Sex, Porn, Lust and Addiction

Submitted by Tsering-La on
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Well I know that a lot of my lusting and addiction (based primarily on the female form and the anal sex that i have become quite fixated upon) is shaped primarily by my exposure to pornography and the amount of it.
I have in a way enjoyed this sense of losing myself into the world where I find a sense of relief from the pains and troubles of life and relationship.
I was married in an unhealthy relationship until about a month and a half ago.
I entered it thinking that I would be healed by the woman I thought was spiritually together and seemed very confident. She is 12 years my senior. I was never sexually attracted to her and when I aked her to marry me, my intuition, Spirit, call it what you will was vehemently screaming out NO!
Instead i ploughed ahead supressing this call and married her.
My addictions and the relationship challenged me as time went on. We had a baby and I found her less and less attractive. i could feel her pain and my own.
My sexual energy had no where to go. I didn't know how to work with it. I found myself in a cycle of porn, masterbation, at times paying for sex, regret, depression, self loathing, forgiveness to total self denial of my sexuaity.

No what I find within myself as I walk on the path of healing is;
that I feel my sexuality is not ok.
As I showered this morning, I noticed that as I washed my naked body, there was a rush to finish. I noticed that I was uncomfortable with my body. There was no time constraint, yet I was disconnected from being in my body, afraid to feel my body, mainly because of what pain might follow if I was to gain pleasure out of it and find myself masterbating and be unable to control where that might lead. I allowed myself to enjoy this touch.
The simple act of washing my body. I released my fear and suddenly i was in my body again. I virtually had a rush of energy not much unlike an orgasm from simply washing my body! Now that was incredible! I didn't even have a hard on. And yet I could feel the orgasm that was linked to life itself.

i acknowledge the journey that I am on. I have looked at porn so much more than will ever have been healthy for me or for the people that I Love. Yet I know deep down that I have the power to Transform all of this. And what more with dedicated effort and comittment i will be able to be there for others as you Marnia are.
All I know though is that like two nights ago when I fell prey to my Pornographic addiction, the tendency to choose an action that doesn't serve my higher purpose, where instead I choose by habit with my intense desire to look at and masterbate over images of anal penetration of beautiful naked women. It takes me away from the very things that I wish to create.
It takes Love. Patience and Undying forgiveness. Again and Again. This pain that i know and feel comes from the broken promises of I'll do better with my sexuality. I'll honour my masculinity. I'll honour the beauty of Woman and again, I find myself taking advantage of a woman or masterbating lustfully over a pornographic video and find myself filled with regret or sadness after the event or denial. At times even in the midst of it, I'll find myself thinking wow, that woman in the video is pretty much being violated, I'm not finding this a turn on, watching in disbelief I think how can anyone enjoy that, Its pretty sad really what goes on in the world of internet porn. Which basically is simply the world out there. People taking advantage of each other. And I know that I have indirectly supported it by being a part of it by watching and having paid to be a member of a porn site. Ahh, the guilt.
I know that women deserve better. Men deserve better. What this childlike quality that doesn't care about waiting to earn something by the way of hard work. it just wants the sexual gratification now and not have to work for the intimacy. the orgasm that comes from unfolding to life. no, it wants to avoid the pain and it wants the intensity of the sexual images and the graphic nature of the porn and the fantasy that helps to numb the pain of turning off to life and all its messages to come back home. To come back home to who I truly am. And to do this I have to be with the Pain. Be with all of these feelings. And to ride them like a wave.

Ahhh what a blessing that there is this support. I prayed for so long to find a support group available, for this sexual addiction. I knew it had to be available. Yet this is a new frontier. Barely discovered. With so many affected. I feel mainly Men but Women too. The power of the Sexual Energy is I feel, scary for so many. It is really my feeling that it is the core of life energy.
What creates us. And with my wasting this energy and jerking off at so many images of lustful acts, my semen lost, that energy has been misdirected. Which has sapped my strength.
I can only imagine with this energy harnessed what direction my life can take. For I already bare witness to a strength building within my life. With ,my intetniton building to move in a healthier direction.
And as I clarify and integrate this part of myself, I feel that I can create so much more powerfully.

Thank you Marnia for your heartfelt creation of this website... also I would be interested in what inspired you to create something like this.
Much Love and self Forgiveness
Tsering-La

Welcome

Sorry I forgot to enable you to blog before, but you're all set now!

Thanks for sharing your story. Like you, I really sense a larger purpose in this whole porn mess that humanity is slogging around in for the moment. It's forcing angels like you to learn how a sneaky little primitive part of the brain, when overstimulated, can bleep loud, false signals. And I suspect it is also motivating you to reach higher than you would have if you hadn't dived into porn so deeply.

More important, it may be a way for a lot of beautiful men to rediscover their power. *sigh of relief*

I guess the website began because I was bursting at the seams to share what I was learning. It seemed so *important* and yet it was hard to find this information...except scattered about in very narrow places. The neuroscientists had a piece, the ancient texts had pieces (but each tradition only discussed its own pieces), the anthropologists and biologists had pieces, the psychologists/psychiatrists understood projection, but couldn't see sex open mindedly at all due to their narrow training, etc.

Turns out there are lots of people intrigued by bits from all over, some more interested in science, some more interested in spiritual lore, but still, broadminded enough to find lots of things intriguing.

However, the person you really need to thank - because he set up the forum and saw the importance of this information for anyone struggling with porn addiction - is my former webmaster, Janitor (http://www.reuniting.info/user/1). He's the one with the Vision, and he's the one who volunteered the time necessary to make this website as functional as it is. (BTW, with the help of another webmaster, I'm about to start reorganizing, so the site will hopefully be more user-friendly. It's hard to cater to spiritual types, science types and recovering porn addicts...all at one site, and things have gotten a bit disorganized. Wink However all have contributed vital insights. )

Thank You

Amazing post, Tsering-La, the kind that inspires me because it's about the heart matters than mean more to me than anything else, the deepest levels of life.

Marnia, I'm still available to help... tired, but available. Just small stuff for now, but hopefully that will change. I think maybe my body is adjusting so that's why there's extra fatigue?

Thanks for the offer

The challenge right now is to come up with a better organization for the site. If you have any thoughts on that, it would be very helpful. It's a challenging site to organize, because some people find the science boring, while science types find the spiritual stuff an embarrassment, and the porn recovery guys need to find what they need without the site shifting from it's main focus of "healing with sexual relationships."

Any inspirations? If so, I'll connect you with the current webmaster.

Hmmm...

Use your intuition. Everyone's ideas are welcome, but this topic is probably boring to most. I suppose it's best just to PM me so we do this back channel, unless you have a different thought.

This discussion definitely seems out of place under "Anal Sex." Maybe Tsering-La could start a new thread with a title that makes me a bit less squirmy.;-)

turning the other way

Great post, Tsering. I can relate with so much of what you said that it might just encourage me to have another go at defeating the demon-like addiction. As you imply in your post, it takes time and persistent effort, again and again. But most of all, it is indeed about the heart, and about connection.

just a few days ago i 'came' to images that would normally horrify me, and as soon as i had done so i felt emotionally soo bad. "what am i doing? you have got to end this' etc. however i have been through this before...

I feel that the underlying problem is really with how i relate with women. My chronic low self-esteem and shyness when it comes to approaching them in a sexual way, what to speak of 'closing the deal' though i despise that turn of phrase, is the real problem. An example of how magical is the transformation when i (temporarily) have a glimpse of what life could be is this: I met a woman in my favourite bookstore, into similar stuff to me, friendly etc. Though I have not yet rung her (i did get her card), on the day itself and the few days after, when the impression of contacting such a woman was strong, I did not desire porn. What was the point? Because i had felt something, something of the magic of real attraction. It did not last (yeah i know i should give her a call and i would if i could overcome the inertia of depression) but i got evidence that the addiction could vanish like a ghost in the wind if i were to get a real relationship.

Hang in there mate. its hard yakka (an australian colloquialism meaning, 'very hard work'). I personally celebrate each day that i can keep off the stuff as precious in my life, and a victory for my soul. But even if you do indulge, dont beat yourself up, or think for a moment that Spirit can not still uplift and bless you in an instant. It is, after all, not just up to us.

Asher/karuna.

Yeah. Like Nike says...

Just Do It.

A few weeks ago I replied to a post by Galileo, saying that I was an expert at letting opportunities slip through my fingers because of hesitance to speak up at the right time. Just writing about that helped put attention on that problem and made me more aware of the opportunities I've missed. Since then, there have been at least four occasions where I felt hesitation about saying something, but, in an instant, thought "to heck with that, just say it!" and I did. Haven't regretted any of those instances where I spoke up. One of them has already led to some more interesting, fun work, at least for a few days.

So Just Do It, man! Right this minute! Smile