Avoiding errection during nurturing, non-sexual touch

Submitted by newday on
Printer-friendly version

Hello, to introduce myself, I stumbled across this website on May 10 (2009). I have probably visited it every day since, and I can honesty say it has changed me forever. I had struggled with masturbation and then porn on and off for the past 15 years since my mid teens. I haven't looked at porn since finding this site and have stopped masturbating with the exception of two instances (my longest stint was 34 days orgasm-free). The times I slipped up have made me more aware of the withdrawal effects and strengthened my resolve to avoid masturbation as well as porn. Anyway, I truly see my life being transformed by the truth Marnia has shared with us through her book and this website. It is has been so timely in my life. Finding this site followed years of being single and struggling back and forth with porn, and then just recently a racey month long fertilized-driven frenzy which ended as predicted and left me at my lowest low. Now since May 10 my life is being renewed. I have been reading books about life and love that are ringing so true to me, and I have started reading my Bible again and actually hearing God speaking to me. I believe His hand is on me, and I can see it very clearly now in the events of the past year. I am learning my lessons the hard way, and at least I am finally learning my lessons!

So, my question here is about a new partner. As predicted by Marnia's book, a very special woman has come into my life in the past month. I am sure being off the dopamine roller coaster ride had something to do with this. Although I haven't talked to her about this website, it's already clear we both do not want to start anything sexual at this early stage. But I know nurturing touch and some of the Exchanges will be important glue in our relationship. I am struggling right now with how I can engage in nurturing touch without my animal brain kicking in. I mean, just sitting close to her, maintain eye contact, or holding her hand and I start to have an erection. I find this very embarrassing and awkward to try and cover up. By myself in bed at night I find just my excitement about meeting her is keeping me awake and giving me an erection. This is even though I have not fantasized about her sexually at all. It must be all subconscious; she is a beautiful woman! So can anyone suggest to me how I can rein in my subconscious animal brain at the early stages I am at here? I want to focus on getting to know my new partner and strengthen the relationship with non-sexual cuddling without being distracted by an awkward erection.

Thank you so much to anyone who takes the time to read this. This community is truly a wonderful place!

And chances are...

if she notices, she'll be flattered. Wink We like to know you guys think we're cute!

I think you're on the right track with those bonding behaviors. Although they can be arousing, more contact should help balance you both. Be creative in coming up with ways to engage in affectionate touch. Dance class? Exchanging head, hand, or foot massages. Long hugs.

Remember that honeymoon neurochemistry makes any of us feel like a loose electrical wire that needs to ground so it stops sparking. The "cure" is affectionate contact...without letting biology stampede us into fertilization behavior.

This means there's an uncomfortable, awkward, erection-filled (or female-fever equivalent) period right at the beginning of a new relationship. So, again, be creative about ways you can touch in a nurturing way. Even if you just pray or meditate, holding hands. You need the connection. That will actually soothe the erection some, if you have regular affectionate contact.

Anyway, it's great to have your feedback. I'm glad the information is helpful. You sound like a lovely man.

*big hug*

I agree completely with the fine women above

Don't be embarrassed and try to hide erections from your female friend. Having erections in the presence of attractive females is part of being a man. Smile Just accept it and move on. If you treat it as no big deal and don't suddenly start heavy petting or try to drag her into bed when you have an erection, that will help build trust with her.

And who says the touching has to be completely non-sexual, like a visit to a physical therapist? Extended hugs, cuddling, slow dancing, etc. I think are unavoidably somewhat sexually arousing. However, I've noticed, from hugging or cuddling my wife (in the past), that it is only arousing for the first minute or so (if I don't "do" anything); after that, it's just soothing and relaxing and wonderful. Smile

Thank you...

You're right CuriousFellow.. During our second cuddling session last night the arousing stage was much shorter and soon there was no erection and it was just wonderful to be so close with her and share in open conversation. Thanks Marnia for your other suggestions for non-racy touch. Dance class is a great suggestion, and fits perfectly with her interests, though no such classes around these rural parts right now. Have to wait until she's back in the city in the fall. I'm sure I'll have more to tell and ask you all later. You're support and encouragement is greatly appreciated!