10 day abstinence and doubting

Submitted by G8110476 on
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I have been seriously addicted to porn and have had a huge masturbation problem for many, many years. It has now been 10 days since I last had an orgasm or viewed porn. The period has been very challenging especially the last few days. I have actually masturbated but not climaxed. There are times when I really feel like giving up and the only thing that stops me is the thought that I know that I so desperately need to change my life, that failing in this might devastate me. I believe my main disadvantages are that I am unemployed at the moment and have very limited access to other people. The city I abide in also has the reputation of being difficult regarding contact with others. Without this site and the help from Marnia and other members I believe I wouldn’t have made it this far.

Some members on this site refer to a big change happening somewhere down the line after a time of abstinence from p&m (porn and masturbation). Maybe one of my problems is that I find this hard to believe and therefore lack a stronger motivation to continue to fight p&m. I believe that the fact that I cut out the p&m will be very beneficial in the long run but I cannot believe that it itself will lead to great changes without other things changing too.

I am a natural skeptic, this doesn’t help my plight.

List of changes I have felt recently:

Better concentration
Feeling calmer
More sensitive to feelings (surroundings)
Volatile mood swings
Appreciate much more the beauty of women.
More determined to find a job.

I believe that abstaining from p&m will give me more determination to sort out my life because I will be so desperate for a woman that I will need to boost my self image enough to achieve this. Abstaining from p&m will give me more energy to do this. An alcoholic doesn’t see his life change just because he stops drinking. It’s because he is doing other things, meeting other people, and, for many, has found God. What makes a gambler’s or a compulsive shopper’s life different after they quit throwing money away is not the money but the new ways in which they spend it. For me the porn was the money and masturbation the product. Like any addict who’s going through withdrawal, the challenge is to find something to fill the gap that the addiction has left behind. That gap is bigger for some than for others. That’s what the help organizations do, they help fill the gap and they motivate. Relapses are not only caused by the brain screaming out for it’s dopamine dose but through sheer boredom. Boredom is the residue of abstinence, the by-product of dopamine deficiency. Boredom is the devil. This site ‘reunited’ not only motivates but helps fill the boring gap. [ying]

Comments

A little bit of proof...

It's hard to offer proof for the internal improvements, but, for the external, I lucked out by having taken a set of pictures that gave me a "before and after" look, spaced 27 days apart:

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I started abstaining December 4th(?), the "before" pictures were December 26th, the "after" pictures were January 21st. The testosterone, I guess, also gives you more "chiseled", squarer facial features and a trimmer, fitter physique. Steroid users report their facial structures and features changing.

I don't know why,

but for some reason I pictured you with a Red Beard. :)

Anyhow, I can see what you mean about the differences. I am very proud of both you gentleman for the efforts you've made. Keep it up!

There's a definite

There's a definite difference . . . but yeah, I'm missing the red beard. I had a boyfriend with a red beard once (it was trim, not large and bushy). It was amazingly soft and sexy and had all manner of lovely glinting colors in it.

Actually Redbeard, now that

Actually Redbeard, now that I look closer at the pictures, it's not the mor "chiselled" look that's the really striking difference, its the quality held in your eyes. Your eyes in the before picture look like you know that you have given part of yourself away and that you're unsettled by that, whereas the look in your eyes in the after picture seem to emmanate from you yourself as someone who belongs to himself. It really is these seemingly more subtle differences that give off an overall energetic impression that women definitely pick up on. Good for you for getting grounded.

Thanks for sharing yourself

in such a personal way. I have to say, I was curious to see the pictures you referred to. It's fun to be included in your adventure this way.

You definitely have an irresistible glow. Who is this woman who said "no, thanks?" She must have had a very good reason. Wink

Dear G8110476

You are right that boredom and doubt are perhaps the biggest challenges. As my I Ching says it is sometimes the case that the need for even a vital change is not evident until the change is already made. That's how a return to balance works. It's hard to know how much better you will feel when balanced...until you ARE balanced.

Are you familiar with any metaphysical works that explain how our thoughts, feelings and expectations shape our reality? This was a really foreign concept to me when I first bumped into it. However, as I experimented, I found that it was true -- even though it never quite worked in the way I was "planning" for it to work. In fact, it often worked *better.*

Once I realized that orgasm was putting me on an emotional roller coaster (of resentment, unrealistic thinking, despair, pushiness, etc.), I instantly recognized how getting off that roller coaster was likely to make life smoother. That is, I suspected that more balanced thoughts would result in less external chaos and greater joy in living. In short, I was *really motivated.*

It did...in quite surprising ways. It took time, although some improvements were fairly quick, just as they have been for you. It wasn't all smooth sailing. But even after a few months, I could see big progress.

I share this stuff about the connection between our thoughts and the reality we experience because you may want to delve into some of the more metaphysical aspects of the site (or other sites). They may inspire you in a way that will offer greater motivation in those dark moments. Let me know if you want suggestions.

Any chance of joining another online support group or two as well? The more you focus on your recovery just now, the easier the next few days will be. Later on, you won't need such intense focus.

*a big hug*

Why not? Breath holding

Why not? Breath holding sometimes leads to an enlightenment experience. Wink

Hang in there, GB. It's just withdrawals....... and then you come out the other side. I think I might have or am getting close today. Today's approx. day #16 since last ejaculation, and the urge finally subsided. Was kinda bad the last few days.

Interesting,

as I've said before, I'm worst right at the end, too.

Glad you squeaked through.

Feeling any peppier? Peppy enough to meet some new folks???

Not peppy yet. Urge came

Not peppy yet. Urge came back too just now, but ya know, Noyes's squeezing, squirting urination really does help. Good advice! The dog and cat do seem to have become cuter the last week or so, though. :)

Urge

I thought the urge is urging me to spawn. LOL. Well, doin' my best to connect (and hopefully eventually spawn). May the pep come soon!

Well, of course,

the mammalian significance of the urge is spawning. But esoteric sources say sexual attraction has a different function: restoring a deep sense of wholeness that re-aligns us with the Tao, the Divine, the Whatever, allowing us to enter a sort of harmonious flow of expanded spiritual awareness.

Who knows? But there's only one way to find out. Wink

Spawning

I know, I just like to use the word "spawn" in reference to human reproduction sometimes, cuz it's so... what's the word? True but false at the same time? I envision hundreds of replicas of myself with fish eyes and fish mouths venturing forth into the world. Wink

Gross

That actually used to be done when the Taoist sexual beliefs were more common in China. They drank it in wine I think. Those crazy Taoists! Once when I was at my ex-girlfriend's parents' house, they brought out a bottle of wine with infant mice in it. (They're Chinese.) The things people do, eh!

good for you man

hey man. i hear your struggles and pain and progress. p&m is a little bit tough since once the p is gone there is still the m. and for me, "half-masturbation" - or masturbation without climaxing just increases my cravings. but hang in there, and i am telling you this as much as myself.

good luck.