This post is about dating, specifically dating for those of us who have never been very good at dating, and those of us who may be a little rusty.
I'll just start by saying that I've been single for about 3 years, as of next month. I dated one person last summer for about three weeks, and it didn't go very well. It was my very first experience sharing the ideas on this website with someone (after having struggled with them in my last relationship for about 2 years), and I severely lacked confidence in myself. Also, the guy wasn't really the sweetheart I thought he was gonna be. I don't think he'd ever dated a female over the age of 21, so he had a problem with women who had opinions and ideas of their own, or even worse, goals and aspirations that did not include him!
Yeah, so that didn't work out. Mostly in the last 3 years, I've managed to reserve my romantic feelings for men who were completely out of my reach. Mostly men I met online, although not on dating sites or anything. Just men I shared common interests with, and from there it would escalate into me making our relationship into something completely unrealistic. This is embarrassing for me to admit, actually. A few of these men, or at least one in particular, could have been a very cool friend to have in my collection of very cool friends, but I think I destroyed all that potential by reading into innocent flirtations too much. The internet can be very seductive, as many of us here have learned.
I think these "relationships" were my way of dealing with the very natural feelings of desiring companionship and love, but without having to actually take all the risks that are involved with real-life dating. The ultimate rejections still hurt, but it's different. You don't have to hear the words or see the look on the face. You just simply stop receiving emails from him or her. That's it, it's done. Anyway, the problem was the worst about a year and a half to two years ago. I officially ended that chapter of my life on New Year's. My only resolution this year was to stop humiliating myself by seeking attention from these men who really don't want any kind of a serious relationship with me. The one I mentioned above, he was the last one. Liberating myself from that bad habit was a very good move on my part.
So, now my focus has shifted more toward real-life, tangible men that I can see and talk to. This is a big step, I think. I meet a lot of people all the time at school, and until recently, I've been kinda sizing up the "possibilities," the available men around me. This happens almost unconsciously, I narrow down the list, and then a couple weeks ago, my list narrowed all the way down to one. I've kinda become fixated on one person, one very cute male person who sits behind me in one of my classes. I don't know how this happened, this fixation. I don't even know if it's a good thing or a bad thing. Infatuation for me has always been kinda torturous, it makes me feel ill. My mom says that I get "lovesick" very easily, which sounds about right. I think I automatically assume that everything is going to go wrong, and I become more aware of all my faults, all the reasons why another would find me unacceptable. It eats away at me. It's amazing that I've ever been able to get past this and have a relationship at all, but luckily, I suppose I do also have some charming qualities.
Anyways, the other thing about this guy is that I don't really know too much about him. I'm not 100 percent sure that he is single, even, but I think he is. He is kinda quiet, but when he does talk, very insightful. And when he does talk to me, which only started happening a couple weeks ago, initiating all this, he is very kind. He is also a history major, and those are my favorite.
This whole week, I've been feeling really outta sorts with all these overwhelming feelings and consuming thoughts. I last saw him on Wednesday, and I barely managed to keep my cool. I mentioned to him that we were going to be having a study group today, Friday, to prepare for the midterm. Today, my day went like this: feeling quite anxious most of the morning, talking myself out of thinking about all the reasons this too should fail, getting to campus and realizing that he wasn't even going to show up, had a fun and productive study group with those who did show up, but then afterward, I could not help but feel like I'd just been totally rejected. I think this is irrational, though, right? I mean, just because he didn't come to the study group isn't really a reflection of me, or what he thinks about me. That would be crazy, right?
I did feel really bad about this for a moment, I did cry a little, then I felt better. A bit more realistic, and maybe a bit less needy. The weird thing about this is that I'm not all that needy to begin with, but only in situations like this do I feel desperate for the approval of others. This is a far cry from where I used to be, so I guess I can't complain too much.
I'm not exactly sure what I'm feeling now. I still feel attracted to him, I'm still looking forward to seeing him on Monday, and plotting ways that I can show him special attention without being incredibly obvious, still hoping that he also has a special interest in me. What else can I do? Anything? Any ideas or suggestions? I need all the help I can get.
That's all for now,
PS: AFGO stands for "Another F*cking Growth Opportunity," for those who've only recently joined the group. Quite fitting, yes?