Frequency Change

Submitted by neil on
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Talked to my wife last night. Since I crave more affection, and she has an on / off switch for that sort of thing. (Mine is always on), I asked if we could change our routine. I reminded her about giving daily affection outside of the bedroom and that we should engage in bonding every day, whether we have intercourse or not. We are also going to increase the frequency of intercourse from once per week, to every three days.

She was quite agreeable to all this. She realizes our needs are different in this area. We are working to keep her switch more consistently on, if that makes sense.

For me, although once per week was nice, the lull between was just too long. I really think we need to work on consistency in order to completely change our lifestyle.


We find that

the bonding behaviors just about daily are the best oil for meshing the gears. Wink We both like the skin-to-skin contact, and it seems to get more delicious and satisfying over time. Intercourse is yummy, too, of course.

Bonding Question

Do you find bonding / skin to skin contact in between intercourse nights to be just as satisfying as intercourse? Does your husband? If these are too personal, forgive me... However, if the answer is yes to both, did it evolve from intercourse being the most satisfying to simply skin to skin bonding? Right now, for me, I find quiet intercourse to be absolutely wonderful! We have gone with out intercourse occasionally, but for me at least, I still prefer the intercourse. I am thinking perhaps this is something that we can / will grow into.

I am in no rush! The journey is wonderful!

Both have their place

I've just been surprised how important that daily intimate contact is, even when intercourse isn't an option. We found, early on, that using intercourse as our daily bonding behavior was too much of a good thing. Gary felt so goal-driven that he actually realized he was *less* satisfied rather than more satisfied. We were pleased to discover that really relaxed skin-to-skin contact didn't create the same build-up of sexual hunger, but was surprisingly satisfying. Almost daily is key.

That said, did you see this testimonial that someone just sent me yesterday? It suggests another way to skin the cat...using really *still* intercourse (in scissors position) twice a day when possible. Right now we're experimenting with this option and if something interesting arises I'll let you know. Wink

I had not seen that testimonial yet


Thanks! I had read somewhere else about people having "still" intercourse daily quite successfully. It seems to me they have settled on that being their main bonding behavior. For me, intercourse is the most intimate act I can perform with my wife. Perhaps it is for the couple that sent the testimonial as well. Purely for practical reasons, I can see that if we were to adopt this practice, lubrication for immediate connection and only the most brief (if any) foreplay would be the norm. We would have to have major adjustment to our routines to connect morning and night. Neither of us are morning persons per se. We have settled on the scissors position already. Quite comfortable!

What do you mean when you say Gary was goal driven? That his primary desire was for intercourse to the point that it interfered with his intimate feelings and the projection of those feelings onto you? I feel that way still. Also, my sexual hunger is still quite strong. Always has been. I welcome the calming of that particular part of me.

On our non intercourse nights, I will strive for relaxed skin-to-skin contact and see how that works out.

It has been awhile

so the details are blurred, but he described the problem as feeling like he was revving up his engines all the time, but never getting in gear. Said he felt like he was "overheating." His nervous system had a goal...flirting with the edge of orgasm, perhaps. But a steady diet of that just increased his horniness.

That's when we realized that we needed at least one night of "non-goal-oriented" snuggling in between intercourse nights. Somehow that relaxed contact, which tended to be purely generous on both our parts, was enough to reset our nervous systems. That made intercourse nights less driven, too. So the situation didn't escalate in terms of frustration. Now he just notices increased horniness during the two weeks after an inadvertent orgasm. The rest of the time he's fine with some mix of daily skin-to-skin and intercourse. We don't have a set schedule anymore, although it was very helpful to schedule at first.

As I said, it may be that regular intercourse, without the driven movement, would be fine daily. I think that other couple used jojoba oil to help with lubrication when necessary. It's great having other couples to compare notes with.

"still" intercourse

I don't want to give the impression that our intercourse is mostly "still". There may be a lot of calm, sharing, moving intercourse. I become more still if I need to lower the temp a little or I may be if I just want to, or if I even fall asleep. Over the years, I have come to clearly recognize the value of the continuously charged state. This makes it easy to choose not to go over the edge. A new comparison just came into my mind. If you have ever seen dervishes spinning, maybe with some droning, hypnotic music in the background.... Imagine that moving while they are experiencing an ecstatic stillness inside. It can be like that. Do know that it has been years to reach this state and I don't presume it is the answer for everyone.

Stealth Karezza

I *thought* I was in the same situation as you, Neil. I thought I had a greater need for affection/intimacy than my wife. It turns out that she was just stronger than I was (i.e. able to tolerate the lack of intimacy without showing symptoms or breaking -- I broke). I've forgotten where it is in this site, but someone recommends always touching when the two of you are talking, even if you are arguing. I tried it. I didn't talk about Karezza. I didn't say I wanted more intimacy. I didn't want to put any more pressure on our relationship. I just did it.

When we were talking about grocery lists and who would clean the bathroom, I just reached across the table and took her hand. I got a surprised look, but she didn't pull away. Then, when I was working in the back garden, she came out with a couple of diet cokes. Instead of just staying where I was, I came over and sat on the stair with her, our thighs touching. As we were talking, she leaned against me. She changed the subject and started talking about how we had grown apart. Then she said we seemed to be coming back together. She started to ask me what had changed, but thought better of it. That was when I realized how much she had been holding back. Skin to skin touch with no agenda is powerful, maybe all the more so if it is spontaneous.

I don't mean to imply that a few touches can change a relationship. In my case, I have been working on changing for several years now. I think that it was a sign to my wife that something really had changed, that I wasn't just reaching out for sex, that I was looking for the same kind of intimacy she was. I think it was something she had almost given up hoping for.

Anyway, cuddling works, whether you give it a fancy name or not.


to have a secret weapon that can only benefit you both, eh? *big grin*

I don't know if it's a strength to be good at tolerating lack of contact. Frankly, I love yang eagerness. If I'm right (and lots of observers from the past are right) that there's a synergy to be had from the loving contact between male and female (without producing subsequent sensations that erode intimacy over time), then your enthusiasm for closeness is a vital ingredient. Bravo!