My experience/experiment thus far

Submitted by dizzy on
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Hello everyone-

This is my story thus far in case it's of interest to anyone.

I'm not exactly sure what to say my background is so here's some things that come to mind: I've interests in the 4th Way (a la Gurdjieff), writings of Mouravieff, Castaneda, Knight-Jadczyk, the Ra material, Taoism, the Christian gnostic tradition, etc. As far as my sexual background, I was pretty oblivious to most things until somewhat late- I didn't have a clue what masturbation was until my early 20's (when a teacher of mine talked about sexual topics, often in a perverse way, ALL the time, ugh). I thought I wanted to be a nun when I was little, throughout high school I gradually came to think that organized religion, and basically religion in general is bunk at best and a means of control at worst. (not spirituality, although I think a spiritual life must be complimented by a scientific and objective view of the world). As Marx said, "Religion is the opium of the people"....anyway, the point is not to be bashing religions, I think that most religions have some core kernels of knowledge, but they've been corrupted and co-opted over the ages. I would say I'm a reasonably attractive and fit woman (the person people say I look most like is Angelina Jolie, she's apparently pretty desirable, though I suppose it's the whole package of her personality/career), I'm reasonably intelligent, have a fantastic sense of humor (if you love terrible and inappropriate puns), and now have what I believe to be an interesting career as a musician and sometime astrologer and reiki practitioner (formerly an environmental scientist). I have not, however, ever had any sort of relationship, at 27 years. I'm a virgin. In fact, I've only kissed/made out with three guys ever, on three solitary occasions. On all three of these instances, the guys were lonely, and thought I wouldn't say no to them- which I did when they tried to get into my pants. I seem to attract very few men, and the ones I do want to sleep with me right away, and have absolutely no interest in pursuing any sort of relationship. I'm not making this up, some of these guys have blatantly told me so! The lack of a romantic, and now romantic/sexual, relationship has been a constant source of frustration throughout my life.

I did not start masturbating until I was around 22 or 23 years old. I was studying with said teacher from above, and noticed that on occasion I would have these dream orgasms (I never had these before. I actually had to do some research to figure out what was going on, that's how oblivious I was). Gradually I began to masturbate on purpose- first as a curiosity, and then more as a "need". Almost from the start, I would feel super tired after these sessions.

I first came upon this site quite some time ago- perhaps a little under two years ago? At the time I was doing a search about orgasms/loss of energy/sacred sexuality. I was feeling the urge to masturbate quite frequently, I'd say at least one time per week? What really began to worry me was when I'd totally space out when I reached climax and started having these dreams or visions, or what have you, of being a sort of call girl around the turn of the century in what I think was San Fransisco. These were quite vivid. I'm not really sure what that was about, ever since I was a little kid, I would have all these connections to and this bizarre obsession, for a 7 or 8 year old, of all things relating to the Victorian era and San Fransisco/CA. I can't say that I really am decided one way or the other about reincarnation; I'm open to the idea, but I'm pretty skeptical about it in practice. Anyway, these orgasm-fantasy-whatever things were frightening, and I would feel really REALLY tired after these, often having to take a nap for an hour or more immediately after. I didn't want to have these, but then I would continually feel compelled to masturbate time and time again. I saw the site, noted that it seemed interesting, and bookmarked it. A couple of months later, I finally got around to checking the site out in earnest, and many things clicked. I ordered the book, and was fascinated.

Since March of last year I've been keeping a log of when I feel very turned on, or tired, and when I orgasm. I also keep track of my menstrual cycle on this chart. I notice that the flare-ups are in keeping with the theory proposed- I most often feel turned on/end up having orgasm around midcycle and within a day on either side of the start of menstruation (I guess all that stuff is swelled up around then). The longest I've been able to go was almost three months right at the beginning but since then it's been really hard to control. During those couple of months I slowly started to have more energy and was able to concentrate on things more. The weird visions have not occurred since I've been keeping track of all this. I can't say that I noticed a huge difference in people being attracted to me, but two of these hook-up things I've mentioned WERE in the last couple of months, and were during stretches of at least a month or more of not having orgasm (I did not have orgasm as a result of being with these dudes). It still is pretty hard, though, to keep off this cycle of what seems to be an addiction. I know when two weeks comes, that all of this is going to flare up. I try to make an extra effort to do nice things for people, to get some extra exercise, to dance (I do this pretty frequently anyway as a result of certain gigs I have), to cuddle with my kitty. I still end up succumbing to masturbation, and it's really really frustrating to me. I'm mad because I still have this compulsion, and I'm mad because I am so tired and cranky and distracted as a result of this. But, I think the ideas are really great, and I'm hoping one day not only to meet someone who wants to be in a relationship with me, but is also interested in giving these ideas a try. So I'm going to keep trying to avoid masturbation and especially orgasm (for me, it's hard to have one without the other).

Thanks for reading.

Welcome Diz!

It's always great to have another woman here, sharing her experience. Your story was very interesting to me, and I could relate to a lot of getting a late-ish start...then finding masturbation compelling (and eventually noticing that it affected my attitude and outlook). Seems like I took a lot longer to catch on than you have! I'm also obviously intrigued by both spirituality and what science can tell us about our earthly experience.

It's hard *not* to stay open-minded about past lives, hearing your story about Victorian SF. Fascinating. And you're not the only person who has really noticeable effects from orgasm. Some people just have more sensitive neurochemistry, I guess.

Honestly, it sounds like you have been making progress in the dating realm, however slowly. Have you tried telling a prospective partner that you are thinking of trying something different and letting *him* read the book? Sometimes men relate to that material surprisingly well...if you let the book do the talking. Men are tired of relationship drama, too. And a three-week experiment isn't *that* forbidding.

In any case, glad to have you here. Smile

PS Sure you wouldn't like a Courtly Companion? We have lots of splendid gentlemen who would be pleased to have someone to chat with anonymously. It can be really helpful as you start dating more to have an actual man to help decipher any confusion.

I tried having courtly

I tried having courtly companions twice, the partners didn't have much of relevance to say. Basically, it was they couldn't relate to my situation, but they wished me love and light, blah blah. Not the experience I was looking for.

I did try telling someone once a bit, he totally laughed at it. That was the first and last time we hooked up. Anyway he wasn't interested in dating me to begin with (which I did not realize at first), just pulling a James Brown as it were (hit it and quit it). Since I last wrote there has not been anyone that's remotely interested in me, although to be honest, I've only been attracted to three guys after I wrote this, all of whom seemed like they had a bit of a question mark about what they wanted, and definitely weren't interested in me at all, at least romantically. Perhaps I will be able to meet some more people this summer when some of my work ceases, although I meet a pretty wide variety and amount of people in general due to my profession as a musician and teacher.


Sounds like you're ready for a breakthrough! Hope it comes soon.

Any guys who need a Courtly Companion want to step up to the task here??? Contact Dizzy!

Came across the material

Came across the material again and thought I'd update. Still no guy which is a big bummer sometimes. I notice things are way more stressful for me in terms of not masturbating in, duh, more stressful situations. I just moved across the country and still haven't found a job, I've applied for literally hundreds of jobs. I notice when I'm feeling particularly down about this I can be more likely to feel that pressure. I think it's excess energy from the emotional center heading over to the sexual center, to put it in Gurdjieff's terms. This pent up energy has wanted to go somewhere. It's been hard for me in most ways though I think in the long term my career will be much better in this city, but on the other hand I very well could be living in my car in a month or two if I don't find a job. Since I don't know a lot of people here it's sort of hard to hang out with friends or whomever, and I don't have money to go out either. There is only so much time one can spend in libraries, parks, etc. without going crazy. I did put up recently a profile on some dating sites but have not gotten any responses yet (well, I did get one. The person had drawn a penis using alpha-numeric characters. Super.) To be honest I really don't feel all that up to dating, I can't afford it really, I'm honestly almost at the point that I can't even afford a cup of coffee out somewhere.

I have not masturbated in a couple of months though. I still haven't noticed much of a difference in dating or interest from men but I have finally gotten some more honest feedback from people, both from new people I am just meeting and from friends/acquaintances that I've asked before. I guess since I'm on the other side of the country they feel it's easier to be honest or something. The two things I have been hearing is that I'm quite attractive, naturally (I think I look ok but not spectacular, though if I wore a sh!t-ton of makeup, fancy clothes, etc anyone can look like a rockstar. Yes, including me. But I guess this is a pretty good compliment in LA) and that intimidates people; and that my general personality of having lots of interests, being articulate, nice, intelligent, sincere, funny also intimidates people. I really am not trying to be intimidating! OMG. People I am meeting here (for things like work or whatever) are telling me that I am too good to be true, I am very unusual, especially that most people they know, especially women, are not as laid-back, intelligent, empathetic, whatever as me. This extends to jobs too. Even if I am meeting someone for the first time on an interview or whatever, even if I have a good interview, even if I leave out significant portions of my resume (like college degrees, certain jobs, etc) I am getting the response that I am overqualified, I am too good for this job, what would someone as intelligent/articulate/whatever as me really want this job for? Apparently I have not been good at giving whatever answer they want. So I am unemployed without unemployment (they say I don't qualify since I was self-employed but it's "my fault" I'm not working, basically) at least yet. Huge bummer. Obviously my sex life and relationships are not the most pressing issue but it would be nice to have some support and a partner. Wishful thinking to be sure. Anyway this got a little bit off of my chest and I feel better.

One thing that HAS been effective for me lately in rechanneling energy is to laugh- watching or reading something funny. I find George Carlin to be effective- so pointed and funny. There is no way you are going to want to do anything after listening to him!

You don't sound

"dizzy" to me. And thanks for sharing your story. It sucks that it doesn't *yet* have a happy ending.

I notice you're open to having a Courtly Companion. Guys? Anyone out there think they're the right man for the job? Contact me so I can prevent a stampede. Wink

And Diz, if you're willing to hang around, start a blog so we can hear your news.

Good luck with that job search.

I would be willing

I would be willing to do it.
She appears to be at a similar place in her life as me.
I am 28/yo male, single, struggling a bit financially, don't have many friends, multiple failed attempts at ceasing masturbation, etc.

It would be nice to be able to talk/connect with somebody else (especially from the opposite sex) who is going through a similar experience. I am sure we could learn quite a bit from each other.

Update July 2012

I decided to check in here again in another moment of frustration smiley

My life was in a pretty bad place a year ago. I had moved to a new city in order to start over and find work, but after applying for nearly 2000 jobs I had nothing, had to move back to parent's place (we don't have a good relationship) with much pressure to leave as quickly as possible. No job after a few hundred apps there too, so did some real soul searching and ended up trying for an alternative medical degree. Moved back to the new city for acupuncture to try something, anything! and I really think it's a great fit for me. My career as a musician is in spurts but I'm mostly ok with that.

I have been on more dates in the last year than whole life before (maybe like 8-10 dates? vs 3 total before). People seem to use online dating more here in this city. I still haven't been asked out in real life yet (one guy sorta did but then never followed through). I go on a date with anyone who asks who seems halfway normal/interesting, but it's just honestly really hard to find someone compatible. I do feel guilty about turning these guys down (sometimes it's been mutual lately, other times I'm the one not interested, which is a first). I guess I'm so used to being the one turned down by guys. Just very little in common with some of these, or values clashing, or they end up being crazy in some way (the guy who I invited to an African fusion gig who turned out to be racist; the guy who got us lost in the woods and stubbornly refused to listen to my idea that we needed to turn around until I just did so, and got us out...after 7 hours). I'm just not interested.

Two things I am really surprised about is how many guys who contact me want to have children (I do not, I have known this my whole life. So annoyed when some of these dudes even try to talk me out of it! Like I don't know my own mind after 30 yrs?) or how many are of a religion (I am anti, though definitely think there's a lot of insights to be gleaned from various traditions. I'm spiritual but not religious). These are very important values to me, and I really hate when others say I am too picky. How come others get to say, "oh, I only date person of x religion", but I can't? I don't like that idea of "beggars can't be choosers" that I grew up with but things don't seem all that promising.

I HAVE met one man who is really the man of my dreams in many ways. I'd be THRILLED to be in a long term relationship with him- we have great conversations, we have almost everything in common, there's (what I/friends perceive to be, anyway) physical chemistry, we have compatible values and similar life goals, he cooks me gourmet meals, gives me chocolate, opens doors for me...but...he's married. Hasn't lived with his wife in over 4 years (she and his son live in another country), he visits maybe 3 weeks a year. We haven't done anything physically romantic at ALL though and I don't know what his deal is with his wife, he doesn't want to talk about it with anyone (and everyone who knows him can't get it out of him either). No pictures of her anywhere, in his house, car, anything. My friends actually (yes, immoral bastards they are :x are encouraging me to an extent but I am thinking maybe I need to just avoid him whenever possible. Problem is that there's not anything else out there so far, and at this point, I guess it's still worth it to me just to be friends even if no physical stuff since there is literally no one else in my real life I can talk about some interests of mine with. By the way, he's hip to Taoist lovemaking so I'm pretty sure he would be down for karezza if we ever DID go that route. I'm really baffled actually though by the situation since in a way we are dating. Don't worry I am still trying to date and not giving anything up in my life to hang with him once in a while.

Anyway. I still am as puzzled as ever as how to get in a relationship with someone who's compatible with me. Let alone do the deed and all that jazz.

very interssting,

im also kinda the same thought im a man,
i want to say that for me the goal isnt going to be " being able to do a girl like a master, for me its to fully recover my spirituality and my unconditionned happiness with all certainty nd faith !
so the path is always the same, transcendance!
i would love ot exchange with you about many things if you would like :)

Checking in and it's more of

Checking in and it's more of the same old...still no relationship, no anything really. It's been many months, maybe almost a year since last time I went on a date. I feel like I fizzled through online dating, no one is really asking me out (I am getting invites but from people who only want hookups, or who say in their profile, ready to settle down and have kids. Which I don't EVER want to do). Two companies that I was in the lists for, they set up dates, the guys pay (women join for free though they can pay also) told me they had to drop me for being "too out there" in my interests and "so stubborn about not having kids". Well, the dates they set me up on were pretty horrendous, so I guess that's no real loss.

Got over the older married man eventually. I guess it's good, I studied a lot during that period, wanting to impress him. There hasn't really been anyone I've been attracted to since then. My friends have tried 3 times to set me up with people they knew who were single but they weren't interested in me.

I've been so restless in the last year, so I did something I/SOME other people think is awesome, but probably is even more a barrier to dating: I moved into an RV and am using funds to travel the world, and also save up for my clinic when I finish school. It's really removed a lot of stress from my life (I have a home for as long as I want now, and no more rent payments!), and I love it. Being a 10 minute drive from the beach also helps this too :)

Anyway, I DO seem to be finding more like-minded people when I've traveled the last few months, that's about the only thing I am encouraged by. Otherwise it's trying to keep my sanity for another 2 years here until I finish my program and can try a new place. Really really really really stumped on what to do, and not happy about it right now. I feel I've tried almost everything at this point to get into a healthy relationship with a compatible person. Friends too really don't know other than having to make some crazy changed to me, that would result me not being ME anymore. Same old story.....

Oh also I pretty much don't

Oh also I pretty much don't masturbate's been some time, several months. I don't know, maybe I got over it? Anyway, I think it's great to not have a bad habit but I can't say I've noticed any difference with interactions with men.