Tips for the beginning non-orgasmic single man

Submitted by Tantra11 on
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First, I was just wondering how many single guys out there have successfully become non-orgasmic, and what's it like? The urge gets less, which I'm starting to experience on day 17 today. Does it come back? What can I expect ahead as far as pitfalls and bumps in the road?

Seems like it might be tough without a partner. 'Course maybe we don't stay single for long, which is what I'm hoping, but if that doesn't happen for some reason, what can you do to avoid temptation? My thinking is that engaging in oxytocin-type behaviors might help, like playing with pets, socializing, enjoying nature, etc. Also, maybe the sexual energy can be redirected into creative pursuits?

I've been looking into stuff like the Shaktichalana Mudra, but the prevailing wisdom in Tantric and Taoist sexual alchemy is that messing with your sexual energy is dangerous unless you have a teacher. Can anyone verify or debunk this?

Also, it seems like avoiding other dopamine-type activities helps. If I play video games for too long, for example, it seems like a boredom sets in which makes me want to fall back into other escapes like masturbation.

its ebb and flow

I have successfully abstained for over 40-some days now, and it was smooth sailing for me up until this week.

I moved, and I haven't made any friends at school yet. I am beginning to get incredibly lonely. Its not that people aren't around; I am intentional about meeting new people every day - for instance, I go and sit in coffee shops, and around campus alone just for the opportunity to meet someone - still, I dont have any of those real *quality* interactions with people who actually know me.

Beyond that, there are lots of really beautiful girls around here. I think that is making me really lusty. I've had to resist temptation to masturbate, but admittedly I did access some pornographic materials a few days ago while under the influence of alcohol, and lonliness.

it was unfufilling to say the least.

All of that is to say that oxcytocin behaviors are a *must*. I did not feel this way until this week. I was living at home, and spending time close friends daily, and seeing my cuddly little nieces quite often, too.

This morning I went to church, and felt a heartfelt connection with God. I balled my eyes out through most of the service. it was oxytocin, coupled with the melting of a long-time build up of resentment towards the most high. But I felt a lot better then, and this afternoon was easier too. night is falling, and i feel lonely again. I am going to the rock wall in a little bit to try and interact with some fellow climbers, as well as get some light exercise.

Where you are now, at 17 days is great. It should continue to be easy for you, as long as you maintain your wellbeing through different bonding behaviors, and exercise.

For me, it will get easier. Even my housemates will start to feel like family soon enough. for the time being, I draw comfort from meditation, and watching the birds come to my feeders.
It has been hard to not pursue orgasm when I have felt so lusty... but I know that its not what I really want for myself right now.
those are my thoughts.
---hayduke
the light of my eyes is a pearl,
equally emptied to equally shine;
and all or what little joy in the world
seemed suddenly simple, and endlessly mine.
(mewithoutyou)

Breaking the ice

It's always difficult to break the ice when making contact. I was in the local swimming pool today and a vey pretty girl swam passed me and gave me eye contact. That's the time to break the ice but I didn't know how to (lack or confidence, lack of social skills etc). So I passed her again and again and we had more and more eye contact. Eventually, I got out of the pool and walked along the side of it. Then the girl passed me again, swimming and something just took me over. I got close to her and said 'sorry for staring at you so much but I think you are so beautiful'. She smiled profusely and said ' that's OK'. Then I hung around a bit longer and she continued to swim and we made eye contact again and she gave me such a beautiful smile. At least I knownow that if I see the same girl again at the pool, the ice is broken and I''ll ask her her name. Sometimes things take time.
jerry

I must say...

you guys make me a bit nervous sometimes. If we could get comfy with celibacy, there would be no need for this site. The *point* of learning to feel more whole is to then *share* your magnificent maleness to create even greater synergy.

Personally, I don't think celibacy for its own sake is right for very many people at all...especially for those of us living outside of monasteries.

There's no way the ladies on Hayduke's campus are going to leave *him* alone for long, Wink but you, dear Tantra, are going to have to get off your butt here shortly. How can you reach out???

*swings foot ominously*

Ebb and may it NOT flow

You are so right, Marnia. The highest level of oxytocin (such an uninspiring technical word in this context!), as I see it, is universal love, no matter how we manifest it--with others, pouring ourselves into a noble cause, becoming a Buddha or a saint radiating love, raising a family, or whatever. You seem to be calling us back to our highest nature, the dreams the child had before the procreation program kicked in, or new dreams put on hold by the shift to animal instinct. This I hope to do. The first step for me is healing, but believe me, once I get even a modicum of energy, some of it will also be spent on reaching out. I've been doing it already as much as possible, though it does set me back healing-wise. It's a balancing act, for the stress of loneliness and isolation also set me back healing-wise.

Hayduke, wow, it sounds like this process played no insignificant part in healing a rift between you and the divine. That's truly amazing. Too bad a lot of people go through their whole lives rejecting it because they were taught that it HAS to come with certain religious dogma that didn't serve them or even hurt them. Thanks for confirming for me the importance of oxytocin behaviors. I'll keep it up, lest I fall back to lust.

This might lead to the monastery someday, but I gotta start somewhere, right? Wink I'm not trying to get comfy, just do what it takes to keep from failing or at least banging my head against the wall in sexual frustration. Little things will have to do in the beginning, especially for me, with my low energy level. Monastery-level is for way later... but just so we're clear, I hope it's a tantric monastery where men and women are spiritual consorts for each other (and there's no sexually perverted guru taking advantage). LOL. Guy can dream, right? (Realistically, I'll probably have to build it myself. Seriously. Don't think that I don't think about these things. My ultimate goal in this life is to play my part in the evolution of western culture by bringing it the spirituality it sorely lacks.)

I love your tantric vision

I have a similar one, actually.

Please take my rantings with the appropriate grain of salt. Wink I just know the world is gonna be a whole lot better place when all the shiny men get off the sidelines and back onto the game.

Of course you must go at your own pace. Healing happens on a lot of levels, in its own way, and usually not according to our plans.

Grain of Salt

Oh, I take them with more than a grain of salt... I think you throw a fleck of gold in there too! :) Thanks for the encouragement. It helps.

Well, let me know if you get your vision going, and I'll let you know about mine. BTW, land here in Crestone is still cheap... and it is a mecca for forward thinkers... $10k per acre, even less if further out... Or free if given to you by the Manitou Foundation, which gives land to spiritual organizations. Look into it!

Acres

Wow, that's great, but yeah, I know a lot of people who have the land, are even trying to make a community but just can't find anyone other than themselves. How did Oneida do it??? I guess Noyes put together a "movement" first... Ever think about having things like seminars or cuddle parties? I have a friend who does Ipsalu Tantra, and she said each seminar has quite a few people there. They have free teleconferences once in awhile too, which I think helps people overcome their fear of the unknown.

My best friend in England

wants to start a "Dating School." It would be a series of evening events...mostly to socialize, but also to discuss mating neurochemistry so people can steer better for the results they want. That would help people meet interested partners, too. Maybe something could grow out of that kind of concept. I like the "fun" element. Maybe music/singing could be part of it, too.

I love the AA model, with total independence of local meetings. Beyond that, I have no ideas for the moment, but I love kicking them around. Smile

Dating School

That is a very good idea. I'd go. Continuing the "school" theme, there could be a "Conquering Shyness" class, "How to Flirt 101," dance lessons, of course, soul gazing, drum circles, cuddle parties, etc. Focus on just one aspect each time and it will never get old, as well as attract different people each time.

I think that's

exactly the kind of things she plans to include, along with a smattering of mating neurochemistry. Right now she doesn't have a partner, and is very busy, but I sense the time is coming....

No, that doesn't seem

to be the best fit for us. Maybe when you find a sweetie *you* could do it. Wink We like doing a gig that's about 4 hours max, because we think people need to go home and take a longer term approach. But the Richardsons do a week-long workshop, I think, so people actually have time to see their progress, I guess.

Had a new inspiration on this...

no doubt "fertilized" by your enthusiasm, Mr. Yang Energy. Smile I'm going to suggest to her that we come up with a packet of materials: DVDs and suggested exercises/activities/agendas, which people could order from the site and use to create events at the local level. (There would be, say, a series of three "evenings" in each packet.)

That way locals could put their special touches on the evenings, and just use such materials as they deem useful for their guests. The packet would include how to run an exercise on flirting, or whatever, DVDs of powerpoint presentations covering some key ideas about karezza and mating neurochemistry, and suggestions for running the evening.

My thought was that if any volunteer organizer at the local level could find a person (preferably of the opposite sex) to team up with to put the sessions on with, it would be a lot more balanced. They could charge just enough to pay for the space, and get the necessary materials from the Reuniting site cheaply, too. If we could find a way to make these evenings fun, they might be a useful way to help people meet prospective partners. After all, these ideas are not useful if they remain theoretical. Wink

Thoughts anyone?

Inspired

I love that idea! Do you have ideas as to presentation? Would you focus on karezza or "dating school" more? And how to connect the two?

The focus

would have to be on the "dating school" part, with just a short DVD on something related to the ideas here. The site material would not just educate a bit. It always seems to get men and women talking to each other in amazing ways...even if people aren't "sold" on the ideas. (Face it, few of us are sold on them...until we try them. Wink )

Focus

That sounds like it would work, and yeah, I can see how it could spark a lively discussion! However, with karezza being only a small part, the dating school part seems like it should have it's own website and pretty much be a separate thing. Then, karezza could just be one of the many themes explored, not necessarily be an official part of each seminar. Of course, if the organizer(s) are into it, it might be hard to avoid talking about it. :)

I never actually thought

of Dating School as having a website. I just thought of it as a tool for when single people write that they want a way to meet possible partners....a sort of self-help tool. You're way ahead of me. Wink

Dating School

How far along are your friend's plans? Does she have experience or training? As for a website, I can rent or donate space on mine for this kind of thing. People just need to get a domain name, and they're up and running.

Hmmm...

Yes, she ran mixers in Brussels. She would invite an interesting speaker, usually talking about something to do with personal growth, followed by an opportunity to socialize.

She's a executive trainer/coach by training, but also a barrister (Scots equivalent, at least), and has a masters in theology from Cambridge. Once worked for the European Commission.

Should I put you two in touch? Her biggest challenge is getting focused, because she always has too much going on. Some yang energy would help. Wink

Sure

A barrister... isn't that a lawyer? But also a masters in theology??? Sounds like an interesting person. Kinda like me, the computer geek who also sits on mountain tops contemplating his navel, celibate (now), yet who loves women. :)

But sure, I'd love to talk to her and help in what way I can. She sounds like she's already got all the tools in place.

In my experience, if you try

In my experience, if you try to mtb without ejaculation, it's just too tempting to ejaculate and you either do or drive yourself crazy. In the beginning, I'd recommend total abstinence. Later on, you can get into masturbation as a practice to awaken the sexual energy to then redirect it, but in the beginning, that's playing with fire. I still don't do that. I used to, but I decided it was the wrong direction.

mastubation

I was searching for a term to distinguish a self pleasuring practice from orgasm focused masturbation which has the attendant downside detailed on this site....

Jadedragon888

Hmmm

There's one study on prolactin that showed a difference between ejaculatory masturbation and non ejaculatory masturbation to orgasm. http://www.ncbi.nlm.nih.gov/pubmed/11979330?dopt=Abstract

But no one is studying cool masturbation. They really should, though. Smile The practice has been around for a very long time in different cultures. Did you check out the "Solo Practices" in the wiki? http://www.reuniting.info/node/3299

What's your experience with it?

mastubation

Marnia,

thanks for your response....I just found your site yesterday, and am thinking about these issues.....at first I judged my question as an attempt by an addict to justify/continue behavior.....but being single at the moment, I'm wondering if there are self bonding neurochemical advantages to self pleasuring without orgasm..........I will experiment, perhaps recalling/reimagining past experiences of bonding interactions.....
thanks for the links I will check them out.......I also want to thank you for your work and the difference it will make in my life....I'm sure it has had a huge impact on many who have allowed themselves to try it.....I have a friend who has taught White Tantra for years and knows first hand the benefits......your approach besides being scientific has a broader appeal.... eg. to those that would never allow themselves any experience connected with tantra.....your approach could even be "packaged" for conservative Christians who do not believe in evolution! With gratitude,

Jadedragon888

Looking forward to your insights

Yes, I think what we've been learning points to something inherent in human wiring, and also to hidden potential in humans. It's kind of cool, actually.

Just to clarify one point, the issue isn't really "orgasm or not." It's "extremeness of stimulation." So if, for example, you use extreme porn to masturbate, but not to orgasm, it's more likely to produce neurochemical ripples than "cool masturbation" as a devotional or meditational practice.

So let us know what your experiments yield.

Are we using "cool" and

Are we using "cool" and "healthy" interchangeably?

I'm beginning to think healthy should be redefined not by the extremeness of the stimulation, but by the extremeness of the body's response to the stimulation. In this way the stimulant is evaluated in real time by the individual and not rationally prejudged before hand. It gets us back in touch with ourselves. We can monitor for those "it's too much" signals and that makes altering our path natural. I'm still working on figuring this out by exploring as I wander down the this road.

How does orgasm without porn fit in? I've not tried this yet. I don't really feel the need to masturbate at present (maybe I just don't want to go down that road yet), but I do stumble into porn now and then because it is just everywhere. Then I have to be very careful. I notice all sorts of alarming things in my body, mind, and the porn itself when I do so I roll with it as a learning tool. Porn's "drug" qualities are scary. I sympathize more with drug addicts.

Conservation of Seminal Energy

on the solo practices link, this exercise really works to put the fire out for me. Man I hate that feeling when the gut war starts and it wears me down. I always lose because it's like torture but this does work if I do it.

I'm using "cool"

very specifically to refer to practices in which one creates (or just manifests Smile ) sexual arousal, and then, perhaps, circulates it as an energy practice...or not.

"Healthy" masturbation is any kind of masturbation one decides is healthy for oneself. Smile As you say, the less it causes neurochemical dysregulation, the better. But each person will have to work that one out by observing himself...in due course.

It's normal to be very sensitive to cues for a while...and probably you'll always like pictures of naked goddesses. Wink

Amen

[quote=Marnia]It's normal to be very sensitive to cues for a while...and probably you'll always like pictures of naked goddesses. ;-)[/quote]

Amen Wink I find it interesting and instructive to see the ways in which the images have been designed for maximum effect compared to anything natural including less staged images. I can now see and feel the difference. The odd thing is that even with this difference in mind, there is almost no control. I can control my physical actions, but the arousal response is like a runaway train even though aspects of it are physically unpleasant due to it being too much. Control would be like asking a person to mentally control a drug high. I'm not sure it is possible.

Cool is manifestation without touch or porn? I don't quite understatement the channeling. I've tried, but it doesn't seem to do much.

I, too, doubt you can

control the response by force of will. The brain-balance approach works indirectly. I think that's the only way you can make a fundamental, lasting shift. It just takes time.

I consider myself no expert on the solo practices, although I used the concept frequently myself when I was single. But the energy movement is so subtle that you might not feel it right away, especially while your brain is recalibrating.

Just for fun, I tried it just now. When I tighten the perineum muscles and imagine moving the energy upward, I can feel tingles up to my head and goosebumps down my arms. But, so what? Wink When I was single, the practice did seem to give me something to do with my overwhelming libido, but, again, the effects were subtle, not dramatic.

Cool Masterbation

I think the perfect person to know what it involves is a man who's done hot masturbation, hot sex, and then cool sex (Karezza), and then as a meditation, or instructive experiment, cool masturbation.

Anyone here have all three of the prerequisites to do the testing to identify a "conceptual" method , or actually done it?

Quizure

HI I'm Paul 23 yo - bisexual

HI I'm Paul 23 yo - bisexual - Just joined this forum - this thread interests me.. Maybe what I say below is what U mean by cool m/b??

First a bit of my history...
I sort of discovered edging @ about 16 yo - by accident really - Prior to that JO sessions with buddies were about who could cum first. My first sex experience with GF I came too soon, so learning how to control became a priority. Nowadays I edge most days for between 20 mins - 1hr. Also I let semen build up & only cum every 3-4 weeks - my longest was 9 weeks

After the first week its an amazing feeling being so sexually charged up all the time. Takes a lot of willpower to concentrate on other things. But I'm quite into self denial & tests of willpower anyway & I'm convinced its worth the short term pain for a long term pleasure (I'm a bit into pain anyway - LOL )

The bit that interested me was the bit about cool masterbation. I agree that at first if found it impossible to m/b without cumming. If I went anyware near the edge I may get away with it once - or maybe twice - in a session, but third time "Woops...!!"

Over time I developed a method which I called "Paul's Yoga & Tantric Meditation"

First I get a kitchen timer & set it for 20 - 30 or 40 mins. It varies depending on how much time I have.

I Get into yoga (lotus position) cross legged but lying on floor/bed (Naked) - I Lie there (penis erect) breathing slowley, meditating - as one would with yoga - but I try to meditate on erect cock. I Don't touch it! Just "Be with the feeling" Allow precum to drip on stomach. **But make no attempt to masterbate**

I lie there, as with meditation, but instead of concentrating on my breathing, I try to think only of the feeling in my genitals.

I Lie there (penis erect) breathing slowley, meditating - as one would with yoga - but try to meditate on erect cock Dont move!! Just "Be with the feeling" Accept the feeling! - stay relaxed & enjoy it --

Allow precum to drip on stomach (I'm luckey to produce a lot of that - LOL). **make no attempt to masterbate** I Dont even touch myself mostly. I Think only of the feeling in my genitals till the beeper goes.

Afterwards I don't masterbate! - or waste the sexual energy! Instead get up, get dreased & get on with my day/evening. This last bit of course needs willpower bigtime! but I still find it easier than holding back when I'm near the edge.

I Repeat this every day, usually in early evening

Any one else have views on this method as distinct from edging??

Paul L

yes, i have also found that i

yes, i have also found that i can go without PMO for 1 month effortlessly when I have a girlfriend. Even if it's just a girlfriend on the phone who calls me everyday, the connection does a lot of good. Few months ago I had a girlfriend, and although long distance,she called me everyday, and I went thru 1 month without PMO so easily. Loneliness doesn't help AT ALL. It sucks.