A little background. Before doing this, my main interest was experimenting with health and diet. Somewhere along the line, whether it was from clean-eating, fasting, or a sensory-involved meditation I did an hour a day for five years, I eventually became hyper-attuned to my body. For example, I eventually created a diet based on how my body reacted to food. Good or bad, after I eat something, I'll get a tingle, ache, waves of energy, good or bad sensations in specific parts of my brain. Working at a diner, I'd become sick from the fumes from a blocked boiler before anyone could smell it. I can even tell if there's food rotting somewhere in a room based on a specific headache I get.
All this is why I've been so enthusiastic about the abstinence. I could sense exactly what was happening, and the results were/are amazing and enthralling, the most immediate and substantial results I'd ever experienced. Now, unfortunately, I'm also hyper-attuned to any bad that might happen to the body. I'd been laying off posting this; I don't like being negative, and I already know and am doing what I have to do. But, it hasn't been going away, I have to report that the loneliness is physically brutal.
I'm assuming it's a lack of oxytocin, because it goes away when I'm nuzzling on my mother watching a movie or something similar. Unfortunately, when I'm not, my body gets to where it's physically in pain, especially at night. My eyes hurt, my head hurts. Incidentally, I feel sensations in the same places I felt from those pleasurable "body orgasms" that I mentioned in an early post. (Side-theory: were those oxytocin "orgasms" then?). But, anyway, with the loneliness, it's a light ache instead of light pleasure, it's almost like inflammation. Even though there's nothing on my mind, nothing psychologically troubling me, my body feels the need to cry almost once a day, to the point of sobbing. (Another "incidentally": the tears don't taste salty, which I found weird).
I made the mistake of thinking Marnia was only being friendly and encouraging when she recommended finding a sweetie. In retrospect, I should have taken it as a warning; this has been much worse for me than the dopamine withdrawals. If I'm the canary in the coalmine here, I can't stress this enough: solitary just isn't an option.
(On the plus side, the ache of loneliness has made the awkwardness of rejection completely insignificant.)
So, Marnia/Gary, I'm geeky enough to respond by reaching for a book about oxytocin and neurochemical loneliness for some pointers. But, while that's in the mail and while I'm busy calling women I haven't seen in years, any practical advice? Is there an exhaustive list about everything that boosts oxytocin? I literally have had to take time out of studying to close my eyes, kiss my wrist and pretend it's someone else, just so my head stops hurting. That can't be the best solution, can it?