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Submitted by Aphrodites Chela on
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My life along this path continues to get better. I am calmer and less attached. We're having less sex and the really scary part is that it's kind of OK. I'm doing the bonding stuff as often as I can but still haven't got to the 5 Morita's (http://www.reuniting.info/wisdom/buddhist_morita_marital_therapy). The problem I'm having is with the passivity and uninvolvement of my Isadora while I'm doing the very passive karezza. I'm cuddling and feeling good while she's bored and doing the shopping list in her head. I can bring her to me with hot sex but that is not my desire. I am happy with the notes and hugs and taming games. She likes spontaneity and does not like scheduling exchanges. The adolescent in me wants "the techniques" and "the moves" to make this karezza thing work for us.
Are you doing it? how?


In my experience,

you can't "make" karezza work. It works through you...to the extent that it can overcome our resistence.

It seems to me that it is slowly working its magic...certainly on you...and maybe even on the surly Isadora...however slowly. Remember, much of the proof is in what happens *outside* of the bedroom.


I must preface my comments with the statement -- I am a beginner at this

I have decided to not talk about my concerns with my wife when I thought things were not going as I envisioned them. (I have decided that my expectations are simply not valid, I am working on a blank slate here, afterall.) We talked about Karezza in great detail before we started. She knows as much as I do.

My wife also tended to be passive in bed until I got her worked up also. The part of my brain that is still used to our old lovemaking style sometimes wonders if she is getting into this..... Then, I experience the days after where she is sweeter and happier than usual. I experience her turning off the TV to come jump in bed with me. I experience random acts of kindness.

I am trying to not over think the process. Just let the feelings flow from heart to heart.

How do you know she is bored? Perhaps, being as passive as you are, she is simply enjoying the pleasure, thinking happy thoughts..... Passivity seems like the person is bored. Perhaps she is really not. Like Marnia said, the proof lies outside the bedroom.

Another thought

occurred to me, although it's not fully formed. Something about this practice make me much more YIN in the bedroom than ever I was before. That took some getting used to, but it also feels deeply right. That is, I don't give my husband directions. I just focus on my feelings and on making him feel loved and nurtured. And I feel quite satisfied.

This has been disconcerting to him on occasion, but if I shift into the other mode of "firing up," then I start having orgasm and the harmony outside the bedroom suffers.

The other point is that women realize that they make their partner's job harder if they get all hot. We don't want to push you over the edge - or cause you to have to fight yourself. But don't assume we don't enjoy sex, even if the usual benchmarks of tightening muscles and labored breathing are absent.

Karezza's very different...and it may be that the relationship becomes the vehicle to something larger, and not the sex per se...even though that remains enjoyable.

In other words...you're doing a great job. The report card categories have changes...that's all!