not to mention embarassed) until they are finished.
Are non-sexual exchanges between friends and family equally important? Should I force myself to pursue this, or is that irrelevant?
Boy, am I wrecked..