My Story-would love some feedback

Submitted by SportsGuy2259 on
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New to the forum, so i'd just like to extend a hello to everyone here.

Ok well heres my story, I apologize in advance for the long post. I’m a 28 year old man, I had one sexual partner in my lifetime, which was years ago. Since then I have masturbated a lot, and most of the time with porn. As a matter of fact I had a huge library of it that I deleted. Fast forward until recently, Im back in the dating scene and I’ve had the opportunity to have sexual relations with 2 partners. Both times to my dismay I failed to get an adequate erection. Now admittedly I was nervous during both encounters, that’s just the way I am. However I do remember being able to calm down somewhat and change focus during both encounters, still though I had no sexual response. Since then i have been reluctant to get into any type of relationship.

A couple weeks ago I read up on the influence of porn, masturbation and sex drive and found the correlation between them. I found that a lot of others had a problem with this as well. I noticed some of the basic porn that I used to get off to didn’t do it for me anymore, I also noticed when I tried to masturbate with this porn my erections definitely weren’t as full, and it took me longer to achieve one. So After reading up I decided to do abstain from masturbation for a little bit.

I went two weeks without doing it. I really noticed the positive effects. I felt better overall as a whole. I didn’t look at any porn at all. I had a slip up just recently after the two weeks and did masturbate however. What I did was I wanted to try something, I wanted to see if some of the old nude pictures that didn’t turn me on anymore now did. I was pleasantly supsrised to find just by looking at some nude photos i was way more aroused. So In a way I think it had a positive effect as I noticed just the naked picture of a women, and not some hardcore video once again turned me on.

That however was a one time occurrence, for me I don’t intend to continue to masturbate or look at any type of porn as I know I can fall back in the same habits. For me stopping really isn’t that difficult, cause I know it will help lead me toward more positive and healthy relationships. To me that reward is much better than a couple minutes of self induced pleasure.

However there is one thing that is bothering me tremendously. Next time I’m with a women i don’t know whats going to happen, and that uncertainty is really killing me. I keep going back to those two times I failed, asking myself if it was performance anxiety, porn and masturbation desensitizing me to real sex, or a little bit of both. I also keep asking myself, did the lack of sex drive cause the anxiety, or was it their in the first place. Regardless though, now its there and previously wasn't. I think about it a lot, and I know as soon as I’m with a women I may think about it again as well subconsciously and that in turn might cause me to well, “not perform”

Again right now after just two weeks it seems my sex drive feels reset. Normal girls are much more attractive to me. I feel really good about that and I’m hoping next time I’m in a sexual situation it helps me become way more aroused. However like I mentioned above I’m still a little fearful to get out their and find another women as I just don’t know what going to happen. I’m trying to think a little more positive while also abstaining from porn and masturbation. That is my story, and I guess my main question is, are there any people out their who have had similar problems such as mine, especially with the whole performance anxiety thing? I have seen a couple positive stories out there and would love to hear if there are any others. Thank you in advance to anyone who reads and responds, its been a weird couple of months with all these thoughts in my head, it was good to finally get them off my chest.

Hi SportsGuy

First of all, I enabled you to blog if you want to.

About your "performance anxiety," let me just give you my female perspective. You're thinking of this as though your mission with women is to "perform" promptly, and if you don't, you failed. If the women you are with have any kindness in their hearts, they don't think that way, and neither should you. There are lots of ways to enjoy each other, only a few of which actually require an erection. Next time you're in that position, try giving the woman a really nice massage, kissing her everywhere, telling her how beautiful she is, etc. but don't try to get her worked up. If she gets worked up anyway, tell her to relax. Dude, if she doesn't appreciate that, she's just using you for your penis anyway, which isn't very sexy.

That's my two cents!

First,

thanks for sharing your story. What a great experiment! Isn't it nice to know more about how your sexuality works? And how excess stimulation can start to distort tastes and affect sexual performance? And how moving toward balance can turn things around? (Are you reading this, "lost??" Wink )

Anyway, I just want to say that you are in withdrawal, and will be for a while. So angst about *something* is normal. If you weren't freaking about an imaginary future situation in the sack, you'd be freaking about something else. I mention this not to make light of your anxiety, which I'm sure is intense, but merely to let you know that the more balanced you get, the less exaggerated your anxiety will be. What seems like a HUGE problem now will seem only a little bit anxiety-producing. In other words, patience and selfcontrol will gradually make you a more relaxed lover.

I don't know if you've had a chance to nose around on the site, but there is a neurochemical that soothes the nervous systems of both men and women. It's called "oxytocin" and it also does a lot of other things. For example, it enhances sexual responsiveness (erections, lubrication) in *both* sexes. It's produced with a partner when you engage in generous touch (not so much hot foreplay), kissing, cuddling, stroking of breasts, etc.

So Amari's advice is good. Instead of keeping your attention on yourself and your performance and your orgasm, put your attention on your partner and her level of comfort, and her response. Touch her all over, rather than just pushing the buttons you see in porn videos. See how you feel.

And don't be afraid to tell her, "I want to take this slowly, so we may not have intercourse until a future occasion." The more affectionate contact you engage in, the more balanced and calm you'll be when you *do* have intercourse. Remember, you have received a lot of your training about sex from porn movies. They give a very false picture...because their focus is facilitating orgasm as quickly as possible for guys who are in a hurry.

Here's an article that gives a very different picture of sex: http://www.reuniting.info/recipe_for_great_sex_orgasm_optional

And here's and article on oxytocin: http://www.reuniting.info/science/oxytocin_health_bonding

And here's an article on a whole different way to make love that emphasizes relaxation instead of performance: http://www.reuniting.info/wisdom/neotaoism_and_karezza

Sex is a fun subject, but there's lots to learn before you see all your options.

Thanks.....

For your responses, you both make very valid points. Thinking back a couple months, even a year or two, their are things that i was really anxious about that i kind of laugh at now. So that gives me hope for this situation. I know i can eventually get over the problem, and i may laugh at it a couple months from now. Its just the waiting is killing me a bit lol.

However i am happy i have taken these positive steps to get my life back. I feel like i'm striving for a goal, and even if i do find a women and start to have relations with her again i will never indulge back into porn and masturbation like i once did. It was a huge obsession, it controlled my life, but not anymore.

The thing i'm actually most afraid of is this, that i have kind of conditioned myself to subconsciously get nervous when in the presence of a women, instead of letting my true feelings take over. In my head part of me keeps saying that when the time comes, i'm going to succeed, and have taken all the necessary steps to get my life back, however the other part of me thinks i'm going to fail. Again theirs that uncertainty their. My question is, am i over thinking, an should i make a conscious effort to not think so much and just go with the flow of things? I feel the more i think about the problem the more it weighs on me, and if i stop thinking about the potential problem, some of the fear and anxiety will go away. Is that a good approach? I just want to get back to the way i felt about women before porn, masturbation and anxiety, where there are no negative thoughts involved. i know it will take time, but i believe i can get their.

Anyway again, thank you for your responses, i'll keep you all updated as you go. Im actually feeling a little bit better since i posted this in the forum last night and from reading everyones comments. It has helped alot.

It's OK to be nervous

I think it's totally normal to be nervous around a woman unless you've already had time to build up trust. It's actually rather cute to be a little nervous. Maybe you were also a bit nervous about these things before you started using porn, but because you didn't have images in your head of how you were supposed to perform, you could just enjoy your butterflies without being too anxious. In any case, being nervous about being nervous just makes your nervousness worse, right?

As usual, I agree

with Amari and Marnia. Just wanted to highlight a few points:

- Simply admitting to the woman at the appropriate time that you are feeling kind of nervous and may not be able to "perform" in the usual way may go a long way toward easing the tension, helping you to relax, and adjusting her expectations. I like Marnia's suggested wording, and agree with Amari that if the woman loses interest in you because you can't get it up right away, then she isn't worth knowing.

- Consider changing your objective away from having sex, to just cuddling, sleeping together, etc. and just enjoying each other's company. Before my wife and I got married, we would often got into bed naked, kiss, lie on top of each other, explore each other's bodies, and so on, but we didn't have intercourse until after we were married. We had a wonderful time before we were married. I don't regret not having sex earlier one bit. It still brings a smile to my face when I think about those times.

- I would think that a woman - one worth knowing, anyway - would be flattered that you would want to just "be" with her, and not just want to use her to get yourself off with. (I'm reminded of the M*A*S*H episode where Hoolihan got the hots for a visitor to the camp who, unknown to her, had erectile dysfunction due to an injury. The guy asks for Hawkeye's help to distract Hoolihan and keep her from dragging the guy into bed with her, because he didn't want to disappoint her with his inability to "perform". Eventually Hoolihan manages to get rid of Hawkeye and puts the moves on the visitor. He confesses his disability, Hoolihan says, "Oh, that doesn't matter, would you still like to sleep with me?" The guy says "Of course, I'd love to!" And they walk off, hand in hand. I thought it was very heartwarming, and a model of how women should react in that kind of situation.)

- Also, do check out those articles Marnia mentioned. Orgasm is way overrated. When you think back to your previous sexual experiences, do you think, "Oh, that was such a wonderful orgasm I had with that woman"? Or do you remember the feeling of cuddling and being inside her more than you remember the orgasm?

Good luck, man. I think things will work out fine for you. Wink

For what it's worth

I've never had anything buy adoration for a guy who told me he was nervous. And I think that expressing it out loud helps to alleviate some of the pressure. For instance, when I have to speak in front of a group, I'll often start by talking about how nervous I am. Ironically, it makes me less nervous.

Also, I'll just add that I once dated a guy who had a similar problem to the one you're having. I was 19 years old, he was 26, I think. Our relationship lasted about a year, but the ending had nothing to do with sex - or the lack thereof. In fact, it was the only relationship I've had where sex did not become an major issue. It was the only relationship that I look back on now and really wish that I had known what I know now about relationships. He was a really good man. He's married now.

The point is that the problem is bigger in your head than it will be to most women. Try not to worry too much. :)

Nervous about being nervous....

Thats probably the perfect way to describe it. Its not that i want to avoid the sexual encounters, i just want to avoid the nervousness that i have somewhat associated with them right now. But i do have hope. I agree with what some of you mentioned, and i think its def ok to be nervous, cause the nervousness will be there early on, but once i get in the mood i believe that it will disappear.

I remember back to those previous sexual encounters i mentioned in my original post. Both times i just wasn't as aroused as i should have been, things were decent but at times the foreplay just wasn't that exciting and it was boring. I remember asking myself "whats going on here, why am i not as excited as i should be". At that time i wasn't nervous, the nervousness came after both attempts.

I know sex is both a mental and physical thing, and that porn and masturbation can have tremendous negative effects on both. I was really interested to read that some believe that overmasturbation, and pressure being put on the penis can lead to it being conditioned to that stimulus, thus not being able to feel as much when it comes to penetration. Same thing i heard can possibly happen to a women as well with a vibrator.

I read online that alot of people have experienced similar things when it comes to addiction. they had prior relationships with no sexual problems, then they broke up, started masturbating with porn for an extended period of time and started experiencing sexual dysfunction. Alot of them say that stopping both helped them get back what they once had though. About a week ago there was something on here in the general remarks post, one guy said he had "sever performance anxiety" when it came to real sex, but that has since gone away since he stopped the porn and masturbation.

Thats what i'm hoping will be the case with me. 2 days ago i went out at night and when i was talking to a women i just felt much more aroused and comfortable then i've been in a while. Just looking at the girl and the anticipation of a possible kiss was getting me way more excited. I don't feel like i'm where i want to be yet, but its definitely headed in a positive direction. So i'm happy about that.

I think it's pretty clear

that you're gonna be just fine. Wink

Remember, it took awhile to condition your brain to the porn-rapid rhythm/intense stimulation of sex. It's gonna take awhile for your inner gauge to recalibrate to normal stimulation.

Just keep being pleased with your progress...and patient.

*a big hug*

A couple other questions....

I mentioned above that just after 2 weeks of no masturbation and porn that little things about a women that had previously not gotten me excited were starting to do so, i also mentioned i experimented with this and had one slip up and did masturbate.

The past couple of days however i have found myself looking at a couple pictures of former pornstars, however i have not masturbated. I feel like i'm improving, i even tried remembering some of the pornstars names i used to know and i couldn't. My goal is to try and get back to getting aroused by even the smallest things about a women. Again i feel i'm on that path but....

My question is, if i start looking at porn again (even just simple pictures), even if it never led to masturbation, can that have a negative effect on my progress? What about having healthy sexual thoughts about women i meet, or a attractive women i might see on tv? I'm afraid if i stop looking at some type of pictures that i'm going to forget what i used to like about women.

Also i find myself comparing myself to friends and family alot, these people have healthy sexual relationships, and occationally do look at porn. I ask myself how are they able to do that and im not? I know they only occationally indulge in the past, if i had looked at porn 20 times a week in the past, they may have only done it 4 times, maybe even less. Is that the answer? Maybe because i indulged more often and they used in moderation that it became a bigger problem for me.

You ask good questions

and maybe some of the other guys will have some thoughts. Here are mine:

First, everyone is different. Not everyone who takes a drink...or even uses heroin...becomes an addict. Your brain chemistry may just be more vulnerable than that of some of your friends.

That said, repeated use of any addictive substance/activity does correlate with higher chance of addiction, although it's hard to say just when the tipping point is, as it's probably different for everyone.

I know you just want to be "normal, " but the chances are that it will take time and pretty strict non-use of porn "cues" to let your brain come back into balance. By then you may not find it all that appealing...unless you get back into it with masturbation to orgasm.

It's unlikely that you will find women less appealing by avoiding porn. That's your "logical addict" at work, if you ask me. Wink Give it a couple of months before you start worrying about that "grave" danger.

Sounds good....

I've been porn free for about 2.5 weeks now. The first week i still masturbated, the 2nd and part of the 3rd week i stopped porn and masturbating, but the last couple days i have looked at the porn again for reasons listed above. I'm not close to where i wanna be as of just yet, but i don't take that as a negative, if i can possibly multiply or add to the positive results i have seen recently (in terms of lifestyle) then it will be worth it to stop all together. Next step is eliminate everything for an extended period of time and see how i feel.

Thanks again Marnia, it is very reassuring to hear responses from a person such as yourself, as well as the others on this board. i really appreciate it.

Great story

I love happy endings. It's amazing how profoundly perception can shift, when you think about it. We think "This is just the way it is." or "This is just how I am."

And then we find out that by modifying our behavior, our entire inner compass shifts in a more balanced, and frankly, healthier direction.

Amazing. I've lived it myself, and yet I still find it amazing. Smile

Comments.....

Jose thanks for the response, and yeah i'm taking this pretty seriously at this point. At first i think i was kinda in denial. I thought to myself, alot of people i know watch porn, so its ok, but then realized they don't watch it anywhere near as much as i had. Somewhere along the line i messed up some of the neurochemistry in my body, both physically and mentally, but now im very happy to know i can possibly get it back. and yes, recently i had stopped all masturbation, and even thinking of porn, anytime i would think of it i'd just think of something else really quick. The only females i looked at were girls i may have noticed while at work, or driving ect, normal girls. During abstinence i have found many positive benefits. Even though lately i have looked at some pictures, they were just basic pictures and i realized that just after two weeks of abstinence they made me much more aroused than before. So the experiment was both good and bad. Like i mentioned above i guess i had this fear that i would forget what i used to like about women, but i now realize i dont think thats gonna be the case. So now my goal is to stop all porn for good, and masturbation for an extended period of time(and even if eventually i start doing it again, moderate it to once a week)

I mentioned earlier that i'm nervous about my next sexual situation. that it was a kind of nervous about being nervous thing. I think digging deeper into that thought, the nervousness is being caused because i'm still not 100% sure i'm going to respond in a sexual situation after my past failures, but as some of you had mentioned in this post, anxiousness is common and if i can continue headed in the right direction i may be able to stop it. I'm usually a very anxious person, but i have noticed already some of that subsiding in other aspects of my life.

Jose i was curious, u mentioned you got anxiety and depression, if you don't mind, could you possibly elaborate? Was it similar to what i mentioned above, where you were kind of nervous for your next sexual situation?

Thanks...

again for the response,

I have noticed recently that i'm getting spontaneous erections just looking at normal girls while doing normal everyday activities. Again my objective really isn't to get an erection, sometimes it just happens. I can say though when i do, all i can say is wow. Excuse my graphic descriptions, but they are much harder and last alot longer. I can't remember the last time i could get an erection like these just looking at women, im also starting to get one pretty easily just using my imagination as well, without any visual stimulus. Everytime i think of any type of porn i just think of something else quick, so it makes things easy, i think in due time i will definitely forget alot of it.

My next sexual situation? Well i still don't know whats going to happen. What i do know now is i will be way more aroused just by the smallest things, so i figure even if i am a little nervous it won't really matter. At least i've put that in my head. Its helped me calm down a bit and not think about it so much, which is great. Also just in general, i'm taking alot of steps to stop everyday anxiety and i can already see a difference. Im still so amazed about the whole masturbation dopamine thing. All these years its played a part in messing with my body chemistry. I can honestly say i haven't felt as good as i do now in a long time. Still there is progress to be made.

I think i might finally get it.....

It took me months, but i think i realize why the performance anxiety was there.

I have come to realize one thing. I don't think i was ever sure just what real sex was? I mean i had had one previous sexual encounter, then years of P and MB. I think years of P use has created an unrealistic expectation. For example my thinking of sex for a while was we just take our clothes off and i should automatically be ready to go.There is no closeness involved at all.

I think this is part of the reason i got nervous during sexual encounters, just going right into sex just doesn't do it for me. You see i'm a big fan off all the kissing, and touching that goes on before sex. It really helps get me in the mood and relax, its sort of like that euphoric feeling you get from being close to someone. But from watching P i was always under the impression that i was supposed to be some sort of sexual dynamo or something. That i should just be ready to have intercourse on the drop of a dime.

Marnia you actually pointed it out earlier in this thread to me, about Oxytocin, about getting close to someone. It just took me a while to realize it. Sex is just part of the equation, but part of what makes it fun and enjoyable is the stuff that preceeds it, and again for some reason i created a perception that i needed to skip that part. Now i kind of realize why people do all the kissing and such, it creates a mood and a feeling like no other. A feeling inside that you can't get from just sitting in front of a computer screen watching P.

I havent had the opportunity to test this theory out. However i really feel its the answer, and after months of thinking it really feels good to have something positive. You see i've been a little hesitant to get close to someone lately and start a relationship, but not anymore. I'll probably still be a little nervous next time, however i know now that i don't have to rush anything. I can take my time and just enjoy being in the company of women i'm with. I've made the effort to quit P and MB (which occational relapse), but have been doing good. Even when i relapsed a couple times i noticed the urges aren't anywhere near as frequent after.

The only thing bothering me was this anxiety i created with unrealistic views. However with everyone's help i feel now i have a much clearer picture moving forward. I'm extremely happy about this. Thank you again. The war isn't over, but i feel like i may have overcome a huge psychological battle.

Its a wild ride

for sure. I can relate to trying to discover what real intimacy is, or painfully, what it is not. Sounds productive though. This stuff is taking me years to sort through. I agree that there is something to the whole intimacy thing without full on sex. I gave a hug to girl tonight and it was satisfying because thats where our level of emotionally intimacy is, anything more would have been out of place and probably hurt us in some way. I can come home tonight with a clear mind and know that I havent overstepped my boundaries or ruined a friendship, and Ive gained nice emotional insight and needed skills in dealing with a person intimately. Im like a freakin boy when it comes to treating a woman with respect. Thank god I finally see this. Maybe I wont be doomed to failed relationships for the rest of my life. Its good to know there's a light at the end of the tunnel.

Believe me, this porn-y culture

is confusing a lot of women, too. Some must doubt that men even *like* all those intimacy builders. It's a real epiphany when they realize how much you guys like intimacy and mutual nurturing.

I remember some years back when I was working this out (finally). I had the sense that what men need from women is for the women to be "a safe harbor." That is, a comfortable, trusted place where their yang energy can be received so sexual frustration is relieved (most don't realize there are TWO ways to achieve this). This is much like what women need...that, and that same sense of safety and reliable companionship.

Of course conventional sex tends to push us away from this sense of safety...by kicking in the Coolidge Effect (growing habituation and a desire for novelty). So it helps to master a gentler approach to lovemaking, too.

But the fundamental need seems to be very similar for both sexes. This is the Big Secret these days.